Ultimate Dumbness - AKA ParaDumb
This is a discussion on Ultimate Dumbness - AKA ParaDumb within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of ...
August 17th, 2008 12:41 PM
Ultimate Dumbness - AKA ParaDumb
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it.
He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Bank robbery demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh…on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit….and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber’s signature and account number.
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door.
He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print. (The Truth)
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.
Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted.
He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.
On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway.
She turned him in.
Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties."
The robber took them and left.
A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.
Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police.
This resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
There was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera...While it was recording. Remotely.
(That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process.
He then realized that:
(1) he could not get to the money from where he was.
(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered.
(3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help.
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy.
Sooo....banging up more walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
He LOST $5 in robbing the store.
Not long ago a man from Grand Forks North Dakota traveled to Fargo North Dakota to rob Community First Bank. He scribbled his ransom note and gave it to the teller. The quickly gave him the money and watched him run out the door. Attempts to search the surrounding area were unsuccessful. Upon review of the ransom note it was revealed that the man wrote the ransom note on his personal bank deposit note. Police traveled to the man’s home to arrest him.
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled -- leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does -- backward!
A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed.
She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check -- a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head -- and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole -- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)
Florida: Dr. John Rende, a 38-year-old Florida dentist, agreed to allow two brothers to cut off a finger with an axe and claim it was an accident. He collected a $1.3 million lump-sum settlement from one brother's homeowner’s policy, and filed under his own disability policy as well.
Rende used some of the money to buy a yacht, which he named "Minus One." He and his brothers pleaded guilty and are currently in jail.... (Excerpted from Erie Insurance Group's "In Sync" magazine.)
Hagerstown, MD: Jeff M. was caught driving while intoxicated, and was promptly arrested by Maryland's finest so he could have some private time to sober up a little. As he was leaving the police station, however, Jeff decided to "thank" the arresting officer for services rendered by dropping his trousers -- while facing the officer -- and making a gesture which would probably be understood by, say, Divine Brown. :-) Jeffy was promptly arrested *again*, and charged with indecent exposure.
Vernon, British Columbia: Raymond Cuthbert dropped by a drugstore to say that he and his accomplice would be back in 30 minutes to rob the place. On time for their appointment, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police arrested them.
Sao Paulo, Brazil: Psychiatrist Oscar Dominguez was listening to a patient talk about her sex life when he pulled out a gun and shot her to death. As he explained to the court,
"I just couldn't take those nut cases anymore."
Rouen, France: Moments after robbing a bank, Jules Duprer jumped into a car, shouting, "Get away quick, before the cops come." He failed to notice that the car he was counting on to spirit him to safety was a *police* car.
A gentleman awoke one cold morning and found that his car would not start; the problem was a frozen fuel line. No problem for Mr. Brilliant -- one need only warm up the gas, right? So he siphoned off the fuel, put it into a pot, took it into the kitchen and heated it up on the stove....
August 17th, 2008 12:57 PM
Those are funny.
One thing though, there are a lot of duplicate stories in there.
64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
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