Daddy's Rules for Dating

Daddy's Rules for Dating

This is a discussion on Daddy's Rules for Dating within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; For all of you fathers with daughters out there: Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, ...

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Thread: Daddy's Rules for Dating

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array Plop's Avatar
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    Daddy's Rules for Dating

    For all of you fathers with daughters out there:


    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
    package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
    so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
    cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
    their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
    Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
    complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
    so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
    underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
    However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
    during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
    staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
    'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
    comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
    should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
    not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
    when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
    only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
    other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
    Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
    date no one but her until she is finished with you.. If you make her cry, I
    will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
    more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
    on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
    on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden
    Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
    useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
    Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
    Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
    or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce
    my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
    overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
    Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
    which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
    Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
    dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
    all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
    going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
    whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
    five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
    of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
    Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
    frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
    home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
    both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
    clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
    then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
    The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

    Also, here's the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
    ________________________________________
    APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

    NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
    accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
    and current medical report from your doctor.

    NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

    HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

    SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
    DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

    BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

    HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

    Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
    Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
    If No, explain:
    __________________________________________________ ____________

    Number of years they have been married ______________________________

    If less than your age, explain
    __________________________________________________ ____________

    __________________________________________________ ____________


    ACCESSORIES SECTION:

    A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

    B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

    C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

    D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

    E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

    F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
    pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

    (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
    LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

    ESSAY SECTION:

    In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    __________________________________________________ ____________


    REFERENCES SECTION:

    Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

    How often you attend ________________________________________________

    When would be the best time to interview your:

    father? _____________

    mother? _____________

    pastor? _____________


    SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

    Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
    are confidential.

    A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    C: A woman's place is in the:

    __________________________________________________ ____________


    D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? __________________________

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________



    I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST
    OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN
    ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT
    POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

    __________________________________________________ _______
    Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


    _______________________________ ________________________________
    Mother's Signature Father's Signature

    _______________________________ ________________________________
    Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

    Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
    non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

    You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
    not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
    cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
    notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
    (you might watch your back)




    -Plop
    "In America, freedom and justice have always come from the ballot box, the jury box, and when that fails, the cartridge box."
    -- Steve Symms, US Senator from Idaho, 1990


  2. #2
    VIP Member Array AZ Husker's Avatar
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    I've made copies for future use!
    Treat me good, I'll treat you better. Treat me bad, I'll treat you worse.

  3. #3
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    ...but funny.

    Especially good for fathers of new daughters.
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

    ***********************************
    Certified Glock Armorer
    NRA Life Member[/B]

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array Plop's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by retsupt99 View Post
    ...but funny.

    Especially good for fathers of new daughters.
    Whoops . Did a search, but it didn't come up with anything. I must be search-deficient.
    "In America, freedom and justice have always come from the ballot box, the jury box, and when that fails, the cartridge box."
    -- Steve Symms, US Senator from Idaho, 1990

  5. #5
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    It is funny. I remember the young fellows showing up here, actually before I had ever read that "joke". Something along the lines of that joke instinctively kick in to Dad's.

    I used the scrutinizing, hard questions, high standards, intimidation at its best. Year's later my now married daughter mentioned that her dates were pretty nervous about not crossing me. Ultimately I was protecting her, and it worked.
    Turn the election's in 2014 to a "2A Revolution". It will serve as a 1994 refresher not to "infringe" on our Second Amendment. We know who they are now.........SEND 'EM HOME. Our success in this will be proportional to how hard we work to make it happen.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Array Chevyguy85's Avatar
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    haha. too bad #8 becomes moot living in florida its hot everywhere :(

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array Patti's Avatar
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    I'm a single mom, but I've used the "I've got a shotgun and shovel" line more than once.

    I've always worried more about my daughter than I worry about my son.

    I tell my daughter's boyfriends: Treat my daughter right and we'll get along just fine.

    I tell my son: Is this the type of girl you would want to marry some day?.....think long and hard about that.

    Unfortunately, my son prefers girls with long legs, big boobs and blonde hair. His judgement is a little clouded.
    Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy. Winston Churchill

  8. #8
    Member Array budokaitd's Avatar
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    Thanks, this is a good one. When asked "When can I go on a date?" My response is " As soon as you can find one that can kick my ass!!!"
    Join the NRA and Gun Owners of America.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Patti View Post
    I'm a single mom, but I've used the "I've got a shotgun and shovel" line more than once.

    I've always worried more about my daughter than I worry about my son.

    I tell my daughter's boyfriends: Treat my daughter right and we'll get along just fine.

    I tell my son: Is this the type of girl you would want to marry some day?.....think long and hard about that.

    Unfortunately, my son prefers girls with long legs, big boobs and blonde hair. His judgement is a little clouded.
    Don't worry, he'll probably end up with someone who is 5', flat chested and brunette. That is after he figures out the long legs are really an illusion caused by the 5" heel, the big boobs are silicone and the blone hair is out of a bottle!!

  10. #10
    Member Array mikeprekopa's Avatar
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    i like rule number 7. if a father asked me to change the oil while waiting for his daughter, i would. but maybe i like cars too much.
    NREMT-B

    "Dead is dead"
    "Yea, till we show up with jumper cables and drugs to debate it"

  11. #11
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    Well done

    Awesome rules, wish i had that when the girls were younger

  12. #12
    Senior Member Array Katana's Avatar
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    Talking

    I've seen the rules before, but never the application. I'm still trying to wipe the tears from my eyes now...
    "Stand your ground, don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here!" - John Parker April 19th, 1775 Lexington, MA

    Μολών λαβέ!

  13. #13
    VIP Member Array SIGguy229's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Patti View Post
    I'm a single mom, but I've used the "I've got a shotgun and shovel" line more than once.

    I've always worried more about my daughter than I worry about my son.

    I tell my daughter's boyfriends: Treat my daughter right and we'll get along just fine.

    I tell my son: Is this the type of girl you would want to marry some day?.....think long and hard about that.

    Unfortunately, my son prefers girls with long legs, big boobs and blonde hair. His judgement is a little clouded.
    ....um.....so.....I'm failing to see a problem, Patti.....
    Magazine <> clip - know the difference

    martyr is a fancy name for crappy fighter
    You have never lived until you have almost died. For those that have fought for it, life has a special flavor the protected will never know

  14. #14
    VIP Member Array Patti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SIGguy229 View Post
    ....um.....so.....I'm failing to see a problem, Patti.....
    Ha. Ha.

    That boy is going to be the death of me.

    When he was little, I told him that girls are the devil.

    I don't think he cares.
    Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy. Winston Churchill

  15. #15
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    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

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