Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller(long)

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Thread: Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller(long)

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    Member Array yzcrasher's Avatar
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    Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller(long)

    Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveller

    December 8, 6:00 PM

    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
    the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
    the win dow watching the huge soft flakes drift down
    from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
    romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!



    December 9


    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
    covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
    sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
    the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
    ever had!
    Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a
    boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
    This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered
    up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
    to shovel again. What a perfect life!



    December 12


    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
    disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry-
    we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
    Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
    snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
    snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
    a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.



    December 14


    Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
    temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
    sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
    up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
    the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and
    buried everything again. I didn't
    realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling,
    but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
    I wouldn't huff and puff so.



    December 15


    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
    Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
    extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
    a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
    that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.



    December 16


    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
    the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
    wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
    cruel.



    December 17


    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
    anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
    pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
    stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
    should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
    her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
    I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



    December 20


    Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
    the damn stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all
    day. The damn snowplough came by twice.
    Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said
    they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
    lying.
    Called the only hardware store around to see about
    buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
    another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
    says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
    and bill me. I think he's lying.



    December 22


    Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
    inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold,
    it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
    to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
    had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
    dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
    hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
    the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
    ******* is lying.



    December 23


    Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
    The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
    this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
    Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
    says she did but I think she's lying.



    December 24


    6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke
    the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
    ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow
    plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
    beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
    hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
    shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100
    miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
    been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
    carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
    busy watching for the damn snowplough.



    December 25


    Merry freaking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
    slop tonight - Snowed in
    The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
    the snow!
    Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
    and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
    says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking
    idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one
    more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



    December 26


    Still snowed in.. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
    was all HER idea.
    She's really getting on my nerves.



    December 27


    Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
    plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
    only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



    December 28


    Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The ***** is
    driving me crazy!!!



    Dec ember 29


    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
    it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
    heard. How dumb does he think I am?



    December 30


    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
    he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
    beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
    broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
    her mother.
    Nine more inches predicted.



    December 31


    I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
    shoveling.



    January 8


    Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
    they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
    ((Place funny, whitty comment here))

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    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    So, what's the problem?

    I am glad I live near the coast. Have only seen single-digit temps a couple times in the past 10yrs. Snow is fine, but when it rises so high it threatens to reach the ear muffs ... then that's simply too much. (Like the photo posted the other day from Norway (?), showing the ~20ft snow pack and two-way path carved through it.)
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).
    NRA, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.

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    VIP Member Array rottkeeper's Avatar
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    Seen this before but it cracks me up every time.
    For as the lightning comes from the east and flashes to the west, so also will the coming of the son of man be. Mathew 24:27

    NRA Member

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    VIP Member Array dukalmighty's Avatar
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    I'm glad I live so far south the only thing I ever might shovel is dirt
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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    Member Array yesicarry's Avatar
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    Sounds like my last 2 yrs. in Deer Park Wa.. Ahhh...In Tacoma area now. Dont have to shovel rain..And not going to hell either. We are too wet to burn..
    It takes over 40 muscles to frown. But yet less than 10 to smack the hell outta who makes you frown. Work smarter, not harder......

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    Member Array yzcrasher's Avatar
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    When I moved to Idaho in the late 80's this was me to a T... COOL snow....untill reality set in...everytime I read this makes me laugh...
    My favorite part...so true..
    6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke
    the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
    ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow
    plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
    beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
    hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
    shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100
    miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
    been!
    ((Place funny, whitty comment here))

  8. #7
    Member Array Dany's Avatar
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    I grew up in Caldwell, Idaho and I thought I had seen snow and been in cold weather.

    Then I came to Jamestown, North Dakota.... I had no idea what snow and cold was. I feel for this guy!
    ‘‘To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of people always possess arms, and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them...’’

    — Richard Henry Lee, 1787

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    Member Array chepo06's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dukalmighty View Post
    I'm glad I live so far south the only thing I ever might shovel is dirt
    +1 on that. PPSSTTT please if it just starts to drizzle here in houston people start running into each other. imagine snow!!

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    VIP Member Array Sheldon J's Avatar
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    He would never survive a winter in Michigan....
    "The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century

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    Distinguished Member Array nutz4utwo's Avatar
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    haha... that sounds exactly like the 72 inches of snow we had here in Spokane. sigh, all melted now

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    VIP Member Array miklcolt45's Avatar
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    What's snow?

    I am nursing a bit of a sunburn after being out all day yesterday in shorts and t-shirt.

    Today, went to friends for a fish fry. Sat outside under the oaks dripping with Spanish moss, drinking sweet tea, eating fried dolphin (the fish, not Flipper) and shoveling fritters down my piehole, while a gentle breeze cooled yesterday's sunburn.

    And then there was the key lime pie (it's NOT green unless you are a Yankee and they duped you!).

    He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliott

    The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
    Albert Einstein

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