The Middle Wife

The Middle Wife

This is a discussion on The Middle Wife within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; The Middle Wife By An Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best ...

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Thread: The Middle Wife

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array Pitmaster's Avatar
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    Mar 2007
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    The Middle Wife

    The Middle Wife
    By An
    Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

    I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.

    And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

    She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

    She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

    "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' "Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans, "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

    "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

    "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

    "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
    I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell
    day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

    HELGA: Where are you going?
    HAGAR: To sign a peace treaty with the King of England.
    HELGA: Then why take all those weapons?
    HAGAR: First we gotta negotiate...

  2. #2
    VIP Member Array deadeye72's Avatar
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    Feb 2008
    Central Mississippi
    Thats too funny.
    Glock 27

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array ExactlyMyPoint's Avatar
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    Sep 2006
    Portland, OR
    Always come prepared. THAT would have won the $100,000 America's Funniest Videos.
    Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array Jackle1886's Avatar
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    Mar 2008
    Kendall, MI
    kids can be so cute!!

  5. #5
    Member Array Kompact9's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    That's funny...I don't care who you are. I had to pass that along to some teacher friends of mine...I know they'll get a laugh out of it.
    noli nothis permittere te terere...

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