If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE
This is a discussion on If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; This is something I read on an email and I just had to share it!
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, ...
July 13th, 2009 03:58 PM
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE
This is something I read on an email and I just had to share it!
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5
feet into the ground. Theground rod is the key, with the more you have in
the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for
a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wireand
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
my body. My ears curled downwards and Icould feel the lawnmower ignition
firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one
with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were
fighting over who would control myelectrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ.. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) intoholding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let
go. I grew up on a farmso I know all about electric fences.....but Dad
always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom
soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take
it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please
die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam
idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor
waiting for the go command from itsowner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.......he left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot wherethe wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
resultingthrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close..
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they arealmost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this???)..
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives
me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple
check before I mow.
July 13th, 2009 05:55 PM
That is a good one- 3 teeth melted
CHP holder. EDC G27. I support VCDL, so glad to have them fighting for my rights.
July 13th, 2009 06:34 PM
Thanks, 2dSupporter! That made my day! Laffed my ass off.
July 13th, 2009 06:57 PM
Reminds me of one of my GREAT IDEAS when I was a youth pastor:
Do you remember the game Operation--where you used tweezers to get little body parts out of patient. Well I decided to make a life-sized version with a plywood board and electric fence wire and used big stainless steel kitchen tongs as tweezers. Kids loved it--although we had to wrap the tongs in cloth so the poor students wouldn't defibrillate...good times.
July 13th, 2009 07:00 PM
Years ago I went to a chiropractor [I can guarantee that spelling ain't correct] who practiced acupuncture and electrical therapy to correct back pain. He ran a row of needles from my shoulders to my ankles [one on each side of my spine] and connected electrodes to the upper and lower needles on each side. When he turned on the electricity I could pick up a local radio station without a radio.
July 13th, 2009 07:14 PM
I was laughing so hysterically that my husband and daughter were having trouble understanding me as I was reading this to them. That had to have been the most hilarious thing I have read since I can't even remember when!
July 13th, 2009 07:26 PM
July 13th, 2009 07:44 PM
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are. My father was a big believer in the electric fence. He too always looked for the 25 mile unit to fence in a couple of acres. I watched once as my dumb older sister came home with her equally dumb boyfriend. She went into the house and he sat in the car. I saw he was looking around kind of funny like and got out and walked down a slight incline toward the weeds (that hid the hot wire), Seems dummy boy had had a few cold beers and needed to relieve himself. I thought to myself, can I be so lucky. Yes, it was my day. Dummy starting the golden stream to the electric fantastic. He got to dancing, pee flying, and the incline kept him nice and close to the wire. I was laying on the ground yelping with glee. Now that's what old Ben Franklin had in mind!
July 13th, 2009 07:51 PM
Not only am I laughing all over the place, I almost number one'd on myself. This is just a ridiculous story!!! HAHAHAHA
July 13th, 2009 08:39 PM
I was fishing and grabbed one in a river once! It must have been made by the same company!
July 13th, 2009 08:47 PM
ha Ha HA! I just laughed very hard for 2 minutes, read this story to the others in the room and laughed even harder. Amazing. And tellls me something about electric fences.
Give us this day our daily lead...
July 13th, 2009 09:36 PM
That's just too damn funny. Made my day!!
July 13th, 2009 11:50 PM
Best laugh I've had in weeks! This was great, thanks for posting!
Don't frisk me, I am the weapon.
Sig Sauer P239 DAK (9mm)
NRA Member & Pistol Instructor
July 14th, 2009 12:49 AM
I peed on an electric fence once (on a dare). When I got up off the ground after whizzing all over myself I looked around to see who had drop kicked me. I was alone in the field. My buddies were all still about 80 yds away laughing their fool heads off at me. It didn't really hurt any of my "parts", it just slammed me to the ground. It was not one of the smartest things I've ever done.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
July 14th, 2009 07:42 AM
It's really tough to copy and paste something into an email message, put in a subject, and address it properly- all while laughing my very large butt off! But I finally managed, and I have friends who now have a great way to start their day.
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