July 26th, 2008 12:25 AM
Waxing, why would anyone do this?
From a high ranking member of the Female Ruling Class, who only spoke on the promise of anonymity:
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees, thinking, Cold wax, yeah...right! I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.
Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, thinking, Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!
What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water;
which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and must have some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal it she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night; while we go through various solutions.
I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the **** out of my friend.
Its sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
Life member NRA since 1983
I carry a Kimber Ultra Carry II in a Crossbreed SuperTuck. My wife carries a Walther PPS .40 w/Crossbreed holster.
July 26th, 2008 12:28 AM
There is a line in the movie "What Woman Want". Mel Gibson is given a bunch of female products to try. One is wax. After he tries it the first time, he yells out, "Why would anyone do that twice."
Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.
July 26th, 2008 01:59 AM
I'll keep your experience in mind, if for nothing but entertainment, LOL. I just cut my leg hair with my knife to see if it is sharp enough. Me manly man.
Gun control can be blamed in part for allowing 9/11 to happen.
"Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum" (Latin)- "If you want peace, prepare for war".
July 26th, 2008 09:40 AM
Very good read. Thanks.
"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance." -Thomas Jefferson
"Liberalism is a Mental Disorder." -Michael Savage
GOOD Gun Control is being able to hit your target! -Myself
July 26th, 2008 11:18 AM
"We're paratroopers. We're supposed to be surrounded!" Dick Winters
July 26th, 2008 11:59 AM
TMI <-- It is now called Overshare
Originally Posted by rodc13
Overshare!!!! But still very funny.
July 26th, 2008 02:17 PM
This is why I pay a professional to do it for me. At least they numb the area first!
July 26th, 2008 05:03 PM
July 26th, 2008 07:18 PM
I believe there is a Hebrew prayer that goes, "I thank You, O Lord, that I was not born woman!"
I considered it sexist and elitist until I read about waxing, and then heard descriptions of it from various females in unguarded moments; now, reading this, I am of the conclusion that the writer of the prayer must have been a wiser soul than I realized!
"Deine Papieren bitte?" or "ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ !"
(Choose only one)
NRA Endowment Member
"I bark at no man's bid. I will never come and go, and fetch and carry, at the whistle of the great man in the White House no matter who he is." -- David Crockett
July 26th, 2008 10:39 PM
This really should have had a Class 1 Beverage Alert.
I'm going to have to replace my keyboard now.
July 27th, 2008 11:55 AM
haha sorry but that is funny. Waxing if something else... It hurts, to say the least
July 27th, 2008 12:30 PM
Maybe some of us enjoy that "tingle" of having hair ripped out by the roots!
July 27th, 2008 04:40 PM
I'm trying to eat too... a nice salad I brought home from work, and this is the first post i open...
July 27th, 2008 04:54 PM
I had to stop part way through for I was laughing so hard tears came out.
Better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees.
July 28th, 2008 12:36 AM
Too funny. Why in the heck someone would go through extreme pain to overcome what god/nature put there in the first place is utterly crazy. And then to do it again and again. Jeez. Call me crazy, but for heavens sake, go with the flow, don't try to circumvent it.
Could you see some guys going, Jeez, this hurts like the dickens, but ole SuzieQ thinks body hair is disguising. Well, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. ..... KELLY CLARKSON!!!!! .... OK hit me up again with the wax.
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