Relocating To Retire

Relocating To Retire

This is a discussion on Relocating To Retire within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The ...

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Thread: Relocating To Retire

  1. #1
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    Array acparmed's Avatar
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    Relocating To Retire

    As we all know, when we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to?

    Here are some tips.

    You can live in Phoenix, Arizona (or Las Vegas, Nevada) where.....
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
    3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
    5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
    6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
    7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
    10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.


    You can Live in California where...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
    3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

    You can Live in New York City where...
    1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
    3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
    5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    6. You've worn out a car horn.
    7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You can Live in Maine where...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
    construction.

    You can Live in the Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2."y'all" is singular and "all y'alls" is plural.
    3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"
    4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
    5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Carole Ann, etc.

    You can live in Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You can live in the Midwest where...
    1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

    AND You can live in Florida where...
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
    Heroes are people who do what has to be done, when it has to be done, regardless of the consequences

    "I like when the enemy shoots at me; then I know where the ******** are and can kill them."
    ~George Patton

    DE OPPRESSO LIBER


  2. #2
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    Array QKShooter's Avatar
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    so true ~ so true

    That's a hoot!
    I just had to "save" this one!
    Liberty Over Tyranny Μολὼν λαβέ

  3. #3
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    Looks like I'm already in the place I think is the best for retirement. The mayor doesn't know me yet, but everyone else does. I'll be meeting the mayor and city aldermen next week.

    -Scott-

  4. #4
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    Sad, but looking at that list........ I'll take Maine.
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  5. #5
    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    i could take soem from almsot every place and make it michigan espically the 4 seasons Winter still winter more winter and construction ... yep thats michigan

  6. #6
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    Some real classics there -
    6. You've worn out a car horn.
    Haha!

    QK - somewhere I am sure I have but cannot find - the Pennsylvania contribution!! Do you have it?

    Anyways - great chuckles thx Bob.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  7. #7
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    Array Rock and Glock's Avatar
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    Retiring to Texas:

    May 30th: Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

    June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

    June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.

    July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

    July 20th: I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and @#$@. No more pets in this heat!

    July 25th: Dry #@*&$!% heat, my a$$. Hot is hot!! The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

    July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500/month in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

    Aug 4th: 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman p_ssed in my pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.

    Aug 8th: If another wise a$$ cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!

    Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and sunny. The weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

    Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

    Aug 30th: Worst day of the #@*&$!% summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*$!% rain finally came and all it did is to make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield.

    That does it, we're moving to Pennsylvania.


    The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins. ― The Journals of Kierkegaard

  8. #8
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    Hahaha - well, we may get snow in winter and pretty humid in summer but - it has its good sides!
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Array tanksoldier's Avatar
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    Colorado has it, hands down. This place rocks, esp from the point of view or a born & raise Northern Californian... Everything NorCal could be if it was it's own state.

    From Grunt.com:

    Jeff Foxworthy on Colorado

    If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Colorado.

    If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because it's the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Colorado.


    If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year,you might live in Colorado

    If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Colorado

    If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Colorado

    If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Colorado

    If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Colorado.

    YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Coloradoan WHEN:

    1. "Vacation" means going east or west on I-70 for the weekend.

    2. You measure distance in hours.

    3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

    4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

    5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

    6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

    7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

    8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

    9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

    10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

    11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

    12. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

    13. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

    14. Down South to you means Oklahoma.

    15. A brat is something you eat.

    16. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

    17. You go out to a tail gate party every Friday. .

    18. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

    19. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

    20. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Colorado friends.
    "I am a Soldier. I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight." GEN George S. Patton, Jr.

  10. #10
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    Haha - found mine now!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    You know you are from Pennsylvania if -



    You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New
    Jersey has always been "Jersey."

    You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay). How many other
    states do that?
    You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means
    if he sees his shadow.
    The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school
    holidays.
    You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an
    eye.
    You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least
    1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."
    At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most
    of their windows all year long.
    You know what a "Hex sign" is.
    You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it
    incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.
    You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup."
    Words like "hoagie," "crick," "chipped ham," "sticky buns," "shoo-fly
    pie," "pirogues" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.
    You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the
    same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric.")
    You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several
    colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.
    You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer
    Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.
    You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and
    enjoy it.
    You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich
    and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside
    PA.
    You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning
    of funnel cake season.
    Customers ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
    You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver,
    Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.
    You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.
    You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio, or other
    neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.
    A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the
    highway in Lancaster County.
    You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
    You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how
    to use them.
    You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in
    your trunk, even if you live in the South.
    Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with
    snow.
    As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you
    were.
    Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian
    names.
    "You guys" and "yuz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of
    men & women.
    You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Did you eat yet?)
    You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala
    Cynwyd, Conshohocken, & Monongahela.
    You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at
    least highlights of the parade.
    You actually understand these jokes and send them on to other
    Pennsylvanians. Plus friends who you want to know why you think the way
    you do.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  11. #11
    Member Array Fjolnirsson's Avatar
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    You might live in Oregon if:

    Your children learned to walk in Birkenstocks.
    You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty.
    You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid.
    You only honk your horn if collision is imminent and never for anything else.
    You consider something a "hill" (not a mountain) if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of its altitude.
    You consider "etiquette" a foreign word. Most of your friends are from California.
    You find a wallet with $500 and give it back to the owner. You used to live somewhere else but won't admit it publicly.
    You've ever ordered a half caff/decaf, nonfat mocha grande with sugar-free cranberry whip (or you know what it is).
    You know a bride & groom that registered at REI.
    If someone ran your car off the highway, you might drown.
    Every day is casual Friday.
    Hear the word "ferry" and think of boats and long waits. Know at least eight people who work for Intel or Nike, or used to work for Tektronix.
    You think skiing always means being covered from head to toe, in snow or water.
    Know that Boring is a town and not just a state of mind. Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
    You return from a California vacation depressed because "all the grass was dead."
    Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter weather event in the last five years.
    Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner’s policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides.
    You never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.
    You believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.
    You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbreweries/brewpubs printed on them.
    You think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there, once.
    You replace your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals when the weather gets above 60 degrees.
    You believe people who use umbrellas are wimps or Californians, or both.
    You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Oregon.
    "Water can flow, or it can crash. Be like water, my friend."-Bruce Lee

    My Blog

    "Luck, often enough, will save a man if his courage does hold."

  12. #12
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    Pa

    That was great Chris. Brought back some memories.

    Used to live within easy walking distance to Slippery Rock "crick", in a little town called Rose Point (Population 50, counting chickens, cows, and dogs!) Family has been there since the early 1800's.
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  13. #13
    VIP Member Array ExSoldier's Avatar
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    WAS considering a retirement to Texas. Couple of summer vacations out to San Antone cured us of that! Now seriously considering Asheville, NC or the area surrounding. Sheeeeeesh. This is something we're really researching! My wife is but 5 years away from full retirement. I've got exactly (to the day) 16 months until my 50th birthday. ~sigh~
    Former Army Infantry Captain; 25 yrs as an NRA Certified Instructor; Avid practitioner of the martial art: KLIK-PAO.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExSoldier762
    WAS considering a retirement to Texas. Couple of summer vacations out to San Antone cured us of that! Now seriously considering Asheville, NC or the area surrounding.
    I have a daughter living in NC, and the only strange thing I've seen so far is she got a speeding ticket.

    The ticket is $25, however, there are $110 (I think that is the amount she mentioned) in court costs...... Whether you want to go to court or not!
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by P95Carry
    Haha - found mine now!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    You know you are from Pennsylvania if -

    You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

    You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala
    Cynwyd, Conshohocken, & Monongahela.
    P95: How do you pronounce "Punxsutawney"? LOL!! makes me think of Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day"


    The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins. ― The Journals of Kierkegaard

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