Middle aged dating/relationship advice needed

This is a discussion on Middle aged dating/relationship advice needed within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I hope this fits in this forum. I posted here because I am asking of my "community of friends" to offer some help and/or encouragement. ...

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Thread: Middle aged dating/relationship advice needed

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array Tally XD's Avatar
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    Question Middle aged dating/relationship advice needed

    I hope this fits in this forum. I posted here because I am asking of my "community of friends" to offer some help and/or encouragement.

    I would like to ask those who are willing to share some advice to please offer me their thoughts. Please reply honestly and be adult about it!

    I am a 46 year old man whose last "real" relationship was about five or six years ago. I have been married once and divorced back in 1991. I have had some short term relationships since but nothing substantial and nothing that, obviously, lasted very long. I fault myself for bad choices.

    I have recently "met" a woman closer to my age, she is 42, and we have been conversing for the past week. This has, so far, been totally blind, began with email conversations, then Instant Messaging and we have just graduated to telephone conversation for the past three nights. We plan to meet publicly this weekend on a first date.

    I have to admit that I have thoroughly enjoyed talking to her and she seems to be a very nice woman that I am completely comfortable with. We have a lot in common and agree on most things with just enough disagreement to make us human.

    What I would like some input on is physical attraction. What if we meet, still get along perfectly but one of us is just not physically attracted to the other? What if I just do not like the way she looks? She isn't fat, I already know this even though I haven't seen her, and she isn't a stick figure either. However, I have no idea of her physical features other than the usual; hair color, eyes, height, weight blah blah.

    At my age I am looking for long term and she says she is looking for the same, not marriage yet, but not one night stands either.

    What does one usually do, or what would one do in the case that physical attraction just isn't there?

    Do I be honest right then and there and tell her? Do I go through the date and tell her later? Do I just ignore the lack of physical attraction and go on pure personality and feeling or should I let it simmer and see how things might look a few weeks later?

    This date will happen this weekend on Saturday. Since being out of the dating scene for a very long time I am really concerned with this event. I won't freeze up and I am not afraid or chicken. I just am a little unsure about how to handle this issue of attraction and I want to remain honest through it all. I have been totally honest so far and we have made agreement with each other to be totally honest regardless.

    Please give me some guidance or your experiences.

    Thanks!!

    (for those that frequent other sites that I am a member of you will see this post there as well. I want a lot of replies!)
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  3. #2
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    Array RETSUPT99's Avatar
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    I can't imagine being in your situation, I've been married to the same bride for 38 years.

    Many of my/our friends, however, have been in your situation...I can only advise...be yourself, go slow, and don't judge a book by its cover.

    Let nature takes its course...as far as looks go...beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that's a two-way street.

    Good luck in your search.
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    Senior Member Array dnowell's Avatar
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    I'm a heck of a lot younger, but my vote goes for: play out the date and be friendly, but if it's not happening don't pretend it will. But - don't drop the bomb during the date -- do it by phone another time or even better find an excuse for why you're incompatible, that doesn't put it on her.

  5. #4
    Senior Member Array bps3040's Avatar
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    I agree with with dnowell. I went thru what your going thru 10 years ago, I am 48, Thank God the attraction was there. We have been together since and married for 8 years.
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    VIP Member Array Kerbouchard's Avatar
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    If the attraction is not there, what's wrong with continuing the friendship? It sounds like you enjoy the conversations and like her personality so I don't see what there is to be nervous about.

    Either way, you get to meet a friend, and the best relationships almost always start with friendship in the first place.

    Don't sweat the small stuff. If the relationship is meant to be, it will happen. If not, maybe she has a cute friend she will introduce you to.

    Have guns or concealed carry been brought up yet? Do you plan to?
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    Distinguished Member Array Siafu's Avatar
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    While she may make your intellectual juices flow, if she doesn't get your libidinous juices flowing you may want to rethink your situation. I'm not advocating a hit & run but you have to have physical attraction or the ship will sink as soon as it leaves the harbor. After all, conversation only gets a guy so far...

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    Senior Member Array Chevy-SS's Avatar
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    A complete relationship and "true love" are accompanied by some degree of physical intimacy, IMHO. If she doesn't ring your bell physically, then just continue to be friends.

    For the first "date", I would make it a lunch thing, or something where it was no more than a couple of hours. That way, you can do the whole "meet and greet" thing and then analyze it afterwards.

    Biggest advice I would have is - to just relax and enjoy the company of another human being. Put no pressures on her or you. Expect nothing. Enjoy the moment.

    Good luck!

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    VIP Member Array miklcolt45's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kerbouchard View Post
    If the attraction is not there, what's wrong with continuing the friendship? It sounds like you enjoy the conversations and like her personality so I don't see what there is to be nervous about.

    Either way, you get to meet a friend, and the best relationships almost always start with friendship in the first place.
    Kerbouchard summed it up nicely. My thoughts as well.
    The worst that can happen is you have a new good friend.
    The best...a love interest.

    Good luck!
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    Distinguished Member Array Tally XD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kerbouchard View Post
    If the attraction is not there, what's wrong with continuing the friendship? It sounds like you enjoy the conversations and like her personality so I don't see what there is to be nervous about.

    Either way, you get to meet a friend, and the best relationships almost always start with friendship in the first place.

    Don't sweat the small stuff. If the relationship is meant to be, it will happen. If not, maybe she has a cute friend she will introduce you to.

    Have guns or concealed carry been brought up yet? Do you plan to?
    Yes, she is pro gun and knows I will be carrying.

    Quote Originally Posted by Siafu View Post
    While she may make your intellectual juices flow, if she doesn't get your libidinous juices flowing you may want to rethink your situation. I'm not advocating a hit & run but you have to have physical attraction or the ship will sink as soon as it leaves the harbor. After all, conversation only gets a guy so far...
    This is my dilemma. Even though I know that looks doesnt necessarily mean "good lovin' "
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  11. #10
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    Array SIXTO's Avatar
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    Sometimes, attraction will grow with the friendship. IMO, thats the best kind of marriage one could hope for.


    Or you can do like me; marry a young hottie that happens to have been my best friend for years and years.
    "Just blame Sixto"

  12. #11
    Member Array Ranger's Avatar
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    I'm a pastor who has engaged in pre-marital counseling and marriage counseling for the last 14 years, and I have been involved with many couples whose relationship began online in one way or another, and thus far, every single one of those relationships has involved problems related to one or both parties not representing themselves completely/honestly.

    I believe that's a primary problem with internet relationships. It's just too easy to "polish the apple" to make the sale (in the absence of body language and other non-verbal communication, etc.). Later on, you learn things that you wish you'd known sooner.

    Of course, these things can happen in non-online relationships too, but I'm just sharing 14 years of professional experience and observation. Be careful with relationships that originate online. By the time you realize that all is not as you believed, you may be in an emotional equity trap and choose to overlook things that otherwise would have been deal breakers.

    All that being said, I wish you happiness and love and hope that whatever unfolds, it is what is best for both of you.
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  13. #12
    VIP Member Array farronwolf's Avatar
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    Just play it how it goes. No you should not tell here during the first meeting that her looks are what causes you not to want to continue the relationship. Like others have said, if it does not work out for either of you on the romantic side, you still may end up with a friend out of it.

    At your age, hey I am only a few years younger, you are running out of years to establish a good long term relationship. We have been together for 20 years now, and I will be the first to tell you, the guy/gal in the wedding pictures are burried somewhere in fantasy land currently. The image in the bathroom mirror no longer matches the 20 year old image that I have in my mind when I was still on the dating/club scene.

    Unless for some reason you just can't stand to look at the person, the physical appearance will be one of the least important aspects of that person as the relationship progresses.

    Good luck with the date, and hopefully she will turn out to be your dream girl and this will be a non issue.
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    Member Array Toml's Avatar
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    Don't forget that a date is supposed to be fun...for both of you. Show her a good time and she'll remember you fondly, even if the relationship doesn't go anywhere.

    Good luck.

  15. #14
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    Array limatunes's Avatar
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    Did you ever hear the story about the Sailor and his bride?

    This sailor in WWII got a used book. In the book was the address of the previous owner. He was so moved by the book that he wrote to the individual at the address for someone to talk to about the book.

    She wrote back.

    Over the next few months they became very close and began planning a meeting upon his return. He asked for a photo and she said that a friendship should not be determined by looks. He agreed and they continued with their plans to meet. They were to meet at a train station and she was to wear a green suit with a rose on her lapel.

    When he got to the train station he waited anxiously for the train to come in and off stepped a beautiful woman in a green suit who was gorgeous in every detail. He smiled broadly at her and stepped forward only to find there was no rose on her lapel.

    "Coming my way, Sailor?" she teased and he greeted her kindly finding it tempting to ask her on a date.

    But behind the blond beauty he caught glimpse of a rose, and behind the rose was a green suit. There she was, plump, short, much older than he'd expected with bad hair and worse teeth.

    "Well?" the blond said.

    His physical attraction wanted him to accept the taunting of the blond, but his moral obligation was to the woman with the rose. He instantly knew that he could not be romantically attracted to this woman but the emotional connection still meant a deep and caring friendship that was worth pursuing and developing. After all, she was a woman who he had shared his life with and the bond between them could not and should not be ignored just because of looks.

    He excused himself from the blond and approached the lady with the rose. He greeted her warmly and asked her to dinner.

    Immediately, the woman stopped him and said, "Sir, I don't understand it, but that woman you were just talking to asked me if I'd wear this rose on my lapel. She said someone was supposed to approach me and ask me to dinner and if he did I was supposed to direct him to the diner across the street where she will be waiting with a table. If not, I was just to keep the rose and go on my way. I guess you are the man she's waiting for."

    Of course, it's just a story, but I think it applies to your situation. Physical attraction does matter and while sometimes, as the relationship develops, it can fade into the background or even the seemingly "ugly" things can suddenly become beautiful, there does need to be at least some kind of attraction for a romance to happen.

    On the other hand, this woman is a friend and has been a friend. Even if you could not see yourself making a lasting relationship with her there is already a relationship that is in need of your care and respect.

    I would go on the date and if you found there was absolutely no attraction I would be plain with her. I would tell her that you greatly enjoyed the conversation, meeting her and her company as a good friend and you wish that relationship to continue but you don't see a romantic relationship in your future with her. I guarantee that she will appreciate your honesty.

    And you never do know.. maybe she'll be a knock-out!

    Good luck!

  16. #15
    Ex Member Array PNUT's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chevy-SS View Post
    A complete relationship and "true love" are accompanied by some degree of physical intimacy, IMHO. If she doesn't ring your bell physically, then just continue to be friends.

    For the first "date", I would make it a lunch thing, or something where it was no more than a couple of hours. That way, you can do the whole "meet and greet" thing and then analyze it afterwards.

    Biggest advice I would have is - to just relax and enjoy the company of another human being. Put no pressures on her or you. Expect nothing. Enjoy the moment.

    Good luck!

    -

    I agree.

    How about this ? Have her meet you somewhere, e-mail each other pictures so you'll be able to recognize each other. It'll feel less like a date and more like meeting a friend that way. Takes the "drop off,kiss or no kiss at the door" drama out of the equation as well. At least that will help calm your anxiety about the situation. She might be thinking the same thing.
    Good luck, I hope that it all goes well and that she's a knockout. Meeting someone that you connect with on all of those other levels is always super nice.

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