Some funny one liners

Some funny one liners

This is a discussion on Some funny one liners within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; few of life's little truths. 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and crap-head's. 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 ...

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Thread: Some funny one liners

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array ErnieNWillis's Avatar
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    Some funny one liners

    few of life's little truths.

    1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and crap-head's.

    2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

    3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

    4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

    5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

    6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea.

    7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

    9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal"?

    10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

    11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

    12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

    13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

    15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

    16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

    17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have “Schiffer Brains."

    18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

    19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

    20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

    21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    23. Why is it that most nudists are peopling you don't want to see naked?

    24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

    25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:”Don’t pick that up, you don't know where it's been!


  2. #2
    VIP Member Array Paco's Avatar
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    Oh, I'm gonna be using a few of those for sure!
    "Don't hit a man if you can possibly avoid it; but if you do hit him, put him to sleep." - Theodore Roosevelt

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  3. #3
    VIP Member Array automatic slim's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ErnieNWillis View Post
    few of life's little truths.

    1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and crap-head's.

    2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

    3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

    4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

    5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

    6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea.

    7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

    8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

    9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal"?

    10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

    11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

    12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

    13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

    14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

    15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

    16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

    17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have “Schiffer Brains."

    18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

    19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

    20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

    21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

    22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

    23. Why is it that most nudists are peopling you don't want to see naked?

    24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

    25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:”Don’t pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
    "First gallant South Carolina nobly made the stand."
    Edge of Darkness

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array Pure Kustom's Avatar
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    8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner

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    Distinguished Member Array Rugergirl's Avatar
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    "Hollowpoints, when you care enough to send the very best"
    is my favorite
    Disclaimer: The posts made by this member are only the members opinion, not a reflection on anyone else, nor the group, and should not be cause for anyone to get their undergarments wedged in an uncomfortable position.

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    Senior Member Array jca1's Avatar
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    " If I wanted to speak to you in any language other than English, I would not have called from America"

  7. #7
    DM2
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    My favorite:

    24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
    DM2
    "I did the thing I feared the most. Excuse me while I cheer. Now here I stand a stronger soul and all I lost was fear." ...Anonymous

  8. #8
    Distinguished Member Array Bunny's Avatar
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    These are great!
    Don't frisk me, I am the weapon.


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    NRA Member & Pistol Instructor

    www.vanguardnc.com

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