Tool Types

This is a discussion on Tool Types within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I saw this over on another forum and thought i would share For anybody who has ever used a tool, you can relate. DRILL PRESS: ...

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Thread: Tool Types

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array Redneck Repairs's Avatar
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    Tool Types

    I saw this over on another forum and thought i would share

    For anybody who has ever used a tool, you can relate.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
    painted airplane part you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
    and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
    "Ouch...."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
    motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
    dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
    they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
    your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
    the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
    socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
    firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
    off a hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
    floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
    spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dogshit off your boot.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
    drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably
    has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
    handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
    drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
    which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
    it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
    rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
    few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
    name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
    paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
    used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
    power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
    travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
    bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly
    rounds off their heads.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
    far from the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
    on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
    collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

    ****** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
    while yelling "******" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
    tool that you will need.

    EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
    eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
    foresight

    posted with thanks and kudos to BrainOnSigs over there LOL

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  3. #2
    Assistant Administrator
    Array P95Carry's Avatar
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    A very nice satire on the tool world.

    Many tools do as some folks realize, have soul. The problem is too often that soul is belonging to one of Lucifer's minions - who happens to go by the name of Murphy!
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  4. #3
    VIP Member Array KenpoTex's Avatar
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    Ha Ha, very good...that's about the truth.

    You forgot one though:

    The Replacement _____ (insert tool name here): The one you go buy after looking for yours for an hour. It is a guarentee that 5 minutes after buying a new one, you'll find yours. Usually right after you just used the new one (meaning you can't return it).
    "Being a predator isn't always comfortable but the only other option is to be prey. That is not an acceptable option." ~Phil Messina

    If you carry in Condition 3, you have two empty chambers. One in the weapon...the other between your ears.

    Matt K.

  5. #4
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    Matt - that same law applies to gun springs too, and other small parts!!
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  6. #5
    VIP Member Array Euclidean's Avatar
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    Euclidean's Laws of Repair Projects

    #1. You will have every tool except the one you need.

    #2. You will make at least two trips to the hardware store.

    #3. The store will be closed when you get there at least once.

    #4. If any plumbing is involved, increase the minimum number of trips to six.

    #5. The paint is never the color you thought it was going to be when it dries.

    #6. When building a wooden fence in West Texas, use screws.

  7. #6
    Lead Moderator
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    Redneck, That's great, and going to a couple "tool challenged" folks I know! Thanks.
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  8. #7
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    I was practically born and raised in the hardware business. Those are great.
    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

  9. #8
    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    yep that is a proper essay on tools

  10. #9
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    Too true.

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