This is a discussion on Enjoy !! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I'm sure this has been around for awhile, but it is cute - everyone will enjoy this one for a New Years laugh.
Subject: Taser ...
January 5th, 2006 02:13 PM
I'm sure this has been around for awhile, but it is cute - everyone will enjoy this one for a New Years laugh.
Subject: Taser Experience
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes...
....Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 18th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to
her what that burn spot on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts (AND socks/sandels) and a tank top with my glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight -- always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door,
picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh like yours truly)
SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on TV across the room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back.
Never Touchin' the Taser Again! NEVER!!
January 5th, 2006 02:13 PM
January 5th, 2006 02:20 PM
OMG i shot coffee outa my nose onto my laptop screen funnyest damm thing i have read in ages
January 5th, 2006 03:01 PM
Bwhahaha - I sorta remember reading that some time ago - but might as well not have, because once more - it had me curled up
Ain't mental imagery a great thing
Chris - P95
NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.
"To own a gun and assume that you are armed
is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."
- a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.
January 5th, 2006 05:11 PM
It's funny, because I could see myself "that curious"
short wait times. Use 'defensivecarry' as a coupon code for a discount to your order.
January 5th, 2006 05:25 PM
Never saw that before but that was funny as can be
January 5th, 2006 07:28 PM
New One On Me
That would be a Stun Gun though & not a Taser.
Just for the forum record.
January 5th, 2006 07:34 PM
yep, dog shock collars can be fun entertainment too.
January 5th, 2006 07:52 PM
I laughed so hard I thought I was gonna be sick!
January 6th, 2006 09:06 PM
Geez, you stealing my jokes
January 7th, 2006 12:09 AM
use to do this trick where you grab the electric fence, the trick is to grab real hard hold on then let go between zaps. One fine day I decided to demonstrate this to the then 16 year who had a real bad case of SupperMan syndrome. I said watch this, and grabbed on real hard, and gritting my teeth I said "See nothing to it you try" and let go. Sort of forgetting to tell SupperMan er the 16 year old the trick of holding on tight I stood back.... and fell on the ground laughing when he just lightly grabed on and tried to stay there. No he did not hold on very long, but you know he still will not try every thing I do, Hehehe.
"The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century
January 7th, 2006 08:48 AM
The stun-gun story is hilarious...it also hits a little too close to home. Allow me to explain.
About 4 years ago Travis, a good friend of mine, got one of these things for his wife because he wanted her to have something with which to defend herself (IIRC it was a 300,000 volt model). Since she worked at a hospital a firearm was out so he decided to try one of these.
Anyway, the day he got it be brought it in to show me and one of our other buddy's (who happens to be a paramedic). After spending a few minutes pulling the trigger and watching the pretty blue "arc," he hands it to me and says "zap me." My initial response was something to the effect of "are you F***ing kidding me, I'm not going to zap you."
He explained that, as he was going to give it to his wife for defense, and as he had heard a lot of both good and bad about the effectiveness of these things, he wanted to feel it himself to see what it was going to be like. At this point, feeling like he had made a good point (Okay, I'll admit it, I wanted to see what it'd do ) I agreed to shock him with it. We decided the arm was the best place for our test since we didn't want to shock the chest and risk some sort of heart irregularity. We also ruled out the leg; just in case it actually paralyzed him, he didn't want to fall on his face.
I gave him a quick zap (maybe 1 second) to the triceps at which point he said a dirty word and started flailing his arm around. After a minute or so he says, "You know, it hurt but it wasn't really that bad."
(Can y'all see where this is going?)
I don't know whether it was ego, curiosity, or stupidity (or "D.-all of the above") but at this point, I told him I wanted to get in on the fun. Hearing this, our other friend (the medic) said: "Matt, he did this because he's giving it to his wife and if he had passed out or something I'd have helped him. You're doing it because you're a *******, if you have a heart-attack I'm going to laugh" (what are friends for...)
Non-deterred, I told Travis to go ahead and light me up. Once again, the arm was selected as the target. My response pretty much paralled his. While it hurt like heck it wasn't really "that bad."
Of course being the intelligent individualls we are, we each shocked each other about 3 more times while our other friend stood by, shaking his head in disgust.
The point of this story? Other than the somewhat questionable humor, I learned that these devices are pretty much "all bark and no bite." Yeah it hurt, but neither one of us were paralyzed, stunned, or unconscious. So while scary, I don't recommend them to anyone for defense.
"Being a predator isn't always comfortable but the only other option is to be prey. That is not an acceptable option." ~Phil Messina
If you carry in Condition 3, you have two empty chambers. One in the weapon...the other between your ears.
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