Christmas, with Louise.

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Thread: Christmas, with Louise.

  1. #1
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    Christmas, with Louise.

    This supposedly won a prize in 1999 for Xmas stories - whatever it's history, it gave me a chuckle or three!

    Sorry if some have seen it but hey - it's kinda topical right now.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Christmas With Louise

    As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
    before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
    they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
    Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
    pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
    went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
    Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been
    in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there
    an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who
    would buy that?"

    Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
    standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my
    truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
    wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of
    the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in
    a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the
    bottom of the price scale.



    To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
    life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the Wee
    morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
    pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
    Cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
    home, and giggled for a couple of hours.



    The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
    and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
    confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
    more.


    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
    family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
    dinner.

    My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
    hell is that?" she asked.

    My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

    "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

    I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

    "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

    "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the
    dining room.

    But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?

    Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
    wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang
    on!"

    My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
    said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

    I told him she was a friend of Jay's.

    A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
    just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
    might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
    was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
    my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
    hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

    The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
    across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
    resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

    Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

    Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
    the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
    a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

    Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
    perfect health!


    Best to all

    Merry Christmas!

    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

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    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    That is way to funny if old lady wasnt sleeping i would be laughing very hard have to stifle another fit of laughter now

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    That's a keeper!
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

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    Distinguished Member Array jarhead79's Avatar
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    I could just see these people. You just don't make up stories like that.
    www.ubgholsters.com short wait times. Use 'defensivecarry' as a coupon code for a discount to your order.

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    Senior Member Array older gunner's Avatar
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    P95, Thanks for the best laugh of the week. That's priceless.

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    Thanks For The Heads Up P95 :~)

    I had better keep my Inflatable Imogene away from the fireplace.


    Sure Hope you folks don't actually think that's ME!

    Hey...search the web for Inflatable Dolls.
    AMAZING!

    You can buy Debbie Doggy Style & Dirty Dianna

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    Don't sweat it QK - just remember the duct tape!
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  9. #8
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    Ok

    Boy!..........Another of the unlimited myriad of uses for Good Old Duct Tape.

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