A True Texas Tale: "Bad Guy" "One", "Old Man" "Zero"

A True Texas Tale: "Bad Guy" "One", "Old Man" "Zero"

This is a discussion on A True Texas Tale: "Bad Guy" "One", "Old Man" "Zero" within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Springtime in Texas In the springtime, a young boys’ fancy turns to girls. In Texas, a young skunk’s fancy turns to girls too…. Here’s the ...

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Thread: A True Texas Tale: "Bad Guy" "One", "Old Man" "Zero"

  1. #1
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    Smile A True Texas Tale: "Bad Guy" "One", "Old Man" "Zero"

    Springtime in Texas

    In the springtime, a young boys’ fancy turns to girls. In Texas, a young skunk’s fancy turns to girls too….

    Here’s the “Rest of the Story”, as Paul Harvey might say.

    My wife was out of town for a few days, and I’d enjoyed a marvelous dinner with our only neighbors’. I’d enjoyed the food and company tremendously. I retired home, settled in with a last glass of wine to enjoy a final cigarette on the deck, enjoying the evening and contemplating the fine dinner and friends I had enjoyed earlier. Life was good. The evening was perfect. The solitude and peace were unmatched.

    Three content dogs were settled in for the evening.........The Doberman “Liebschen” was guarding the yard from a central location, watching for unseen threats. The German Shepard was, of course, playing “ball” in the dark. The 30 pound geriatric mutt “Daboo” wandered out into the yard, exploring, checking the “perimeter” as old “guard dogs” do. Daboo suddenly “alarmed”, and being wise, with years of tactical experience, swung around his prey, and attacked from the rear. Wrong answer. He’d found...................a skunk.

    Well, to make a very long and frantic story shorter, the skunk won. Skunk "1", Daboo "0". Daboo screamed and hysterically rolled in the grass trying to clear the stench from his coat. Liebschen, being stronger and “wiser”, immediately engaged in the battle. She chased the skunk through the two electric fences and into our neighbors yard. She got lost in the forest, but avoided a confrontation with our buddy, who’d had a FTF, and decided retreat was better than meeting a Doberman “up close and personal”. The German Shepard “Boschee”, an immature three, stayed in the yard, watching everything unfold, running in circles and howling as only German Shepard’s do. She avoided Daboo like the plague, and joyfully greeted Liebschen as she ran back through both fences. You could see it in Boschee's eyes "This is fun!" “Let’s do it again!”

    So, yes. I strip to my skivvies. Daboo: At least 10 shampoos. V8 juice. Mexican vanilla. Commercial "Scent Eliminator". Towels. More towels. Open windows. Yee gads! Two loads of laundry. Bathroom a disaster. Nuke it. Call in an air strike. I take two showers. No hot water. DAMN! Shower anyway. Brrrrrrrr........Let water heater recover. Shut bathroom door. Light Lamp Berge's. Light them all. Open more windows. SHEESH!!!!!!!!! Will it ever go away? Sigh.........

    Let’s try it again…Last glass of wine, last cigarette on deck. Skunk stench…where’d it go? What the heck? What? Ohhhh….the nose, the nose…..the nose is DEAD! MIA! Oh man…that’s bad news….Oh well…I’m FINE! The world is at peace.............but jeez......that bathroom is gonna need some major work in the AM...........

    Dreams, more dreams…bad guys attacking…wake up…..SHEESH! The stench! Nose is back!

    Call wife. Explain. Hysterical laughter. “Offer up” extended stay away. Wife accepts in decisive manner, with alarming speed. So much for “back up”. Sigh…..

    The air strike on the bathroom is at noon today. The Haz Mat folks will be here afterwards for final clean up. That stuff is toxic. I think the oils actually ate into the hard plastic part of Daboo's shock collar and are permanently embedded. I'm trying the dishwasher on "Pot & Pan" cycle for that and the collars. I'll probably have to buy a new dishwasher then. The bathroom will be rebuilt after the strike – hopefully before wife gets home. The porcelain floor is still smoldering from the oils.....

    Finally got a HOT shower this AM. Daboo looks like a 80 pound fluff ball because I forgot to use conditioner.

    11:59:

    Zulu Victor Bravo One-Niner: This is Alpha One Bravo. Locked on target. Fire at will.................

    Ahhhhhhhh DAMN! That stench is even on my keyboard!

    12:00:

    Alpha One Bravo: This is Zulu Victor Bravo One-Niner: Mission accomplished. Target site now habitable in 18 million-half lives.

    Daboo napping peacefully. Slept through the air-strike.

    Keyboard still reeks! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggg!

    After Action Report:

    Dishwasher works on dog collars (twice on "Pot & Pan" cycle). Next time dog goes in dishwasher on "Pot & Pan" too.

    Always scan yard with two-million candle power spot before releasing dogs to roam (consider MilSup arc light, deck mounted?)

    Claymores on perimeter?

    More wine needed in cellar


    The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins. ― The Journals of Kierkegaard


  2. #2
    XD9
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    Great story. I remember as a kid my brothers caught one in a garbage can. They managed to kill it without getting hit but the stench was unbelievable. They loaded it into our tractor with a front end loader and drove it into the hills and dropped it down a deep ravine.

    Wild animals sure add interest to life.
    There are 2 sounds in the world that strike more fear than any others. A click when you should hear a bang and a bang when you should hear a click.

  3. #3
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    Great story!

    Coupla years back - I just ''knew'' Pepe La Pu had taken up residence under my old shed - familiar waft each time I went in there. Wondered on a strategy - one that did not involve risk to olfactory nerve endings.

    Opted to get a new trap and set it up - but that was delayed tho due to very unhelpful weather.

    The Gods were kind however - as a day later both wife and I notice up the road a quarter mile, on the edge of the big cornfield out back - a black and white corpse - almost certainly a road kill.

    Could it be? - yes it could. Over a few days the odor decreased - and the need to enjoin battle was negated. Much relief.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

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    When I was a kid, our Golden Retriever "Taffy" had a similar encounter of the stinky kind. Unfortunately, the shock of the skunk attack was enough to send her into labor. We washed her off as best we could while she simultaneously delivered 10 beautiful little puppies.

    Of course, the first thing a pup wants to do is eat, but old Taffy just wanted to stand in the lake to get the awful smell off. My dad ended up washing her while she stood in the lake, and eventually the puppies got their first meal.

    Another memorable adventure living in the country...

    My mom (a softie) lets our barn cat in the house occasionally to eat, and we put her out at night before bed (the cat, not Mom). Always pisses my Dad off, because a cat that's full of food doesn't have much ambition to go eat mice. Anyway...

    One pitch-black summer night I held the front door open for the cat to exit, but she refused to walk out. Strange, because usually she's ready to get out of the house at this point. I finally picked her up, tossed her outside, and got ready to shut the door. The cat, however, locked up, tail extended, fur bristleing, and growling at the corner of the porch. I flipped the light and found a 6' timber rattler coiled up in the corner. He immediately started buzzing, and he and the cat were engaged in a standoff.

    I shut the door, grabbed my shotgun from the corner, and started thumbing shells into the tube. My Dad heard this and ran out in his pajamas to see what was going on. He held the door open, I aimed at the snake, and hesitated...

    "Dad, is Mom going to be mad if I shoot the porch?"

    "To hell with the porch, shoot the snake!!!"

    I aimed again, making sure I wouldn't hit the cat, who was still locked like a statue 5, feet from the snake. As soon as I pulled the trigger, the cat levitated 6 feet in the air, pulled a 180, and took off like a missle for the barn, yowling like a banshee the whole way. We skinned the snake the following morning, but it turns out there is a reason you don't shoot snakes with a shottie if you want to keep the skin for a belt.

    Well, we didn't see the cat again for about a week, and she wouldn't come in the house for over 6 months. She finally went to the big snake-free barn in the sky 10 years ago. Mom got over the buckshot in the front deck, which remains to this day (15 years later).
    "Speed is fine, but accuracy is final." - Bill Jordan

  5. #5
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    Luckily , the worst I have had any of my dogs get into was a baby porcupine. too a bit of doing, but I got the quills out with dad's help.
    "In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock." Thomas Jefferson


    Nemo Me Impune Lacesset

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by XD9
    I remember as a kid my brothers caught one in a garbage can.
    Did you put them up to that?


    Quote Originally Posted by P95Carry
    The Gods were kind however - as a day later both wife and I notice up the road a quarter mile, on the edge of the big cornfield out back - a black and white corpse - almost certainly a road kill.

    Could it be? - yes it could. Over a few days the odor decreased - and the need to enjoin battle was negated. Much relief.
    Lucky Lucky Lucky !


    The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins. ― The Journals of Kierkegaard

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by duckhunter
    "To hell with the porch, shoot the snake!!!"
    YA DARN RIGHT!


    The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins. ― The Journals of Kierkegaard

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by rocky
    Luckily , the worst I have had any of my dogs get into was a baby porcupine. too a bit of doing, but I got the quills out with dad's help.
    Poor pup!


    The tyrant dies and his rule is over, the martyr dies and his rule begins. ― The Journals of Kierkegaard

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