A Few Clean Jokes

This is a discussion on A Few Clean Jokes within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you ...

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Thread: A Few Clean Jokes

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
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    A Few Clean Jokes

    One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
    very Sexy nightie.
    'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
    So he tied her up and went golfing.

    *****************************************

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
    She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack
    your bags. I won the lottery!'
    The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
    mountain stuff?'
    'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




    ********************************************

    Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
    the other is a husband.



    *************************************

    A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
    First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
    The optician showed him a card with the letters

    'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
    'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
    'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


    ******************************************

    Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must
    tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
    'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'





    ********************************************

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
    'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh!
    You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
    We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE
    BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
    You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
    up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
    You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT!
    THE SALT!'
    The wife stared at him.
    'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to
    fry a couple of eggs?'
    The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels
    like when I'm driving.'
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

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  3. #2
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    Array Rock and Glock's Avatar
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    "The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years."

    That's hysterical!
    Richard

    NRA Life Member

    "But if they don't exist, how can a man see them?"

    "You may think I'm pompous, but actually I'm pedantic... let me explain the difference."

    "Carry the battle to them. Don't let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don't ever apologize for anything."

  4. #3
    Member Array spooter66's Avatar
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    "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." - Sir Winston Churchill


  5. #4
    VIP Member Array PatrioticRick's Avatar
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    Pretty funny stuff
    Μολὼν λαβέ

    USN 78-82/USAF 82-93 Medically Retired
    Desert Shield/Desert Storm
    DAV Life Member
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  6. #5
    Member Array 2AMomma's Avatar
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    Those are great! I love jokes I can share!

    Thanks Deadeye!
    "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."


    "SA is a cognitive state or process associated with the assessment of multiple environmental cues in a dynamic situation" ~ Isaac

  7. #6
    Senior Member Array boscobeans's Avatar
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    Two buddies were headed out to the beach to impress the ladies.

    The less experienced one asked, "How can I get the girls to notice me?"

    "Well, before you get to the beach put something big like a potato in your speedo."

    Later that day the advice giver notices his friend walking around with a digusted look on his face and whispers to him, "You'll do a lot better if you put the potato IN THE FRONT."

  8. #7
    Member Array madmunky40's Avatar
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    good jokes to wake up to
    "It is better to live one day as a lion than a hundred years as a sheep."
    - Italian proverb

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    Member Array G96X0's Avatar
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    Marriage is a great institution but who wants to be institutionalized ??

  10. #9
    Distinguished Member Array morintp's Avatar
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    Those were great!
    64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

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