I've made copies for future use!
This is a discussion on Daddy's Rules for Dating within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; For all of you fathers with daughters out there: Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, ...
For all of you fathers with daughters out there:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric
staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we
should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you.. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting
on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden
Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,
or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce
my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and
five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound
of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter
home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with
both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early,
then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Also, here's the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND
LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
Church you attend __________________________________________________ _
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman's place is in the:
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? __________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST
OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN
ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT
POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)
"In America, freedom and justice have always come from the ballot box, the jury box, and when that fails, the cartridge box."
-- Steve Symms, US Senator from Idaho, 1990
I've made copies for future use!
Treat me good, I'll treat you better. Treat me bad, I'll treat you worse.
Especially good for fathers of new daughters.
Proverbs 27:12 says: “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”
Certified Glock Armorer
NRA Life Member
It is funny. I remember the young fellows showing up here, actually before I had ever read that "joke". Something along the lines of that joke instinctively kick in to Dad's.
I used the scrutinizing, hard questions, high standards, intimidation at its best. Year's later my now married daughter mentioned that her dates were pretty nervous about not crossing me. Ultimately I was protecting her, and it worked.
Helpful hints on pushing back and strengthening the 2A:
haha. too bad #8 becomes moot living in florida its hot everywhere :(
I'm a single mom, but I've used the "I've got a shotgun and shovel" line more than once.
I've always worried more about my daughter than I worry about my son.
I tell my daughter's boyfriends: Treat my daughter right and we'll get along just fine.
I tell my son: Is this the type of girl you would want to marry some day?.....think long and hard about that.
Unfortunately, my son prefers girls with long legs, big boobs and blonde hair. His judgement is a little clouded.
"I'm not fluent in the language of violence, but I know enough to get around in places where it's spoken."
Thanks, this is a good one. When asked "When can I go on a date?" My response is " As soon as you can find one that can kick my ass!!!"
Join the NRA and Gun Owners of America.
i like rule number 7. if a father asked me to change the oil while waiting for his daughter, i would. but maybe i like cars too much.
"Dead is dead"
"Yea, till we show up with jumper cables and drugs to debate it"
Awesome rules, wish i had that when the girls were younger
I've seen the rules before, but never the application. I'm still trying to wipe the tears from my eyes now...
"Stand your ground, don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here!" - John Parker April 19th, 1775 Lexington, MA
Magazine <> clip - know the difference
martyr is a fancy name for crappy fighter
You have never lived until you have almost died. For those that have fought for it, life has a special flavor the protected will never know
You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.