Military Humor

This is a discussion on Military Humor within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher -------------------------------------- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. ...

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Thread: Military Humor

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array HowardCohodas's Avatar
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    Military Humor

    "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
    --------------------------------------

    "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine
    Corps
    ------------------------------------------------------

    "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
    guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
    ------------------------------------------------------

    "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
    -----------------------------------------------------

    "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
    encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
    ------------------------------------------------------

    "You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.
    Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
    ------------------------------------------------------

    "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
    - -----------------------------------------------------

    "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
    volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
    ---------------------------------------------------

    "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David
    Hackworth
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
    Infantry Journal
    - --------------------------------------------------------

    "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
    ------------------------------------------------------

    "Any ship can be a minesweeper .. Once." - Anonomous
    ------------------------------------------------------

    "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
    Marine Recruit
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
    Crickmore (test pilot)
    ------------------------------------------------------

    "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." -
    Anonymous
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
    submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
    ------------------------------------------------------

    "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
    power left to get you to the scene of the crash." - Anonymous
    ---------------------------------------------------------

    "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
    - Anonymous
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
    purpose of storing dead batteries." - Anonymous
    --------------------------------------------------------

    "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
    crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
    --------------------------------------------------------

    "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." -
    Anonymous
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign
    over squadron oops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
    ---------------------------------------------------------

    "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." -
    Anonymous
    --------------------------------------------------------

    Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
    near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
    appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It
    is much more difficult to fly there."
    -------------------------------------------------------

    "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
    power to taxi to the terminal." - Anonymous
    ----------------------------------------------------------

    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
    torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck
    arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
    The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" -

    -- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
    Howard
    I carry a gun because I can't carry a cop!!
    Politically Incorrect Self Defense

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  3. #2
    VIP Member Array deadeye72's Avatar
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    Those are good. I have heard some of them before, but still funny.
    Glock 27
    BENELLI NOVA

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    Array RETSUPT99's Avatar
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    Humor mixed with truth...
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

    ***********************************
    Certified Glock Armorer
    NRA Life Member[/B]

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    Senior Member Array Jackle1886's Avatar
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    Those were great! Thanks for sharing.

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    Remember: Take-off is an option, Landing is a necessity.

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    Senior Member Array cwblanco's Avatar
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    "This side toward enemy" - Instructions on front of claymore mines.

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    The easy way is always mined.

    "Front Toward Enemy" - Front of a Claymore

    "Do Not Boil" - Instructions on the plastic boot liners from Vietnam era Jungle Boots

    If your unit takes more than their fair share of objectives, they will be given more than their fair share of objectives to take.

    There are three principles of war; audacity, audacity, audacity. - Patton

    The Rule of LGOPs (Little Groups of Paratroopers): Move to the sound of gunfire and kill anyone not dressed like you.
    A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands - love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper - his hands remember the rifle.

  9. #8
    Senior Member Array Gun Bunny's Avatar
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    "There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Marine Corps way!"

    "A DI will tell you how to do something, watch you while you are doing it, and when you are done doing it, he will tell you that you did it wrong and to do it over again!"
    Kahr CW9
    Sig P239/9mm
    Ruger LC9 (when the girlfriend lets me carry her gun)


    "First Duty is To Remember"

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    I had a pilot tell me: A good landing is any one you can walk away from. A great landing is where they get to use the airplane again.
    George

    Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

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    VIP Member Array ExactlyMyPoint's Avatar
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    Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.

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    You can never have too much ammo, unless you are swimming.

    What is even more sad about the first one is with the AT-4 everything is written out/has pictures, from how to hold the thing, to which end the rocket comes out, to how to charge and fire it.
    Fortes Fortuna Juvat

    Former, USMC 0311, OIF/OEF vet
    NRA Pistol/Rifle/Shotgun/Reloading Instructor, RSO, Ohio CHL Instructor

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    VIP Member Array SammyIamToday's Avatar
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    What's the difference between a Private and a 2nd Lt. ?

    The private knows he's not in charge!
    ...He suggested that "every American citizen" should own a rifle and train with it on firing ranges "at every courthouse." -Chesty Puller

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    Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

    Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

    If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
    A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands - love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper - his hands remember the rifle.

  15. #14
    Senior Member Array cwblanco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OPFOR View Post
    If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
    What I always heard was "If it works, **** with it and it won't work."

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    Quote Originally Posted by OPFOR View Post
    Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

    You forgot Never Run when you can Walk
    “You can sway a thousand men by appealing to their prejudices quicker than you can convince one man by logic.”

    ― Robert A. Heinlein,

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