Beavers building a dam.

This is a discussion on Beavers building a dam. within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; This is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is ...

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Thread: Beavers building a dam.

  1. #1
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    Beavers building a dam.

    This is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania
    Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

    This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get
    to the response letter.

    SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

    Dear Mr. DeVries:

    It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
    Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
    referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
    landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
    Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream
    of Spring Pond.

    A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

    A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been
    issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
    violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
    and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
    sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws,
    annotated.

    The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
    partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
    downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
    hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
    cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream
    to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams
    from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later
    than January 31, 2006.

    Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
    that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

    Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
    activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
    enforcement action.

    We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
    matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
    questions.

    Sincerely,
    David L. Price
    District Representative and Water Management Division.


    Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
    Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

    Dear Mr. Price,

    Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
    to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane,
    Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

    A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
    constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
    stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
    their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call
    their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to
    challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time
    and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way
    you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
    ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam
    work ethic.

    As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
    must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
    activity.

    My first dam question to you is:
    (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
    (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
    said dam request?

    If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
    through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all
    those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
    will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
    Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451
    of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
    Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

    I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers
    entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
    destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State
    will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern
    that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event,
    causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
    Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the
    Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam
    names.

    If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please
    contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously
    did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read
    English.

    In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
    their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
    water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and
    enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
    Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
    (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

    So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
    referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
    1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and
    there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

    In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
    environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears
    are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be
    persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

    If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
    bears are not careful where they dump!)

    Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
    contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to
    your dam office.

    THANK YOU.
    RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

    "You cannot invade mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind each blade of grass." - Admiral Yamamoto

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  3. #2
    Senior Member Array PointnClick's Avatar
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    He forgot to tell them to mind their own dam business...
    "Who is to say that I am not an instrument of karma? Indeed, who is to say that I am not the very hand of God himself, dispatched by the Almighty to smite the Philistines and hypocrites, to lay low the dishonest and corrupt, and to bust the jawbone of some jackass that so desperately deserves it?"

  4. #3
    JD
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    That's a different version of what I've seen before, but still funny.


    Here's the original TRUE story from Snopes.

    snopes.com: Beaver Dam Letter

  5. #4
    Member Array OMEGA2669's Avatar
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    Hahahaa!
    AT3 (O-Level) United States Navy - NRA Life Member
    "Molan labe! Just try... I'll show you the strength of my conviction... and I'll sleep well that night..."

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    That was a good one, thanks for the dam laughs !

  7. #6
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    That was good!
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

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    Go Beavers Go..!

  9. #8
    VIP Member Array dukalmighty's Avatar
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    Thank god beavers haven't learned how to run chain saws
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

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    That's good, very funny!

  11. #10
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    And according to Snopes: TRUE
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  12. #11
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    What a great Dam letter!!!
    [One Nation Under God]

  13. #12
    JD
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    Quote Originally Posted by Miggy View Post
    And according to Snopes: TRUE
    Welcome to post #3.



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