Oil Change Instructions for Woman

Oil Change Instructions for Woman

This is a discussion on Oil Change Instructions for Woman within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Oil Change instructions for Women: > > > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. ...

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  1. #1
    VIP Member Array Patti's Avatar
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    Oil Change Instructions for Woman

    Oil Change instructions for Women:
    >
    >

    > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
    >
    >
    > 2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    >
    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
    >
    >
    > Money spent:
    > Oil Change:

    > $20.00
    > Coffee: $1.00
    > Total: $21.00
    > ==========
    >

    > Oil Change instructions for Men :
    >
    >
    > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

    >
    >
    >
    2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

    >
    >
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    >
    >
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    >
    >
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    >
    >
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    >
    >
    7) Place drain pan under engine..
    >
    >
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    >
    >
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    >
    >
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    >
    >
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
    Cuss.
    >
    >
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    >
    >
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    >
    >
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    >
    >
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    >
    >
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    >
    >
    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    gasket surface.
    >
    >
    18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    >
    >
    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    >
    >
    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    >
    >
    21) Drink beer.
    >
    >
    22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    kitty litter on oil spill.
    >
    >
    23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
    >
    >
    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
    rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame..
    >
    >
    25) Begin cussing fit.
    >
    >
    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    >
    >
    27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    >
    >
    28) Beer.
    >
    >
    29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    >
    >
    30) Beer.
    >
    >
    31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    >
    >
    32) Beer.
    >
    >
    33) Lower car from jack stands.
    >
    >
    34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
    any missed steps.
    >
    >
    35) Beer.
    >
    >
    36) test drive car.
    >
    >
    37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    >
    >
    38) Car gets impounded.
    >
    >
    39) Call loving wife, make bail..
    >
    >
    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
    >
    >
    Money spent:
    Parts: $50..00
    DUI: $2500.00
    Impound fee: $75.00
    Bail: $1500.00
    Beer: $20.00
    Total: $4,145.00

    But you know the job was done right!
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  2. #2
    Distinguished Member Array P7fanatic's Avatar
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    Cool

    Very funny. I know you aren't speaking of me though. I can do it with only 4 beers.
    Oh, and I picked up the oil and filter on the way home from work today. I will be changing the oil tomorrow.
    Think I'll wait to test drive it Sunday though.


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  3. #3
    Senior Member Array tbrenke's Avatar
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    LOL, close but without the beer. My father forgot the drain plug once. I was helping at the time. 10 or 11 years old....
    "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution, which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." -1792, James Madison
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  4. #4
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    Yes that is about how it goes OK. But We know it is done right.

  5. #5
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    Obviously you haven't been to Jiffy Lube recently. Oil change for a 2 wheel drive car starts at $40.00, and it only goes up from there. But the story is still cute.

  6. #6
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    LOL sounds about right to me hehehe
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  7. #7
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    LMAO. sounds like a normal oil change for me. minus the DUI.

  8. #8
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    Now that funny.
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  9. #9
    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Patti View Post
    Oil Change instructions for Women:
    >
    >

    > 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
    Been gettin' in touch with my Fem side for years, apparently. I've been using quickie lube places for basic oil/fluids for a good long while. Factoring in my time, it's by far one of the better choices with the car.

    Of course, I do fail to partake in a drunken, Saturday rage due to kitty litter in the seat, beer stains in the carpet, broken nuts and oil everywhere. The things we must give up.
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  10. #10
    VIP Member Array farronwolf's Avatar
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    That was pretty funny.

    Not even close to accurate, but was pretty funny. It did leave out that after the woman got done at Jiffy Lube, after about 40 to 50 miles the engine seized up because they didn't put any oil or the drain plug back in, or cross threaded the pan bolt or filter.
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  11. #11
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    Finally, after all these years, I find out what I've been doing wrong.
    No beer.

    Good, Patti. Thanks.
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  12. #12
    BJC
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    While it doesn't apply - it was very funny. Copied, pasted, and sent!

  13. #13
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    I believe washing the car usually is good for four beers. Waxing it? Well, that could get ugly.

  14. #14
    Distinguished Member Array Squawker's Avatar
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    Gee, I never knew that I was a woman!

  15. #15
    Senior Member Array InspectorGadget's Avatar
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    Apparently Women do oil changes the hard way :), my new Jeep tells ME when to go to Juffy Lube. BTW: Freaked me out the first time it did it.
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