I am coming here to complain, I am depressed…DIT - Page 3

I am coming here to complain, I am depressed…DIT

This is a discussion on I am coming here to complain, I am depressed…DIT within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Originally Posted by nkanofolives My sister gets "rewarded" for doing as my parents beckon. Whereas I tend to get "punished" for cruising off the beaten ...

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Thread: I am coming here to complain, I am depressed…DIT

  1. #31
    VIP Member Array Eagleks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nkanofolives View Post
    My sister gets "rewarded" for doing as my parents beckon. Whereas I tend to get "punished" for cruising off the beaten path (being an individual). I learned very rapidly that my parents money (if I ask for it) comes with strings attached. It is way more of a hassle for me to ask than it is for me to just go out and do.
    That was the reason I would never accept a dime from my father..... there were always strings and "you owe me " mentality. I was my own person.

    As far as telling them, well... I also felt free to voice my opinion about the blood suckers I had as a brother & sister, because no one could hold any of it over my head.

    Just tell them.... be ready for the reaction though.... they know what they are doing.... and probably unhappy you aren't falling in line.

  2. #32
    Member Array Superman's Avatar
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    Jun 2008
    Oklahoma in January...
    Sigh. Ok, here's my long-lived advice from someone that's been in your shoes. My tact isn't all that great so go through this with one thing in mind. "Assume positive intent". Nothing is meant to insult you here, only to help you improve yourself. K? K.


    Call your parents and cry on the phone. Tell them you're broke and you need money and you want to come home. Tell them you're sorry you let the cat out when you were 8 and it ran away. Say you're a good little boy now and you miss your mommy....Ok, scratch that crap. You're a man! (I'll pause while you go check, lol!)

    Discussing it with your parents is retarded.
    Yes, That's right. Retarded. Your parents give things to your sister, an unmarried girl. They don't give things to their son, who is a man, and married, and across the country. Would they have chosen this path for you? Of course not. Does it matter now? Of course not.
    Where's the surprise here? Parents are naturally more protective of their girls. You will be too, just wait and see.
    Maybe it's just the reward and punishment thing? Who knows and who cares? If I gave you money there'd be strings attached too.

    I sympathize with you on the jealousy. Really I do.
    My parents babied my sisters (both older) and left me to my own devices when I married right out of high school. Boy was I was ticked.

    Here I was busting my butt for 350/month with two mouths to feed.
    Meanwhile the girls were making the same money that I was but still getting help with car payments, insurance, and lots of extras (makeup, restaurant money, gas...).

    It took me about 8 years to realize that they were taking care of the girls because they didn't have anyone else to take care of them and I, by my actions, chose to become a man earlier than I should have had I had a brain at 18. Sure, they had a little money - even more than me sometimes, but they're girls. Parents will naturally be more protective unless there's a man there to take over. Even then it's tough to let go.

    Now, I could have pitched a fit to my parents and accused them of favoritism but what would it have changed? They'd say they're not playing favorites, or that they're just helping when it's needed, or maybe they'd even offer me money (ugh!).
    Then once I'm gone again they'd think I was a baby for whining about it and that I was unable to make it on my own.

    They may even consider me to be just a bum with a wife, resigned to a trailer with picture of Elvis over the door, drinking beer and asking them for more money so I can "get tha camaro fixed".

    My point is this - figure out what you want then do what you need to get it. Maybe you want money? Revenge? Love? Figure it out and make a plan.

    Money - Fine, you want their money. Go ask for it and whine. Talk it out. Parents really like when you tell them they're unfair. If they say no then go to plan B. - Be nice and get in the will.

    Revenge - Ok, so you're ticked and maybe want revenge? Be successful enough to never need them. Spend every waking minute thinking about how to improve yourself. Spend time with her fantastic family. Call them and brag about her family.

    Love - They never stopped loving you, goofball. And they don't love your sister more. They may feel they're not close to you anymore since you're the big married guy now. Maybe they're mad because you quit school and "ruined your life". Do you really think they're angry with you just to be mean? They want you to be the best you can be and you seem, to them at least, hell bent on doing the opposite. Give them time to deal with it slowly. Don't bring stuff up that'll start them to feeling disappointed and instead spend good, quality, actionable time with them. Really. Just make some time to go hang out with them. Sounds tough huh? Remember that people don't tend to get crabby when they're enjoying themselves.

    Take your dad to the range - you pay. Sure you can't afford it but the time you spend will be worth the two days you tighten your belt and skip lunch.
    Buy your mom some flowers. Something so simple can really make a mom's day. When's the last time you did that for no reason?
    (Pick some if you're that broke!)

    Really there's only one path to take here. You want to feel loved and that's tough for them because you're far away, you have your own life, and you probably never call. When you do you're probably not all that talkative about your life so they can get to know you better.

    Grr, I forgot something important:
    "Forsake all others and cling only unto her."

    Growing up and detatching from your parents is part of being a man.
    No, I don't mean you should never call again and never see them. Just realize you're a man now. Grow a set and cut the umbilical.
    When you visit, visit as a friend and not a little kid that came home from playing house.

    And even if you're not getting along well with them always always ALWAYS (always!) remember that your wife is there right next to you. Not as a soundboard (whining is for those guys who's wives leave them for a real man) but as a friend and an alternate distraction.

    Go hang out with your wife. You don't need to talk the parents thing out, just hang with her and ask her one question. "How was your day?"
    She'll unload all her trouble on you and you'll feel better because you listened to the one and only person in the universe that really matters anyway. And give her a footrub. Those always end well. :)

    Heh, I hope all this makes sense. I tend to go on a bit but in this case I thought it important.

    "You're in the army now
    You're not behind the plow"
    [I]They make a desert and call it peace - Calgacus
    We're all just a bunch of Right Wing Racist Republican Homophobes - Rush L.

  3. #33
    Distinguished Member Array Paymeister's Avatar
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    +1 on Superman's comments. In particular:

    1) You married, moved, and quit school. You're a big boy, made decisions, and are making your way in life. The sister probably still needs stablilizing. Parents help where needed. Frankly, what would be wierder would be what goes on in my family: my mom helps where needed... then cuts a check to the other sib in the same amount to be "fair". Sure, I was thrilled to get $5K when my sister's family needed $5K to help with a new well pump (etc.), but it was a gift rather than an obligation on my mom's part.

    2) Parents' money is PARENTS' MONEY, not yours. If they want to give it all to PETA, that's their lookout. You have no call to any of it, so be delighted if a check arrives on your birthday... and don't grouse if it doesn't.

    3) The time spent with sister's boyfriend may be strategic rather than 'love the one you're with'. If she's considering marrying the guy, this may be Dad's way of checking him out or building a relationship with him that he ALREADY enjoys with you (or wishes he could - may be some hurts on his side, possibly).

    4) "A man shall leave his father and mother..." is what Scripture says. You haven't given any indication of your faith, and this doesn't presuppose any - but if that's been 'in print' since Moses, and the basis for Western Civilization, it carries weight. "Leaving" here suggests leaving all "call" on their support. If you weren't ready to do that, you weren't ready to get married. Are you married? Then who cares if you were ready: you did what you did, and now need to live with the consequences. Actually, it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of doing so - beats a whole lot of stories I've heard.

    5) On the religion note: if you (or anyone) wants Scripture-based advice, please PM me or one of the men of the cloth on the forum. We would be thrilled to show you scars and suggest ways to avoid them! But I recognize that this is not the place for chapter-and-verse.

    6) Seriously - they took you from helpless infant to compentent individual - they don't owe you a cent. Be thrilled with what they've done for you, and rejoice that you've got it as good as you do. The 'what I'm thankful for' list may help: start with "running water", then "hot water", and work from there (these two in particular mean a lot to me: we were without them for six months due to my foolish/sinful financial decisions).

    I also would like to echo QKShooter's remarks in your support, to the point that I would like to quote it in entirety for emphasis:
    I don't want to crash down too hard on nkanofolives because he is obviously no dummy.
    He is also decently intuitive and has some good gut instinct.
    WHY do I say that?
    Because after rereading his thread post I get the feeling that everything that he stated that he does not want to hear...he already knows is true.
    So I wish him a heap of happiness with his marriage and his future.
    True love always trumps money and working through problems will hopefully make them stronger as a couple.
    He has a job and a good head and a roof over his head and once he gets over this hurdle he'll most likely travel a good road ahead of him as a self made man.
    So I'm wishing best of luck.
    I am convinced that you have the tools you need to lead a very pleasant life. It may be with a 10-year-old car, and a trailer instead of a mansion, but that's not what makes for a happy life. Case in point: we're on the edge financially from the day-to-day side of things, and live in a trailer and drive one car with a rod knock and have a $250 Blazer as a backup. But we're debt-free and my daughter is turning out great. Comfortable? Mostly - I would enjoy a few things like, oh, a new bed or a second pair of shoes - but I wouldn't trade what I have! A pastor once told me, "If we all took our problems to the curb and looked around, the first thing we would do is run out and grab ours and drag them back inside, for fear someone would swap piles with us." And he was loosely quoting one of the ancient Greeks...

    Wishing you the best...

    PS: My stressors in marriage have been finances, too - check out the stuff written by Dave Ramsey (you'll find his books in any bookstore). Giving you the best advice I've got...

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  5. #34
    Distinguished Member Array stanislaskasava's Avatar
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    I think you deserve to be depressed. I don't want to hear about it.

  6. #35
    VIP Member Array cdwolf's Avatar
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    OMG.. Some of us have more problems then ...
    You have no Idea what problems are, say your prayers tonight and be thankful for what you have and had so far.

    A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

  7. #36
    VIP Member Array wmhawth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cdwolf View Post
    OMG.. Some of us have more problems then ...
    You have no Idea what problems are, say your prayers tonight and be thankful for what you have and had so far.
    Yes...The OP has received more than enough attention. Time for him to cowboy up and be a man IMHO.

  8. #37
    Member Array Superman's Avatar
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    Jun 2008
    Oklahoma in January...
    lol, Just wanted to pop back in for a quick note. 36 posts of "Suck it up" and why?

    Well, we're guys. If you tell a guy your problems you'll get solutions. We're hardwired to fix problems and that's that. :)

    If you tell a woman your problems she'll sympathize. That's how they're wired. They provide comfort. This is also the reason they're frustrated when they talk to us. They want sympathy after telling us about a jerk at work and we blankly ask them "You want me to go kill the *******?"

    At any rate, I think you understand more about yourself now than you did before. Sit down, form a plan, and get after it. You'll turn out to be a hell of a guy if you can pull out of this funk with a lesson learned. I'd bet on it.
    [I]They make a desert and call it peace - Calgacus
    We're all just a bunch of Right Wing Racist Republican Homophobes - Rush L.

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