This is a discussion on O.T. Humor! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Pretty funny so I thought I would post it! The Holy Land A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they ...
Pretty funny so I thought I would post it!
The Holy Land
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they
were there, the Wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home,
when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that
Train and train hard, you might not get a second chance to make a first impression!
I vote for Monica Lewinsky's Ex-Boyfriend's Wife for President.....Not!
"I surrounded 'em"- Alvin York
"They're ain't many troubles that a man can't fix with seven hundred dollars and a thirty ought six"- Jeff Cooper
Is that called expensive insurance? LOL! Let's add another one or two -
Then too -A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress."No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "Okay, so I assume the ostrich has something to do
with your second wish. What was it?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big a$$ and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Here's to prove that some women are clever.
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money,and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well,
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket,
the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check.
If he can cash it, he can spend it."
NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.
"To own a gun and assume that you are armed
is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."
http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.
Great way to start off a Saturday morning! Thanks all!
"Let not your heart be troubled." John 14:1
USN Retired Vietnam/Desert Shield/Desert Storm
Good start to the day! Still smiling!
"He went on two legs, wore clothes and was a human being, but nevertheless he was in reality a wolf of the Steppes. He had learned a good deal . . . and was a fairly clever fellow. What he had not learned, however, was this: to find contentment in himself and his own life. The cause of this apparently was that at the bottom of his heart he knew all the time (or thought he knew) that he was in reality not a man, but a wolf of the Steppes."
Top Ten Chuck Norris Facts
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is
compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with
ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World
Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris,
and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else
has ever gotten.
"Speed is fine, but accuracy is final." - Bill Jordan
Thanksfor the laughs, makes for a good day!