DefensiveCarry I need your help!
This is a discussion on DefensiveCarry I need your help! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; My wife kept her last name and took mine. She just dropped her middle name. Now her maiden name is her middle....
View Poll Results: Combine or Do not!
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August 12th, 2008 10:08 AM
My wife kept her last name and took mine. She just dropped her middle name. Now her maiden name is her middle.
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... And how many want out." British Prime Minister Tony Blair
August 12th, 2008 10:21 AM
I didn't vote in the poll- due to the fact that I don't think you give enough options.
My personal thoughts/ experiences:
When I married Brian my maiden name became my middle name, and I took his last name. I notice in this thread that a lot of people have poo-pood at that- which I find very interesting. Apparently it's primarily a southern custom. Family ties are very important to us down here, and your names (all of them) help people figure out where you fit in the grand scheme of relations. In my personal situation, we also happen to live in a town where my family is well established and known, and I work in the family business- thus it is often helpful for people to quickly "know who I am." Sometimes I use both names, sometimes I just use Armstrong- depends on my mood and the circumstances.
As for all that noise about "honoring" one's husband by taking his name, or taking the husband's name because he is head of the household- whatever... I don't buy into that school of thinking. I am not chattel- neither is Brian. FWIW- lots of other cultures combine last names on marriage- and for children- the Spanish immediately come to mind.
Your name- the one you were born with- is a large part of who you are. Think about how it makes you feel to consider dropping your surname completely and taking another. Think it makes her feel any different? I bet it doesn't. Why should your soon to be wife be forced to change her identity because she got married? Makes you feel kind of like property, doesn't it?
In all reality- it isn't your decision to make, it's hers. Both of you should do what makes you comfortable. Kids can have either or both last names.
A girl can never have too much jewelry or too much weaponry.
- Princess Meredith NicEssus
August 12th, 2008 10:44 AM
You don't have to just combine the two words, you can actually mix the letters. There are a couple of good anagrams of LanderMillweed like:
Lewd Ladle Miner
Darn Law Drill Me
I guess they're all nonsense. :(
My wife kept her last name and I kept mine. It has worked out fine so far.
August 12th, 2008 10:46 AM
Nor have I. Is this more over the top PC crap?
Originally Posted by Agave
Be reasonable. See things my way.
August 12th, 2008 11:52 AM
Let me say first and foremost, I believe women are every bit an equal in a marriage. That being said I also believe in the custom of the wife assuming the husbands last name. I only have daughters, no sons, and have told all of them the same thing.
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“America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.” Abraham Lincoln
August 12th, 2008 11:53 AM
What does the Italian culture do? Did your future father-in-law change his name? Doubtful,.. it is your choice, but think about future genealogists having nightmares trying to resurrect the family tree; and also filling out those forms where there aren't enough squares to fit the long hyphenated name.
In the south the wife takes husbands name and makes her maiden name the middle, but my wife doesn't use her middle name. It is a traditional culture thing. If you want to break tradition go ahead and be a mamby pamby name-giver-upper.. oops did I say that?
August 12th, 2008 12:26 PM
Well said Lima. This was the same point I was trying to make but being a woman you were able to articulate it more eloquently.
Originally Posted by limatunes
"For the Lord your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands." Deuteronomy 16:15
August 12th, 2008 08:18 PM
I agree with limatunes and I'll add my own opinion.
Are the two of you planning on wearing wedding bands? I ask because I think they are symbolic in the same way that taking the husband's name is.
If you're stranded on a desert island, a ring, a license, and a name are all pretty much irrelevant. I doubt that Adam and Eve had a last name to worry about. In modern society, they can represent the mindset with which two people approach what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment.
I may be old-fashioned, but a woman who insists on retaining her name gives the appearance of having a less than wholly commited mindset toward a sacred relationship. One name symbolizes unity, not property. I don't see how two people can become one if they intend to maintain separate isolated identities.
What harm can come from her taking your name? I don't know if a hyphen would stop me from marrying someone, but I would definitely discuss both sides of the question in pre-marital counseling (which I will do in any case if I ever find myself engaged.)
August 12th, 2008 08:58 PM
My wife did something similar....Her family calls each other by their middle name. So she dropped her first name & now uses her middle name first, then her maiden name & uses mine for her last WITHOUT THE HYPHEN. That way we're still Mr & Mrs. Goawayfarm.
Originally Posted by purple88yj
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August 12th, 2008 09:32 PM
My wife kept her last name and I kept mine. I would actually rathet have my Mom's maiden name. It is Hutchinson and a more traditional Scotchish name than Johnson.
August 12th, 2008 09:39 PM
32 years ago the wife wanted to keep her last name... so she added it as a extra middle name, this could the compromise you need, but for legal reasons you need to keep your last name intact. that is unless you are in the witness protection program.
"The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century
August 12th, 2008 09:54 PM
Do what makes both of you happy. Period.
My wife was divorced when we met and changed back to her maiden name before we got married. We were married in South America and by law she had to use my last name in addition to both her middle and last. She was not very amused since it made for a looong name to write in paperwork. Later she got a job at an US Embassy but she used her maiden name to apply & got the job. Funny thing happened, I was addressed at the embassy functions by her maiden name as it was my last.
When we moved back to the US, she kept her name and I kept mine. My last name is very common as Spanish surnames go and hers is quite uncommon in English. Since all the legal & financial paperwork is in both our names, it gets easy to search by her last name than by mine.
One thing: she hates the hyphenated last names. For her it is a symbol of indecision and snobbery at the same time so she never uses it and may your soul be free of sin if you do a hyphenated on her 'cause the southern bell comes out blasting both barrels of her shotgun.
Particularly I don't care one way or the other. I am happy that she is still with me after 22 years.
You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
August 12th, 2008 11:35 PM
Now there are two of the silliest comments I've read here lately. The first is exceptionally insulting toward women. It also might explain why this guy has never found himself engaged. The potential bride should definitely insist on the counseling.
Originally Posted by stanislaskasava
"We're paratroopers. We're supposed to be surrounded!" Dick Winters
August 13th, 2008 12:29 AM
I say...keep your last name for the both of you...no hyphens, either...but I'm old fashioned.
I always sense a 'troubled femanist' who chooses to go the hyphen route.
Of course, OMO...others will vary!
You two have to decide what will work for your situation...Good Luck!
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August 13th, 2008 05:08 AM
I, too, am a traditionalist and too many traditions, in this country, are falling. I would opt for her to take my last name. That said, it was never an issue with my wife. She was as proud to have my name as I was to give it to her. I also agree, that it is probably a decision that needs to be made jointly. Whatever works for both of you is what you should do.
Congratulations and good luck on the coming marriage. If it's half as good mine, you're a lucky man....
Coimhéad fearg fhear na foighde; Beware the anger of a patient man.