An oldie but funny - Page 2

An oldie but funny

This is a discussion on An oldie but funny within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; A man came home from work and found his 50 year old wife standing naked in from of a mirror and asked her what she ...

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  1. #16
    VIP Member Array rottkeeper's Avatar
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    A man came home from work and found his 50 year old wife standing naked in from of a mirror and asked her what she was doing. She said my doctor told me I have the shape of a 20 year old today.

    The husband said well did he say anything about that fat a** of yours?

    She said nope, your name never came up.
    For as the lightning comes from the east and flashes to the west, so also will the coming of the son of man be. Mathew 24:27

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  2. #17
    Senior Member Array jca1's Avatar
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    A nurse at the retirement home saw John acting like he was driving, she stopped and asked what he was doing. He said he was tired of this place so he was going to Florida. She walked a little further down the hall and saw Bob humping his bed under the covers. She yelled out, Bob, what are you doing.....he yelled back, be quiet...John's gone to Florida and Im sleeping with his wife.

    A man went to the same brothel every Wednesday had been going for years. One day he told the madame that he was tired of the same women and wanted something different. She told him that she had a chicken. He said "a chicken!" thats insane! then after a few moments he decided to try the chicken. She told him to walk down the hall to the second door on the right. He did, found the chicken, you can guess the rest. The next week he came back and asked the madame for the chicken again. She told him the chicken was gone but now she had a goat, he said A goat, cool, I want that! She said Ok but it's not ready, go to the fourth door on the right and wait there. he went into the third door on the right by mistake to find a bunch of men sitting around laughing hysterically...he looked to the left and saw a man with a goat through a two way mirror, he said holy crap that guys with a goat! Then someone in the room said, this is nothing, last week there was a freaky old dude with a chicken!

  3. #18
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jhh3rd View Post
    What do people do during the winter in Alaska on a long night? They read the barrel on their Ruger!
    I don't get it. I checked the barrels of all my Rugers, and there was nothing to read except the caliber and serial #'s. What am I missing? Or is it that I'm just a Yankee New Yorker?
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  4. #19
    VIP Member Array rottkeeper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JonInNY View Post
    I don't get it. I checked the barrels of all my Rugers, and there was nothing to read except the caliber and serial #'s. What am I missing? Or is it that I'm just a Yankee New Yorker?
    Your not the only one brother.
    For as the lightning comes from the east and flashes to the west, so also will the coming of the son of man be. Mathew 24:27

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  5. #20
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
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    What did Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common?

    They both tried to get curds out of their whey!
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  6. #21
    Senior Member Array jca1's Avatar
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    three moles, daddy mole momma mole and baby mole, were crawling through their tunnel when daddy mole smelled food...breakfast food. He popped through the surface sniffed a bit and said, ummm bacon. mamma nole stuck her head out beside daddy mole and said, ummmm sausage. baby mole tried but he couldn't squeeze between them so he just took a big wif and said...molasses?

  7. #22
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jca1 View Post
    ...molasses?
    <groan>
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  8. #23
    Senior Member Array hudsonvalley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by QKShooter View Post
    For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he substituted hickory nuts. Dr. Benson sat down and took a sip under Teddy's watchful eyes; he frowned. "Say, Teddy, this isn't an almond daiquiri. Just what is it?" "I can't lie to ya,"
    Teddy said. "It's hickory daiquiri, Doc."

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.

    If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

    If I only had a cymbal high hat and a drumstick.....
    Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.
    ---Ronald Reagan

  9. #24
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hudsonvalley View Post

    If I only had a cymbal high hat and a drumstick.....
    Here ya go:

    Rim Shot, Cool Sounds, Drums, Sound Bite
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  10. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by jhh3rd View Post
    What do people do during the winter in Alaska on a long night? They read the barrel on their Ruger!
    The spoiler... For those of you who don't get it, he's baggin' on the volumes of information stamped onto every Ruger firearm. Enough to keep even the lonliest Alaskan occupied through the long, winter nights.

    It's funny! Why can't we just have guns -not machine imprinted billboards?!

    Tough crowd, indeed. ;)

  11. #26
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Czampion View Post
    The spoiler... For those of you who don't get it, he's baggin' on the volumes of information stamped onto every Ruger firearm. Enough to keep even the lonliest Alaskan occupied through the long, winter nights.

    It's funny! Why can't we just have guns -not machine imprinted billboards?!

    Tough crowd, indeed. ;)
    I still don't get it. Why is that funny?

    My Ruger's don't have "volumes of information"... just caliber & serial number, and "Prescott AZ". As a matter of fact, I think all my pistols have the same info.
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  12. #27
    Senior Member Array jca1's Avatar
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    two old men went to the brothel after a wild night of sitting around, talking about the good ol' days, and drinking whiskey. When they got to the brothel they were pretty well drunk. The madame saw them come in, looked at the girl next to her and said, look at those two old drunk men, what do they think they're gonna do? Then the madame told the girl to put one of the blow up dolls in each of the first two rooms, she would send them up there cause cause they were too old and drunk to know the difference. Well she did, and the madame sent them up. Not long after the two men came back down and left. Outside the two old men had this conversation:
    Fred: I think my girl was dead.
    Bill:What you mean Fred?
    Fred:Well she didn't move or speak or anything...I just left her up there I didn't know what to do.
    Bill: well I think my girl was a witch!
    Fred: A witch, holy crap! what in the world?
    Bill: well, I bit her on the butt, she farted and flew out the window!

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