Great Britain reposessing the USA

This is a discussion on Great Britain reposessing the USA within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I wonder what P95's take is on this..............? A Message from John Cleese (British comedian) To: The citizens of the United States of America: In ...

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Thread: Great Britain reposessing the USA

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    Great Britain reposessing the USA

    I wonder what P95's take is on this..............?


    A Message from John Cleese (British comedian)
    To: The citizens of the United States of America:

    In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for
    President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
    following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up 'revocation' in the OXFORD English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up 'aluminium', and check the pronunciation guide.

    You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
    and 'neighbour. ' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize"
    will be replaced by the suffix "-ise".

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
    acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
    noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
    inefficient form of communication.

    There is no such thing as US English.

    We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

    The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

    Youwill relearn your original national
    anthem, "God Save The Queen".

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult
    enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
    anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

    A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All American cars are hereby banned.

    They are crap and this is for your own good.

    When we show you German
    cars, you will understand what we mean.

    8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
    will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

    At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

    Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    10. You will learn to make real 'chips'. Those things you call
    French 'fries' are not real 'chips', and those things you insist on
    calling 'potato chips' are properly called 'crisps'.

    Real 'chips' are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
    actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

    South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
    pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

    American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
    actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

    13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which
    is not played outside of America or Japan. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn Cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
    Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
    the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups,
    never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

    God save the Queen.

    Only He can.


    John Cleese
    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

    (Sometimes) "a fight avioded is a fight won." ... claude clay

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  3. #2
    Member Array Chris Dawg's Avatar
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    Snopes says this did not come from John Cleese

    snopes.com: John Cleese Letter to USA

  4. #3
    VIP Member Array Cupcake's Avatar
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    That's OK. Still pretty funny.
    Spend few minutes learning about my journey from Zero to Athlete in this mini documentary!
    Then check out my blog! www.BodyByMcDonalds.com

    Cupcake - 100 pound loser, adventurer, Ironman Triathlete.

  5. #4
    Distinguished Member Array 4my sons's Avatar
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    I'll reply in a language they can understand,

    Not Bloody Likely.

    Outside of Benny Hill, and some of Monty Python's stuff, I never got British humor.
    "fundamental principle of American law that a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public services, such as police protection, to any individual citizen." [Warren v. District of Columbia,(D.C. Ct. of Ap., 1981)]
    If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand

  6. #5
    Senior Member Array Musketeer's Avatar
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    Funny, fake (not Cleese) and was circulating as far back as the total monkey hump that was the resolution of the 2000 election if I remember properly.

  7. #6
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    I never got British humor.
    That's British humour!


    When you’re wounded and left on Afghanistan’s plains,
    And the women come out to cut up what remains,
    Just roll to your rifle and blow out your brains,
    And go to your God like a soldier.

    Rudyard Kipling


    Terry

  8. #7
    Distinguished Member Array 4my sons's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Crunch View Post
    That's British humour!
    Yeah, never got that either.
    "fundamental principle of American law that a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public services, such as police protection, to any individual citizen." [Warren v. District of Columbia,(D.C. Ct. of Ap., 1981)]
    If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand

  9. #8
    VIP Member Array obxned's Avatar
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    Great Britain reposessing the USA

    John Cleese is a fairly funny comedian, but the British don't have enough spirit left to even repossess their soggy little island.
    "If we loose Freedom here, there's no place to escape to. This is the Last Place on Earth!" Ronald Reagan

  10. #9
    Member Array RebelKangaroo's Avatar
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    Funny that should mention vocabulary, I'm sure we can't understand half of what they say either. We are separated by a common language.

  11. #10
    VIP Member Array miklcolt45's Avatar
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    I'll respond...when I see the whites of their eyes.
    He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliott

    The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
    Albert Einstein

  12. #11
    Member Array doobie's Avatar
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    9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
    Weeee bit old. We closer to $6 than the UK is with their $9-10/gallon prices.
    Criminals For Gun Control
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  13. #12
    Distinguished Member Array SixBravo's Avatar
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    I LOL'd at the part where the author mentions 'aluminium.' haha I've got a buddy who pronounces it the 'right' way and it drove us all bonkers the first time we heard it. We couldn't figure out what he was talking about.
    The Gunsite Blog
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    "It is enough to note, as we have observed, that the American people have considered the handgun to be the quintessential self-defense weapon." - Justice Scalia, SCOTUS - DC v Heller - 26 JUN 2008

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