Beavers building a dam.
This is a discussion on Beavers building a dam. within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; This is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is ...
July 10th, 2009 01:53 AM
Beavers building a dam.
This is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get
to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream
of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later
than January 31, 2006.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call
their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to
challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time
and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way
you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all
those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451
of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern
that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event,
causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and
enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears
are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
your dam office.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
"You cannot invade mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind each blade of grass." - Admiral Yamamoto
July 10th, 2009 02:13 AM
He forgot to tell them to mind their own dam business...
"Who is to say that I am not an instrument of karma? Indeed, who is to say that I am not the very hand of God himself, dispatched by the Almighty to smite the Philistines and hypocrites, to lay low the dishonest and corrupt, and to bust the jawbone of some jackass that so desperately deserves it?"
July 10th, 2009 02:15 AM
That's a different version of what I've seen before, but still funny.
Here's the original TRUE story from Snopes.
snopes.com: Beaver Dam Letter
July 10th, 2009 03:28 AM
AT3 (O-Level) United States Navy - NRA Life Member
"Molan labe! Just try... I'll show you the strength of my conviction... and I'll sleep well that night..."
July 10th, 2009 04:36 AM
That was a good one, thanks for the dam laughs !
July 10th, 2009 08:42 AM
EOD - Initial success or total failure
July 10th, 2009 09:22 AM
July 10th, 2009 02:10 PM
Thank god beavers haven't learned how to run chain saws
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
July 10th, 2009 02:30 PM
July 10th, 2009 04:47 PM
And according to Snopes: TRUE
You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
July 10th, 2009 04:51 PM
What a great Dam letter!!!
July 10th, 2009 05:23 PM
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