Humor from "Tactical Tom"

Humor from "Tactical Tom"

This is a discussion on Humor from "Tactical Tom" within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Sadly this reminds me of some one I know TACTICAL TOM As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican-style ...

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Thread: Humor from "Tactical Tom"

  1. #1
    New Member Array Chuck K.'s Avatar
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    Jan 2006

    Humor from "Tactical Tom"

    Sadly this reminds me of some one I know


    As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun"
    Mexican-style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with
    the IPSC add-on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom
    made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and
    holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to
    be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire

    I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while
    wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands." That
    way, nobody can see what I'm packing. I had my Centennial .38 Special
    my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry. Lastly I had my
    "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons
    Badge". I was ready for anything.

    I drove my "bug-out truck" to the 7-11 for some beer, 'cause you never
    know. It is a performance-styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of
    pounding fury.

    I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a suspicious looking girl scout
    eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover.

    The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse,
    I knew from my years of combat-honed instincts that she was actually
    making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

    I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of
    flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it
    look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good,
    because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

    Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and
    the bullet creased my kneecaps. But I was prepared for that and bit
    on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage
    barrel. That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something to her
    mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I
    drew my trusty custom 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew! that they would be
    impressed with that. I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my
    gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my [beeep], which caused me to
    swallow my 9mm casing.

    I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster,
    so I just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on my right
    side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them
    down as I recovered my wind.

    Before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my
    groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of
    her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, and I had the advantage now.
    As she ran screaming for the girl scout (I knew she was going for
    backup) I made for my super-charged BRAT tactical truck! I jumped into
    the driver seat, forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR
    15 Bayonet on the seat (honed to a razors edge). I could handle it
    though, half my butt is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to
    start my truck, police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck
    would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to
    me. At this point, I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My
    custom 1911 then fell out the window, but I still had my Centennial
    I knew then that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

    So I aimed my revolver at her, at which point the first police officer
    fired once striking me in the chest. Fortunately, I was wearing my
    3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been
    duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime
    and crying to the police in the background - I knew it was a ruse.

    I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the
    officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys!!!" He
    to cover me, and ordered me to drop my .38 so I laid it down. After
    I still had my bayonet attached to my butt. The cop walked toward me,
    and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately, my
    Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip
    free of the Taser cords easily. It only cost me one nipple...easily
    replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run
    zag for a ditch. Unfortunately, the bayonet sticking out of my butt
    slowed me down. I knew it would have to be hand-to-hand now. I knew the
    cop couldn't take me when I saw he merely carried a Glock 17, not a
    man's gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed
    by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing! on the ground, I
    took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle. I
    knew from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once I broke his
    ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head,
    knocking him out but not hurting him.

    Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan, because he side stepped
    me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate
    absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased
    again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little

    Next thing those cops knew, I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.

  2. #2
    Member Array duckhunter's Avatar
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    Oct 2005
    Is Tactical Tom a new pen name for Alduro?
    "Speed is fine, but accuracy is final." - Bill Jordan

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array Redneck Repairs's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    i belive so duck lol

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  5. #4
    VIP Member
    Array Betty's Avatar
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    Dec 2004
    Hi Chuck K.,
    Sorry, but it's already been posted here.

    I'm going to close this duplicate.
    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

  6. #5
    VIP Member (Retired Staff) Array P95Carry's Avatar
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    Mar 2005
    South West PA
    Those tales were so popular, I'll bet they are all around the web!!
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!." - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

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