City Boy went hunting.

City Boy went hunting.

This is a discussion on City Boy went hunting. within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; This happened years ago. The wife and I were visiting married friends in KY and I was invited to tag along the next day to ...

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 20

Thread: City Boy went hunting.

  1. #1
    VIP Member
    Array Miggy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Miami-Dade, FL
    Posts
    6,258

    Talking City Boy went hunting.

    This happened years ago. The wife and I were visiting married friends in KY and I was invited to tag along the next day to a deer hunt. Stupidly I accepted since I was willing to experience the "thrill of the hunt' something I never lived. I was going just as an observer since I did not feel like shelling the $100+ fee for an out of state hunter and I thought that I'd be a danger with my non-existent training in long guns.

    Sometime in the wee hours of the AM when even ghouls and witches are asleep, I felt a hand shaking my shoulder and a voice demanding to wake the heck up. Is the darn house on fire? Are we being attacked by feral zombies? WTH? When the fog of Morpheus dissipated, I collected my drooled self, got up and I was promptly shoved a cup of steaming coffee in my hands. Before I could say thank you, I understood why I was given coffee: Sometime during the night, the house was raised from its foundations and deposited inside NASA's Deep Freezing Hangar for Outer Space Temperature Material testing. It was COLD for the love of all that is holy! Mind you, you have to understand that I had lived 90% of my life in a region of the world where 65 degrees is considered the new Ice Age and 95 is just a tad warm. Of course, that being my regular weather, my clothing was appropriate for fighting alongside rebel guerrillas in the rain forest (AKA Jungle) but not quite "tactical" for the forests of Kentucky around Thanksgiving. My thickest piece of clothing was one of those outback long coats which I donned with just about every t-shirt I had. Adding triple socks to my feet made me have a nasty time putting on my sneakers.

    I headed for the kitchen nursing the 4 drops of coffee left in the cup. When I stepped in, I saw that the table was covered in quantities of food indicating that a small church choir was joining us for breakfast. Biscuits, rolls, bacon, jelly, gravy, grits, sausage, steak, chicken (ugh), scrambled eggs, sunny side up eggs, pickles, hash browns and Quick were available. I don't eat breakfast so I headed for the coffee pot, poured about 5 ounces of sugar in it plus about half cup of milk and stirred with a wooden spoon. Thinking that drinking directly from the pot would be impolite, I requested a straw.

    When my buddy finished his breakfast and half of what was supposed to be mine (no small choir coming) we stepped outside the house. I swear I heard an owl hoot "Would you cut down the racket? Some of us are trying to sleep for the love of God!" Oh, by the way, it was frigging cold! the marrow in my bones turned to dry ice within 3 seconds and I sucked on that straw trying to get more hot coffee in my stomach. My buddy loaded the back of his truck with a rifle case and a small back pack & we hopped inside. As he drove to his "perfect deer spot" I was trying to figure out if my uncontrollable shaking was due to the cold or a previously undetected nerve malady augmented by a sudden ingestion of 12 cups of highly sugared coffee. The heat in the truck took forever to engage and when the temp inside the cabin finally reached somewhere above 32 degrees, we arrived at the scared hunting ground.

    Against by own instincts, I got off the truck and got mauled once more by the darn cold. This time a new twist was added: My bladder demanded that I took care of business right there and then. I looked around and found some bushes to one side and told my buddy I'd be right back. I undid whatever layers of zippers & assorted tighty whities I had on but the inhabitant of the nether region refused to expose itself to sub-zero air. After cajoling, threatening and serious negotiations which included a vacation in Aruba, I was able to avoid an accident and found relief.

    We proceeded into the woods as my buddy chatted and explained to me the principles of hunting, spoor, tracks, feeding salt blocks, points on a deer (which sounded like a scoring system for basketball if you ask me) and tons of other info that my brain tried to assimilate and process in vain. After what it seemed halfway through the distance Bataan Death March, we reached a "creek" (In the city we see more water in a drainage ditch though) and was told to hunker down to wait for Deer to show up. So I did what I usually do when I am about to be very bored waiting: I lit a smoke.

    -"You can't smoke here!"
    -"I don't see a No Smoking sign anywhere.
    -"It is no that you dumb arse. It is for the deer."
    -"What, they don't like second hand smoking? Are they health nazis or something?
    -"No, they get scared."
    -"So they are health nazis."
    -"Just put that crap away."

    I took the longest drag ever and put the cigarette out. Of course, with such a long drag, the inevitable coughing fit occurred. I did not know that hunters were such a uncaring bunch, I mean he could just wrap my mouth with three layers of duct tape but instead he used about half a roll to contain my coughing fit.

    We waited and waited and waited and I fell asleep with my back sitting against a tree. Next thing I hear is a detonation so dive for the ground or I should say roll 'cause every joint in my body was frozen solid and I could not extend my body. Thankfully the sun was up now and after some 25 minutes and a liberal application from a plumber's torch I was able to walk upright (somewhat) again.

    I approached the newly dead deer as my buddy was gutting & cleaning it. I asked that, since the deer was dead and second hand smoking should be the last thing in his mind, would he mind if I could have a nicotine refill. My buddy gave me a look, sighed and said it was OK... Oh what a glorious feeling of heat and addiction savored.

    When he finished his task, I asked what's next and I did not like the answer.

    -"We take it to the truck."
    -"What?"
    -"What did you think? I am going to leave it here?"
    -"I guess not but, Can we call somebody? UPS or something and have it delivered it?"
    -"No, we gotta drag it back to the truck. We'll take turns."

    Now the deer looked like it was the size of a small horse and I dreaded the idea of marching with that thing through an uneven forest for three counties and a federal reservation. I pleaded and cajoled but to no avail. Finally I managed to get a long branch and scrounged some bailing wire and convinced my buddy to set carcass on the branch so both can share the pain. Although we ended up looking like a scene from a bad Tarzan movie from the 1930's where the natives have the kill of the day and are marching back to camp, it did the trick and we reached the truck without back pain enough to require morphine and a Thai masseuse. We next drove to the Ranger station where the deer was examined, some records taken and the ranger put on the deer one of those plastic wrist bands Night Clubs use on patrons for control. I thought it was a good waste of wristband seeing that this deer would not be enjoying any disco dancing any time soon. After that we went to the local butcher who promised to prepare and have the deer in steaks and sausages sometime before tax day.

    All in all was an educational experience and I gained a lot of respect for hunting and hunters. And no, no way in hell I would repeat it. I am too lazy and I like to sleep only to be woken by sunlight, a fresh pot of coffee and a bathroom with a temperature that will allow no hassled when my bladder comes a calling.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!


  2. #2
    JD
    JD is online now
    Administrator
    Array JD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    19,340
    I like that bit about the twine and a stick, that's why I always liked having lazy people around in the service, for all the complaining they do, every now and then they WILL show you how to do something easier.


    Thanks for the good read. I rather enjoyed that.




    I miss deer camp.


    UPS?

  3. #3
    Senior Moderator
    Array pgrass101's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Alabama
    Posts
    13,575
    Thanks Miggy that was well worth the read.
    A real man loves his wife, and places his family as the most important thing in life. Nothing has brought me more peace and content in life than simply being a good husband and father.

  4. #4
    VIP Member Array Paco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    McKinney, TX
    Posts
    3,507
    That was awesome, now I have a good reason to say I only hunt at the butcher shop. Nice and comfortable and I bag a prize every time!
    "Don't hit a man if you can possibly avoid it; but if you do hit him, put him to sleep." - Theodore Roosevelt

    -Paco
    http://www.shieldsd.net

  5. #5
    VIP Member
    Array CopperKnight's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Spokane area, WA
    Posts
    6,742
    That's good.
    eschew obfuscation

    The only thing that stops bad guys with guns is good guys with guns. SgtD

  6. #6
    Lead Moderator
    Array rocky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    MI
    Posts
    16,149
    Sounds like fun. Your welcome to come along hunting with me in the frozen north of MI if you really want to experience the exhilarating cold and snow.
    "In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock." Thomas Jefferson


    Nemo Me Impune Lacesset

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array farronwolf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    4,828
    Very good read. You should get out and enjoy more of this world so that we all can get a good laugh every now and again.
    Just remember that shot placement is much more important with what you carry than how big a bang you get with each trigger pull.
    www.ddchl.com
    Texas CHL Instructor
    Texas Hunter Education Instructor
    NRA Instructor

  8. #8
    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    27,823
    Quote Originally Posted by Miggy View Post
    Thankfully the sun was up now and after some 25 minutes and a liberal application from a plumber's torch I was able to walk upright (somewhat) again.
    Only one question: Regarding your buddies' use of the torch on you ... was it truly a light, liberal tap on the shoulder or a heavy conservative crack (aka "liberal use") across the backside, to get your butt vertical?
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).
    NRA, SAF, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.

  9. #9
    VIP Member
    Array Miggy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Miami-Dade, FL
    Posts
    6,258
    Everybody should go at least once hunting even as an spectator. You get to see things from the point of view of the hunters and you are really amazed when you get pointed out things that are plain as your nose but you still managed to miss. There is a deep discipline and respect for Nature among hunters which is humbling.
    That being said, you all hunters are nuts as old fruitcake. I complained about a tiny 8 pointer but I want to know how the heck a hunter does when they bag a moose. Do the call a chopper for an airlift or what? Oompa Loompas on call? No way a hunter can drag a ton of meat even using an ATV.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  10. #10
    JD
    JD is online now
    Administrator
    Array JD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Central Iowa
    Posts
    19,340
    Quote Originally Posted by Miggy View Post
    That being said, you all hunters are nuts as old fruitcake. I complained about a tiny 8 pointer but I want to know how the heck a hunter does when they bag a moose. Do the call a chopper for an airlift or what? Oompa Loompas on call? No way a hunter can drag a ton of meat even using an ATV.
    That's usually exactly what they do, except the use a sled being towed by the ATV.

    My dad now uses a MAX
    .

  11. #11
    VIP Member
    Array Miggy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Miami-Dade, FL
    Posts
    6,258
    Quote Originally Posted by ccw9mm View Post
    Only one question: Regarding your buddies' use of the torch on you ... was it truly a light, liberal tap on the shoulder or a heavy conservative crack (aka "liberal use") across the backside, to get your butt vertical?
    You remember those WWII documentaries of the Marines during the Pacifc campaign clearing out caves?
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  12. #12
    Ex Member Array Yoda's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    East Texas
    Posts
    2,782
    You should try snipe hunting.

  13. #13
    Member Array ImaShepardRU's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    307
    Spent several years hunting in Michigans U.P. and then living there (and hunting) for a few more. You want cold? Try a brisk late November morning in da YooPee eh?
    You go into the woods before dawn, (remember the moments before dawn are the coldest) and sit. And sit. Did I say sit? Yeah, I did. Well, sit some more. When you can't sit any longer and it feels like your joints will never operate in the designed manner again, it's time to get up and do a little stalking. In our area of da U.P. if you haven't seen anything by now, you are going to have to go find where they are bedding. (And I don't mean sleepin' either)
    So, you walk, and walk, and walk more, and maybe if you are as quiet as a Cherokee scout and as cunning as a mountain lion, (and yes we have those) you'll get a chance to pop a shot off at one on a dead run when the bugger decided you were almost on top of him, he might as well run for it (right after you recover from the mild coronary you have just suffered). If you have the reflexes of a gunfighter and the mental acuity of a fighter pilot, maybe you'll get lucky. Oh, I should point out; Now that you've been 'lucky' you have to get the carcass out of the outback. Now what direction was that truck in anyway? Dang! I musta been walkin' for 2 hours!
    It's great fun. Everyone should try it. Once at least.
    This is the law;
    The purpose of fighting is to win.
    There is no possible victory in defense.
    The sword is more important than the shield and skill is more important than either.
    The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental. - John Steinbeck

  14. #14
    Member Array SwollenGoat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Columbus, Ohio
    Posts
    55
    Good read, thanks!

  15. #15
    Distinguished Member Array Agave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    West Tennessee
    Posts
    1,464
    That was fantastic.

    Last year, my brother took his girlfriend hunting with us. They show up to my house, as the hunting area is my backyard and she smells like she knows the Secret of Victoria and he has a disgusted look on his face. Then he asks me if she can borrow an orange hat and vest... Those items are still tied up in that garbage bag.
    The preceding post may contain sarcasm; it's just better that way. However, it is still intended with construction and with the Love of my L-rd Y'shua.

    NRA Certified Pistol Instructor, Tennessee Certified Instructor

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Sponsored Links

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Similar Threads

  1. Hunting GPS
    By NY27 in forum Related Gear & Equipment
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: May 29th, 2011, 07:42 PM
  2. Fox Hunting
    By SIGP250 in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: December 30th, 2010, 01:27 PM
  3. Hunting
    By TomEgun in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: November 27th, 2008, 09:18 AM
  4. Hunting?
    By TomEgun in forum General Firearm Discussion
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: November 24th, 2008, 03:35 PM
  5. CCW & Hunting
    By PatrioticRick in forum Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: November 16th, 2006, 07:39 PM