Men vs. Women

Men vs. Women

This is a discussion on Men vs. Women within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is ...

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Thread: Men vs. Women

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array CT-Mike's Avatar
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    Men vs. Women

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
    Keep reading-they get better!!!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    WOMEN'S REVENGE
    'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
    'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    MARRIAGE SEMINAR
    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
    'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
    dislikes.'
    He addressed the man,
    'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's
    Pillsbury, isn't it ?


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
    of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
    for your wife ?
    He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
    to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
    tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.
    (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
    neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
    the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
    'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    WORDS
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
    30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat
    everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who
    should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
    The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
    you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
    Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
    that the man should do the coffee.'
    Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New testament and showed him
    at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home
    and were giving each other the silent treatment.
    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife
    to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
    on a piece of paper,
    'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
    he had missed his flight.
    Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
    when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
    The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------


    God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
    draft before the masterpiece
    "The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield, and government to gain ground."

    - Thomas Jefferson

    "I'm the arrow, you're my bow, shoot me forth and I will go"

    "Do not let any individual posts put a knot in your Big Boy Under-Roos"


  2. #2
    Senior Member Array Duisburg's Avatar
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    funny funny! I shared this with my main squeeze :)
    I am sworn to protect the Constitution of the U.S.A. from all threats both foreign and domestic.

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array SatCong's Avatar
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    Smile

    Thankyou I needed that.
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  4. #4
    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    I will NOT show my wife the "remote" joke.
    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

    (Sometimes) "a fight avioded is a fight won." ... claude clay

  5. #5
    VIP Member Array deadeye72's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by goldshellback View Post
    I will NOT show my wife the "remote" joke.
    Probably a very wise move.
    Glock 27
    BENELLI NOVA

  6. #6
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    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
    and still be afraid of a spider
    Do that to an alqeada terrorist and you get accused of torture
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array Ridgeline's Avatar
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    You don't have to understand them, just shake your head yes, and you will still control the remote tonight.
    "Eternity is Too Long to be Wrong"

    Texas CHL Instructor & Holder & Utah CFP Instructor
    NRA Instructor & Life Member
    Member TSRA, USCCA, TCHA
    Christian, Heterosexual, Pro-2A, Pro-Life, Conservative, Common Sense American

  8. #8
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    I can clearly identify...married 37 years!
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  9. #9
    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    Good stuff. These definitely need to be passed along. It's gonna get me in trouble, in some quarters, but some things just hafta be done.
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
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  10. #10
    VIP Member Array ExactlyMyPoint's Avatar
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    I have been sending them, one by one, to various people. Thanks for all the good material.
    Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.

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