This is a discussion on Jokes You Could Tell In Church within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Happy Easter all Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?' 'Because ...
Happy Easter all
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little
girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride
dressed in white?'
'Because white is the color of happiness, and
today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then
said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was
running as fast as she could, trying not to be late
for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on
a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and
tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself
off, and started running again! As she ran she once
again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But
please don't shove me either!'
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls
it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls
it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect
all the money!'
An elderly woman died last month. Having never
married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her
handwritten instructions for her memorial service,
she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was
alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What
would you do if You had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small
child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy
father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill.'
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings. Little
Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny,
what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side.
I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One
said to the other, 'What do you think about all
this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa
Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the Congress is in session."
S&W M&P 40
Those are good. Happy Easter to all.
A teenager wanted a motorcycle so he went to his father. "Dad, can I please get a dirt bike? all the other kids have them. I won't take it on the streets. Just on the trails and in the feilds."
His father after some thought said "okay, but on three conditions. First, you get straight A's in school. Second, you read the Bible every day, and third, you get a haircut."
The son agreed.
Two months went by. The son came to his father.
son: "Dad...... about that motorcycle. I've been getting A's in school."
father: "Yes son, you've been doing good, real good."
son: "I've been reading the Bible every day."
father "Yes son, you've been doing good, real good."
son: "Well, about that haircut............. I read in the Bible that Jesus had long hair."
father: "Yup........and if you read a little further, you'd have found out that he walked everywhere he went!"
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.
The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."
The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.
The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.
An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.
Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.
Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
Thanks to all for the great jokes! I would add one, but unfortunately the only ones I know aren't intended for our refined group.
Assault is a behavior, not a device.
"Don't never take no shortcuts." Patty Reed, Donner Party
Lifetime NRA member
This is from my time at Catholic School:
So Jesus gets to this place where a whole bunch of people are screaming and throwing stones at Mary Magdalene. He sees the injustice and steps in the middle stopping the crowd with the famous words "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."
From the back of the crowd, a stone flies and hits Jesus square in the face. Jesus stumbles as he ouchs in pain, then starts looking at the crowd trying to find the culprit, finds it and says: "Mom! Stay out of this!"
You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really?! How do you know?" asked the teacher.
"You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven."
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with small ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with high regard.
Thanks," says girl says!
The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little lady," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but...then I wouldn't have a siren!
How about a late St. Patrick's day joke? I'm part Irish so I get to hear some good ones from the Irish side of the family.
What's an Irish 7 course meal?
A 6 pack and a Potato!
A little girl is in Kindergarden class and the teacher is talking about whales. The girl puts up her hand and says "I know about a whale. Jonah was swallowed by one." The teacher says "Now you know that's just a story. It didn't actually happen." The little girl thinks for a moment then says "Well, when I get to heaven, I'll ask him." The teacher, trying to be smart says "What if Jonah didn't go to heaven but to the other place?" The girl looks the teacher dead in the eye and says "Then YOU ask him!"
"Let not your heart be troubled." John 14:1
USN Retired Vietnam/Desert Shield/Desert Storm
A priest was walking down the street when he saw a little boy was sitting on the curb playing with a bottle of turpentine.
As he passed, the boy said, "Turpentine, the most powerful liquid in the world."
Hearing this, the priest stopped to correct him.
"No, my son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world." He said.
"Why's that padre?" the boy asked.
"Well my son," the priest explained, "if you rub a little holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach, she'll pass a healthy baby."
"That's nothing," the boy replied. "If you rub a little of this turpentine on a cat's butt, he'll pass a motorcycle."
A preacher was bicycling along a suburban street when he came upon a boy putting a lawn mower in the yard with a "for sale" sign attached.
The preacher stopped and inquired about the price. The boy responded that he was selling the mower to buy a bicycle, and would the preacher consider a trade.
The preacher consented, and gave the bicycle to the boy, who began to ride away. The preacher began to pull on the lawn mower's cord, but it wouldn't start, so he called the boy back.
"Son, this lawn mower won't start."
"Preacher you just have to cuss it some."
"Son, I've been a good preacher for many years. I don't even remember how to cuss."
"Just keep pulling on that cord, it'll come back to you...."
A preacher was walking between two houses and into the woods. A boy sitting on his porch said, "Hey preacher, where ya going?"
"Into the woods to experience the Lord's natural beauty, son. Come along if you like!"
"OK, but what are we going to do if we get attacked by a bear?"
"Son, we'll have no choice but to drop to our knees in prayer."
So off they went, and sure enough they came upon a bear, which promptly charged.
The Preacher dropped to his knees in prayer, and the boy took off running home, as they were not far into he woods. Just as the boy got to the safety of his back door, he heard the Preacher yelling, "Hold the door son, I'm right behind you and I can feel the bear's breath on my neck!"
So the boy held the door, and as soon as the Preacher ran through the door he slammed the door shut, and the bear bounced harmlessly off the closed door.
"Preacher," the boy said, "I thought you were praying to the Lord!"
"I was, son, and the Lord answered my prayer. He said that prayer was fine for a prayer meeting, but running was better for a bear meeting."
Last edited by paramedic70002; March 24th, 2008 at 05:55 PM. Reason: spelling
"Each worker carried his sword strapped to his side." Nehemiah 4:18
Guns Save Lives. Paramedics Save Lives. But...
Paramedics With Guns Scare People!