DefensiveCarry I need your help!

This is a discussion on DefensiveCarry I need your help! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; My wife kept her last name and took mine. She just dropped her middle name. Now her maiden name is her middle....

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Thread: DefensiveCarry I need your help!

  1. #31
    Senior Member Array purple88yj's Avatar
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    My wife kept her last name and took mine. She just dropped her middle name. Now her maiden name is her middle.
    "A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... And how many want out." British Prime Minister Tony Blair

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  3. #32
    Member Array chickdiver's Avatar
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    I didn't vote in the poll- due to the fact that I don't think you give enough options.

    My personal thoughts/ experiences:

    When I married Brian my maiden name became my middle name, and I took his last name. I notice in this thread that a lot of people have poo-pood at that- which I find very interesting. Apparently it's primarily a southern custom. Family ties are very important to us down here, and your names (all of them) help people figure out where you fit in the grand scheme of relations. In my personal situation, we also happen to live in a town where my family is well established and known, and I work in the family business- thus it is often helpful for people to quickly "know who I am." Sometimes I use both names, sometimes I just use Armstrong- depends on my mood and the circumstances.

    As for all that noise about "honoring" one's husband by taking his name, or taking the husband's name because he is head of the household- whatever... I don't buy into that school of thinking. I am not chattel- neither is Brian. FWIW- lots of other cultures combine last names on marriage- and for children- the Spanish immediately come to mind.

    Your name- the one you were born with- is a large part of who you are. Think about how it makes you feel to consider dropping your surname completely and taking another. Think it makes her feel any different? I bet it doesn't. Why should your soon to be wife be forced to change her identity because she got married? Makes you feel kind of like property, doesn't it?

    In all reality- it isn't your decision to make, it's hers. Both of you should do what makes you comfortable. Kids can have either or both last names.
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  4. #33
    Member Array CharlieMike's Avatar
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    You don't have to just combine the two words, you can actually mix the letters. There are a couple of good anagrams of LanderMillweed like:

    Dwelled Manlier
    Lewd Ladle Miner
    Landward Miller
    Darn Law Drill Me

    I guess they're all nonsense. :(

    My wife kept her last name and I kept mine. It has worked out fine so far.

  5. #34
    VIP Member Array wmhawth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Agave View Post
    I have never in my life heard of a man taking his wife's surname....
    Nor have I. Is this more over the top PC crap?

  6. #35
    Senior Member Array ronwill's Avatar
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    Let me say first and foremost, I believe women are every bit an equal in a marriage. That being said I also believe in the custom of the wife assuming the husbands last name. I only have daughters, no sons, and have told all of them the same thing.
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  7. #36
    VIP Member Array Yoda's Avatar
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    What does the Italian culture do? Did your future father-in-law change his name? Doubtful,.. it is your choice, but think about future genealogists having nightmares trying to resurrect the family tree; and also filling out those forms where there aren't enough squares to fit the long hyphenated name.

    In the south the wife takes husbands name and makes her maiden name the middle, but my wife doesn't use her middle name. It is a traditional culture thing. If you want to break tradition go ahead and be a mamby pamby name-giver-upper.. oops did I say that?
    Yoda, I am, yes.

  8. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by limatunes View Post

    I took my husband's name, completely. No hyphens, no making my middle name my maiden name, nothing like that.

    I did it because of respect, honor and authority.

    When I was born I was given my father's name. He was my authority along with my mother. Sometimes he wasn't the greatest authoritarian but he was my father and due the respect a father warrants. It took me a long time to appreciate the name he gave me.

    Our family name was trusted, it was respected and looked up to. It was honored in our community and to be honest, after I learned to respect it I didn't want to give it up.

    Then I got married and I personally believe that a good wife has a duty to bring honor and respect to her husband. I could do this, in part, by taking his name and then being the kind of wife that can be honored and respected. So that people who hear my name and learn that I am the wife of my husband can better respect him because they have known me.

    Also, because I submitted my authority to my husband. I wrote about it in a previous thread but I'll say it again here. Just before we got married I gave JD veto power in our marriage. Provided it was nothing illegal or harmful to me or our family if we were stuck on a decision and could not compromise I promised that I would be the one to submit to his decision and follow him.

    My taking his last name is a reminder of that promise.

    He is the head of our home and it is only fitting and right that it be his name that I and his children carry on into the world. It is his GOOD NAME that when people hear it, they can say, "That family is a good family."
    Well said Lima. This was the same point I was trying to make but being a woman you were able to articulate it more eloquently.
    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
    I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference.

  9. #38
    Senior Member Array stanislaskasava's Avatar
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    I agree with limatunes and I'll add my own opinion.

    Are the two of you planning on wearing wedding bands? I ask because I think they are symbolic in the same way that taking the husband's name is.

    If you're stranded on a desert island, a ring, a license, and a name are all pretty much irrelevant. I doubt that Adam and Eve had a last name to worry about. In modern society, they can represent the mindset with which two people approach what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment.

    I may be old-fashioned, but a woman who insists on retaining her name gives the appearance of having a less than wholly commited mindset toward a sacred relationship. One name symbolizes unity, not property. I don't see how two people can become one if they intend to maintain separate isolated identities.

    What harm can come from her taking your name? I don't know if a hyphen would stop me from marrying someone, but I would definitely discuss both sides of the question in pre-marital counseling (which I will do in any case if I ever find myself engaged.)

  10. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by purple88yj View Post
    My wife kept her last name and took mine. She just dropped her middle name. Now her maiden name is her middle.
    My wife did something similar....Her family calls each other by their middle name. So she dropped her first name & now uses her middle name first, then her maiden name & uses mine for her last WITHOUT THE HYPHEN. That way we're still Mr & Mrs. Goawayfarm.
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  11. #40
    Senior Member Array rljohns's Avatar
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    My wife kept her last name and I kept mine. I would actually rathet have my Mom's maiden name. It is Hutchinson and a more traditional Scotchish name than Johnson.

  12. #41
    VIP Member Array Sheldon J's Avatar
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    32 years ago the wife wanted to keep her last name... so she added it as a extra middle name, this could the compromise you need, but for legal reasons you need to keep your last name intact. that is unless you are in the witness protection program.
    "The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century

  13. #42
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    Do what makes both of you happy. Period.

    My wife was divorced when we met and changed back to her maiden name before we got married. We were married in South America and by law she had to use my last name in addition to both her middle and last. She was not very amused since it made for a looong name to write in paperwork. Later she got a job at an US Embassy but she used her maiden name to apply & got the job. Funny thing happened, I was addressed at the embassy functions by her maiden name as it was my last.
    When we moved back to the US, she kept her name and I kept mine. My last name is very common as Spanish surnames go and hers is quite uncommon in English. Since all the legal & financial paperwork is in both our names, it gets easy to search by her last name than by mine.
    One thing: she hates the hyphenated last names. For her it is a symbol of indecision and snobbery at the same time so she never uses it and may your soul be free of sin if you do a hyphenated on her 'cause the southern bell comes out blasting both barrels of her shotgun.

    Particularly I don't care one way or the other. I am happy that she is still with me after 22 years.
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  14. #43
    VIP Member Array rodc13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by stanislaskasava View Post
    . . . a woman who insists on retaining her name gives the appearance of having a less than wholly commited mindset toward a sacred relationship. . . .

    . . . I don't know if a hyphen would stop me from marrying someone, but I would definitely discuss both sides of the question in pre-marital counseling (which I will do in any case if I ever find myself engaged.)
    Now there are two of the silliest comments I've read here lately. The first is exceptionally insulting toward women. It also might explain why this guy has never found himself engaged. The potential bride should definitely insist on the counseling.
    Cheers,
    Rod
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  15. #44
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    I say...keep your last name for the both of you...no hyphens, either...but I'm old fashioned.
    I always sense a 'troubled femanist' who chooses to go the hyphen route.
    Of course, OMO...others will vary!

    You two have to decide what will work for your situation...Good Luck!
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  16. #45
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    I, too, am a traditionalist and too many traditions, in this country, are falling. I would opt for her to take my last name. That said, it was never an issue with my wife. She was as proud to have my name as I was to give it to her. I also agree, that it is probably a decision that needs to be made jointly. Whatever works for both of you is what you should do.

    Congratulations and good luck on the coming marriage. If it's half as good mine, you're a lucky man....
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