Tool Types

[Redneck Repairs]

I saw this over on another forum and thought i would share

For anybody who has ever used a tool, you can relate.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
painted airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls
and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dogshit off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,
it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first
few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly
rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not
far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

****** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "******" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next
tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
foresight

posted with thanks and kudos to BrainOnSigs over there LOL

[DefensiveCarry.com]

[P95Carry]

A very nice satire on the tool world.

Many tools do as some folks realize, have soul. The problem is too often that soul is belonging to one of Lucifer's minions - who happens to go by the name of Murphy!

[KenpoTex]

Ha Ha, very good...that's about the truth.

You forgot one though:

The Replacement _____ (insert tool name here): The one you go buy after looking for yours for an hour. It is a guarentee that 5 minutes after buying a new one, you'll find yours. Usually right after you just used the new one (meaning you can't return it).

[P95Carry]

Matt - that same law applies to gun springs too, and other small parts!!

[Euclidean]

#1. You will have every tool except the one you need.

#2. You will make at least two trips to the hardware store.

#3. The store will be closed when you get there at least once.

#4. If any plumbing is involved, increase the minimum number of trips to six.

#5. The paint is never the color you thought it was going to be when it dries.

#6. When building a wooden fence in West Texas, use screws.

[rstickle]

Redneck, That's great, and going to a couple "tool challenged" folks I know! Thanks.

[Betty]

I was practically born and raised in the hardware business. Those are great.

[Bud White]

yep that is a proper essay on tools

[rocky]

Too true.