Not getting any?

Not getting any?

This is a discussion on Not getting any? within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I took this off another forum... One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, ...

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  1. #1
    Member Array ouch's Avatar
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    Not getting any?

    I took this off another forum...


    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
    'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
    She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
    'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
    We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
    I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
    She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
    She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, Let's get a pair for each outfit.'
    We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings...
    Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
    I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
    She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
    Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
    You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
    'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'


  2. #2
    Distinguished Member Array mr.stuart's Avatar
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    Senior Member Array BeefyBeefo's Avatar
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  4. #4
    Distinguished Member Array Rcher's Avatar
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    And right after that, my wife woulda punched me right in the mouth!

    >>---->
    "Government is not the solution to our problem; government IS the problem". - Ronald Reagan 1981

  5. #5
    Senior Member Array Hydrashok Glock's Avatar
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    Wow just wow
    The choices you make today define you of who you are tommorow

    When you see the light at the end of the tunnel your life is not over..... it is just about to begin

    COPS Protective Services

  6. #6
    VIP Member Array TN_Mike's Avatar
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    Heck yes. Now that's a good one.
    ,=====o00o _
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  7. #7
    Senior Member Array Chevyguy85's Avatar
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    and you're still alive to post this? i didn't know the dog house in the back yard had wireless!! :-o

  8. #8
    Senior Member Array tbrenke's Avatar
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    That has me ROTF. Never in my life wiould I have thought of it. Must forward to wife before I think about it and change my mind.
    "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution, which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." -1792, James Madison
    There are always too many Democratic, Republican and never enough U.S. congressmen.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Array DrLewall's Avatar
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    serves her right! GIRLS!
    "Brains before Bullets"

  10. #10
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    The secret to long life

    Quote Originally Posted by tbrenke View Post
    That has me ROTF. Never in my life wiould I have thought of it. Must forward to wife before I think about it and change my mind.
    You'll live longer if you don't forward this to your wife.

  11. #11
    VIP Member Array Dal1Celt's Avatar
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    Hell my wife would have shot me after that!!
    "Without fear there can be no Courage!"

  12. #12
    VIP Member Array AZ Husker's Avatar
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    The story is so true. Wish I would have thought of it...brilliant!
    Treat me good, I'll treat you better. Treat me bad, I'll treat you worse.

  13. #13
    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chevyguy85 View Post
    and you're still alive to post this? i didn't know the dog house in the back yard had wireless!! :-o
    Nah. The dog house was store-bought. He's in the wood shed.
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).
    NRA, SAF, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.

  14. #14
    Member Array Ovrmydeadbdy's Avatar
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    Havn't laughed that hard since I heard Obama was running for the President!
    "Our Country won't go on forever, if we stay as soft as we are now. There won't
    be any AMERICA left because some foreign soldiery will invade us and take our
    women and breed a hardier race!"
    -Lt. Gen. Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC

  15. #15
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    If it were only that easy.

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