Daddy's Rules of Dating

This is a discussion on Daddy's Rules of Dating within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; That other thread reminded me of this little joke. Daddy's Rules of Dating Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better ...

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Thread: Daddy's Rules of Dating

  1. #1
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    Daddy's Rules of Dating

    That other thread reminded me of this little joke.


    Daddy's Rules of Dating

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubts that you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

    Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
    Places where there is darkness.
    Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
    Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
    Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
    Hockey games are okay.
    Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

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  3. #2
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    Application to Date My Daughter

    APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


    NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, lineage history and current medical report from a doctor of my choosing.

    NAME: ______________________________________
    DATEOFBIRTH: ________________HEIGHT:_______WEIGHT:______
    IQ: _______ GPA: _______
    SOCIAL SECURITY NO: ______________________
    DL NUMBER: _______________________________
    BOY SCOUT RANK: ________________________
    SUNDAY SCHOOL ATTENDED: _________________
    Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ________ lf**NO" explain on reverse side of this page.
    Number of years parents married_______. Any brothers or sisters? _______
    Are they normal? ________
    Do you own or have access to: a van _______ A truck with oversized tires ________
    A waterbed ________
    Do you have an earring, nose ring or belly ring? _____________ A tattoo? ___________

    (If "YES" to any of these, discontinue application and leave the premises immediately!!)

    In 50 words or less. What does the word LATE mean to you? __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________

    In 50 words or less, what does "Don't touch my daughter, mean to you? __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________

    In 50 words or less, what does the word NO mean to you? __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ____________

    In 50 words or less, give your definition of "REAL PAIN"_____________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______________





    'CHURCH YOU ATTEND: __________________________CIRCLE HOW OFTEN: S, M, T, W, TH, F, S

    When would be the best time to Interview your Father, mother and minister? _________________

    PLEASE FILL IN THE BLANKS:
    A) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my_________________
    B) If I were beaten, the last bone in my body I would want broken would be my_________________________-
    C) A woman's place is in the ____________________________________
    D) The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is __________________
    E) When I meet a girl, the first thing I always notice is her_______________
    F) What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________

    I swear that all the above information is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under the penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or natural disaster.

    SIGNATURE OF APPLICANT____________ DATE__________
    SIGNATURE OF FATHER_______________ DATE__________
    SIGNATURE OF MOTHER_______________ DATE__________
    SIGNATURE OF MINISTER______________ DATE__________

    SIGNATURE OF STATE REPRESENTATIVE




    Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved.

    If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you!
    Heroes are people who do what has to be done, when it has to be done, regardless of the consequences

    "I like when the enemy shoots at me; then I know where the ******** are and can kill them."
    ~George Patton

    DE OPPRESSO LIBER

  4. #3
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    hahahaha - two classics - well worn but wonderful!

    Not sure which makes me laugh most -
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the me.
    Or -
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

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    Ditto Chris...both are excellent!
    "I surrounded 'em"- Alvin York

    "They're ain't many troubles that a man can't fix with seven hundred dollars and a thirty ought six"- Jeff Cooper

  6. #5
    Senior Member Array AirForceShooter's Avatar
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    I only had 2 rules for my daughter, not the guys she dated.
    1. you cant date until you are 30
    2. you can't have sex until I'm, dead.

    She would look at me and just say "poor daddy"

    It never worked.

    AFS
    Gun control is hitting what you aim at

  7. #6
    Senior Member Array A1C Lickey's Avatar
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    AFS, it's funny I've always had the same rules for my sisters. Never worked on them either.

    A1C Lickey

  8. #7
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    Loved them both, nice going guys.
    As you slide down the banister of life,
    May the splinters never point the wrong way.
    ---
    NRA Life Member

  9. #8
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    gotta save these for future reference. i have an 11 year old step daughter. one thing they left out. the $1000.00 security deposit. if the daughter is not home on time and in the same condition as she left(unopened) the deposit is mine. it WILL be paid BEFORE you suffer a fatal accident.

  10. #9
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    What a riot! I've got a cousin who calls his daughter "can't go," says he's trying to get her use to hearing it (she's 6). Of course, it's only funny because I don't have kids. Otherwise....
    Jack

  11. #10
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    Remember, daughters are God's way to punish you for all the the things you did when you were younger
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

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