This is a discussion on Chuck Norris within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Saw this on Glock Talk and Laughed for a good 5-10 mins had to post it here
When Chuck Norris has sex with a ...
December 21st, 2005 10:58 PM
Saw this on Glock Talk and Laughed for a good 5-10 mins had to post it here
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
December 21st, 2005 10:58 PM
December 21st, 2005 11:04 PM
Similiar "facts" on Chuck Norris were posted on Berettaforum.net as well...I forgot which website they came from though.
USAF: Loving Our Obscene Amenities Since 1947
December 22nd, 2005 08:09 AM
Looks like somebody doesn't like Chuck!
EOD - Initial success or total failure
December 22nd, 2005 04:22 PM
That had me rolling!!!
December 22nd, 2005 06:38 PM
How could anyone hate Chuck? He shot more from the hip then Billy the Kid did. (every movie or show he has been in he always shoots from the hip and always hits his mark)
Originally Posted by rstickle
Gotta love Walker Texas Ranger
December 23rd, 2005 11:13 AM
One time I was in the library when two mentally challenged youths were on one of the computers using the internet. I overhead them talking and one was saying to the other
"Look up Walker Texas Ranger".
The other one said
"Yeah, he rocks. He'll kick your ass."
The first one replies
"Yeah, he's awesome"
I think that sums up the Chuck Norris fan club.
Seek safety at the heart of danger.
Live Easy, Die Hard
December 23rd, 2005 11:18 AM
I almost forgot. Does anyone remember the ad in BlackBelt magazine.....
CHUCK NORRIS ACTION JEANS
These blue jeans had a stretchy portion of fabric in the crotch so you can do your roundhouse kicks without ripping your pants. Combine those with the Total Gym and your a Chuck Norris Gold Member!
Seek safety at the heart of danger.
Live Easy, Die Hard
December 23rd, 2005 07:50 PM
Awe come on chuck seems to be a decent Guy granted the roundhouse kick gets a little old but everyone got there trade mark..
December 23rd, 2005 08:00 PM
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
si vis pacem, para bellum
protego communis bona
December 23rd, 2005 08:19 PM
Originally Posted by d2thomas
Thats Not surprising
December 23rd, 2005 11:36 PM
Too funny! I had to check back to re-read the list again.
December 24th, 2005 09:32 AM
I wanna see that.
Gun control is hitting what you aim at
December 24th, 2005 09:48 AM
Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Mr. T facts at the top.
January 10th, 2006 09:24 AM
Chuck Norris Facts
"Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing."
WARNING: Site may contain occasional offensive language.
Blessed be the Lord my rock who trains my hands for war and my fingers for battle. Psalm 144:1
Si vis pacem, para bellum
January 10th, 2006 10:20 AM
Hi JT, we have an older thread on the same subject.
I'm going to merge this at the bottom of that thread, since there were some new ones not in the original.
"Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa
By Black Knight in forum The Second Amendment & Gun Legislation Discussion
Last Post: September 23rd, 2009, 08:02 PM
By ErikGr7 in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
Last Post: September 5th, 2009, 03:06 PM
By Bunny in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
Last Post: June 17th, 2009, 01:41 PM
By dunndw in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
Last Post: June 12th, 2007, 12:42 AM
By Rob99VMI04 in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
Last Post: May 4th, 2007, 04:26 PM
Search tags for this page
Click on a term to search for related topics.