Understanding Tools

Understanding Tools

This is a discussion on Understanding Tools within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Understanding Tools -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks ...

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  1. #1
    Member Array Kicker96fs's Avatar
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    Understanding Tools

    Understanding Tools

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    DRILL PRESS:

    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



    WIRE WHEEL :

    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shoot'



    SKILL SAW :

    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



    PLIERS :

    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



    BELT SANDER :

    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



    HACKSAW :

    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



    VISE-GRIPS :

    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



    OXYACETYLENE TORCH :

    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..



    TABLE SAW :

    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :

    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



    BAND SAW :

    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :

    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :

    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name

    Implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :

    A tool for opening paint cans . Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



    PRY BAR :

    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



    HOSE CUTTER :

    A tool used to make hoses too short.



    HAMMER :

    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



    UTILITY KNIFE :

    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


  2. #2
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    That's the funniest thing I've seen today!

    I used everyone of them.....& as described!
    Quemadmodum gladius neminem occidit, occidentis telum est.-Seneca

    "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. If I have a gun, what do I have to be paranoid about?" -Clint Smith

    "An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it." -Jeff Cooper

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array varob's Avatar
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    Now I knpw.

    My tool box will never be the same
    Don't believe what you hear and only half of what you see!
    -Tony Soprano

  4. #4
    Distinguished Member Array TerriLi's Avatar
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    I laughed so hard I need to go use the bathroom.
    This could also be listed as "The non-mechanics guide to tools"
    I know not what this "overkill" means.

    Honing the knives, Cleaning the longguns, Stocking up ammo.

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    I have one of those

  6. #6
    Member Array IronMike's Avatar
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    Why is this posted under humor?
    Isnt there a Truth post available?
    It is pardonable to be defeated but never surprised.
    2 Ruger alaskan .454s
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    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    That is an excellent list. Bang on target, each one of them.

    Checked off the "bucket list": Laugh until I cry.

    "#*!(%$&^@" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "#*!(%$&^@" at the top of your lungs. Usually, it’s also the next tool you’ll need.
    Truer words were never spoken.

    Link.
    Last edited by ccw9mm; August 22nd, 2009 at 09:31 PM.
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: The Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).
    NRA, SAF, GOA, OFF, ACLDN.

  8. #8
    Member Array kingdaddyoh's Avatar
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    Now thats funny....I don't care who you are.
    Ain't no fun when the rabbit has a gun!

  9. #9
    VIP Member Array rottkeeper's Avatar
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    Thanks I've seen it before and have not been able to find it again.

    Very funny and true to boot.
    For as the lightning comes from the east and flashes to the west, so also will the coming of the son of man be. Mathew 24:27

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    All these years I'd thought I was misusing my tools...guess I was wrong.
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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  11. #11
    VIP Member Array dukalmighty's Avatar
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    I have experienced most if not all of the above,
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

  12. #12
    Senior Member Array dnowell's Avatar
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    That is really great. All of those tools that I have, I've used like that...

  13. #13
    Member Array Czampion's Avatar
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    The milling machine behaves just like the drill press! :0

  14. #14
    Senior Member Array ErikGr7's Avatar
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    OXYACETYLENE TORCH

    I used this one for my own personal hand warmer during
    cold mornings on the railroad

    Number 2 tip is my preference..lol

  15. #15
    Senior Member Array kellyII's Avatar
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    so true so true

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