This is a discussion on Colonoscopies within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me ...
November 7th, 2008 11:35 AM
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was
shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
& nbsp; MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything. ?And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. ?You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. ?Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was
music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
BE PREPARED - Noah didn't build the Ark when it was raining!
Si vis pacem, para bellum
NRA Life Member
November 7th, 2008 11:51 AM
After a horrible week, This is what I needed to lift me up... I think I may have expireinced the MoviPrep movement myself while reading this passage.
"Without fear there can be no Courage!"
November 7th, 2008 12:04 PM
This sounds pretty much like my experience. The worst thing is the clensing experience. As Sniper58 said it goes into future mode. Then, so very kindly, taking a nap with no dreans of the proceedure going on behind you.
One should never confuse good fortune with good training.
Illegitimus Non Carborundum.
In God we trust.
November 7th, 2008 12:26 PM
Hysterical! I needed a laugh!
"He went on two legs, wore clothes and was a human being, but nevertheless he was in reality a wolf of the Steppes. He had learned a good deal . . . and was a fairly clever fellow. What he had not learned, however, was this: to find contentment in himself and his own life. The cause of this apparently was that at the bottom of his heart he knew all the time (or thought he knew) that he was in reality not a man, but a wolf of the Steppes."
November 7th, 2008 12:50 PM
I fear getting older even more now.
November 7th, 2008 12:57 PM
I dreaded my first one, but it was a breeze, instant sleep / instatnt awake. The prep was worse than the procedure.
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
-- Benjamin Franklin
November 7th, 2008 01:01 PM
Great post. Most medical procedures go a lot better if you approach them with a sense of humor.
Having been through stress tests, cardiac cath labs., cystoscopy, endoscopy, colonoscopy, CAT scans, ultra sounds, MRIs, and a few more things quite ghastly to contemplate, all I can say is I'm glad I don't have stock in a medical insurance company--- a few folks like me could take down AIG all by ourselves, without any help from inept management.
And the docs need to be psychologically screened into two categories; sadists and not quite so sadist. The ones in the former category should get their reimbursement cut by 50% since they are having such a good time. No point paying them for enjoying themselves.
November 7th, 2008 01:05 PM
Oh, how I enjoyed that! Thanks for the laugh today. The mental image of needing a seatbelt on the toilet is priceless.
-"I may get killed with my own gun, but he's gonna have to beat me to death with it, 'cause it's going to be empty." -Clint Smith
November 7th, 2008 01:54 PM
Good story.....classic Dave Barry.
For those of you who haven't had a colonscopy YET, click on the link below.......lots of good information about it.
Turn the election's in 2014 to a "2A Revolution". It will serve as a 1994 refresher not to "infringe" on our Second Amendment. We know who they are now.........SEND 'EM HOME. Our success in this will be proportional to how hard we work to make it happen.
November 7th, 2008 02:00 PM
Perfect description of the experience. As others have stated, the prep procedure is the worst part of it.
November 7th, 2008 08:05 PM
I would ... but I'm scared to!
Originally Posted by ppkheat
My doctor's nurse once asked if I'd a colonoscopy. Being that I was 40 at the time I looked her dead in the eye and said, there's nothing in there he needs!
November 7th, 2008 11:24 PM
I go next week for the pre-meeting. The last one I was awake for, and watched it on the screen. No problems at all, but you're right, the prep is horrible! Thank you, Dave Barry, for reminding me of what is to come...
Assault is a behavior, not a device.
"Don't never take no shortcuts." Patty Reed, Donner Party
Lifetime NRA member
November 7th, 2008 11:59 PM
Ha, ha...ha, ha... oh, it's not bad..... just take a radio, magazine, and a phone with you after you drink the "magic liquid". LMAO. Had one this summer.
On 2nd thought, better take 4 magazines & a book with you too.
November 8th, 2008 10:18 AM
November 8th, 2008 10:30 AM
If the prep isnt bad enough just taking a look at the length of the "garden hose" the Dr. has thrown over his shoulder when he walks into the room will get the mind telling the feet to ,"get the hell out of here" !!!!! By now it is too late to run because you are well on the way to slumberville.
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