Another Golf Joke

Another Golf Joke

This is a discussion on Another Golf Joke within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; A man played 18 holes every Saturday morning at his club, and returned home by 1 PM. One Saturday, he doesn't get home until 5:30, ...

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Thread: Another Golf Joke

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array CT-Mike's Avatar
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    Another Golf Joke

    A man played 18 holes every Saturday morning at his club, and returned home by 1 PM. One Saturday, he doesn't get home until 5:30, his wife is steamed and asks him where he has been.

    He replies, "I finished my round, and was driving home when I saw this woman broken down on the side of the road. She turned out to be an old college girfriend, and I gave her a ride back to her apartment. One thing led to another and we made love all afternoon and into the early evening. It will never happen again, I promise."

    His wife replied, "Don't give me that crap, you played 36 holes didn't you?"
    "The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield, and government to gain ground."

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    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    I shouldn't read these while drinking coffee.........you'd think Iknow better by now.
    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

    (Sometimes) "a fight avioded is a fight won." ... claude clay

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array David in FL's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CT-Mike View Post
    A man played 18 holes every Saturday morning at his club, and returned home by 1 PM. One Saturday, he doesn't get home until 5:30, his wife is steamed and asks him where he has been.

    He replies, "I finished my round, and was driving home when I saw this woman broken down on the side of the road. She turned out to be an old college girfriend, and I gave her a ride back to her apartment. One thing led to another and we made love all afternoon and into the early evening. It will never happen again, I promise."

    His wife replied, "Don't give me that crap, you played 36 holes didn't you?"



    Yet another.......same scenario, man arrives home late to steamed wife, this time the answer is:

    "Honey, we doing fine until the 3d hole, when poor old George dropped over from a heart attack." Wife responds, "oh my God!" Guy says, "yep, we really slowed down after that..... it was hit the ball, drag George.......hit the ball, drag George......"

  4. #4
    Ex Member Array FN1910's Avatar
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    Absolute true story. A friend of mine was playing in the local Member-Guest tourney and was paired with two doctors. Walking up to the fourth tee he said, "Boys I feel so bad I could almost die". He went to tee off and keeled over dead. The two doctors with him tried but could not revive him. His name wasn't George and his partner withdrew from the tourney but the two doctors finished out the 18.

  5. #5
    VIP Member Array ExactlyMyPoint's Avatar
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    Two golfers, Sam and George, are on the 6th hole. The Sam hits his ball into the woods. As he goes into the woods with his 4 iron, he sees a dead man with a 4 iron in his hand.

    "George", he says. "Come quickly"

    George arrives and asks what is wrong. Sam points to the dead man with the 4 iron in his hand.

    "You know what this means, don't you?", George says.

    "Yes" Sam replies. "I won't be able to get out of the woods with a 4 iron."
    Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.

  6. #6
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    I laughed...and I don't even play golf...
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  7. #7
    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    I play golf........these are true...I mean.....funny
    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

    (Sometimes) "a fight avioded is a fight won." ... claude clay

  8. #8
    Member Array Army22rpr's Avatar
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    Keep those jokes a coming
    Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.- George Washington
    Serving Since 1985- "Airborne"

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    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    Robert goes golfing every Saturday. One Saturday, he comes home three hours late. His wife asks him, "What took you so long?"

    The guy says, "That was the worst game of golf I have ever had. We got up to the first tee, and Charlie hit a hole-in-one and immediately dropped dead of a heart attack."

    The guys wife says, "That is terrible!"

    The guy says, "I know. Then, for the rest of the game, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie. . . "
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).
    NRA, SAF, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.

  10. #10
    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    The Laws Of Golf

    LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

    LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

    LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

    LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

    LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

    LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

    LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

    LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

    LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

    LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

    LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

    LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

    LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

    LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

    LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

    LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

    LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

    LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

    LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

    LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).
    NRA, SAF, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.

  11. #11
    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

    Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

    Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

    George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

    The group was silent for a moment.

    Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

    Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

    Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).
    NRA, SAF, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.

  12. #12
    VIP Member Array Eagleks's Avatar
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    ROFLMAO.... that was good.

  13. #13
    Ex Member Array FN1910's Avatar
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    Bill and Bob hit their balls on a Par 3 where they couldn't see the hole from the tee. When they got up there one ball was in the hole and the other was about 6 inches from the hole. They tried to determine who made the hole in one but since both were using the same brand, type, number ball and neither had bothered to mark theirs they couldn't decide. Finally they went back to the club house to get the club pro to help them out. All three went back to the hole along with several of their buddies to find out the decision.



    The pro walked up to the hole, took a look and pulled the ball out of the hole. He turned to the crowd and said "Which one of you was playing with the orange ball"?

  14. #14
    Member Array tamworth's Avatar
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    Jim, just having turned 80, was having trouble with his golf game. His eyesight was getting horrible, so he couldn't ever see where his ball would go when he hit it. He decided to ask his brother, George, to come along to help him, since George's eyes were still in fine working order. So Jim and George went to the first tee. Jim set up and whacked a majestic drive, straight down the fairway. Jim asked George, "so did you see where it went?" George replied "yep, it was a wonderful hit!" Jim asked "Where'd it go then?" George replied, "...I forget."

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