This is a discussion on Funny within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; On a nice spring day a farmer decided to walk into town. He first stopped at the hardware where he bought a bucket and an ...
On a nice spring day a farmer decided to walk into town.
He first stopped at the hardware where he bought a bucket and an anvil.
Then he went to the stockyard where he bought two ducks and a goose.
As he was walking home a widow asked him for directions.
He said "just follow me down this alley, and I'll show you where you want to go"
The widow said "how do I know that when we get part way down the alley, you won't have your way with me?
The farmer said "Lady, I'm carrying two ducks, a goose, a bucket and an anvil, how could I possibly do something like that?"
The widow said "well, you could put down the goose, put the bucket upside down on top of him, then put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the ducks.
"Who is to say that I am not an instrument of karma? Indeed, who is to say that I am not the very hand of God himself, dispatched by the Almighty to smite the Philistines and hypocrites, to lay low the dishonest and corrupt, and to bust the jawbone of some jackass that so desperately deserves it?"
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
I'm headed to the hardware store right now.
"First gallant South Carolina nobly made the stand."
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At least she had a well thought out plan to follow!
I'll add one to this, which is a good one, by the way!
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blond mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blond mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blond mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
“The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.”
Patrick HenryOriginally Posted by UnklFungus
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Ok...not to hijack the thread but here's my contribution.
A family from southern West Virginia had one of the kids make it in the world becoming a "high powered" executive for a large California corporation and had plenty of money. The siblings remained in West Virginia scratching out a living. One day, the one in California got a call from his brother in West Virginia telling him that Daddy has died and would he be able to come to the funeral.
"I don't know Jim Bob, you know, I'm a high powered executive, got lots of meetin's, gotta jet off to Japan, and other places." "I'm real sorry Daddy died, but I just can't make it to the funeral." "Tell you what, though, you get Dad the best and most elaborate funeral they've ever seen, and I'll pay for all of it."
The WV brother agreed and did as his sibling requested, getting their dad the most lavish funeral the County had ever seen. After it was over, the funeral home sent the bill to California, and the brother out there paid it.
Next month, the brother in CA got a bill for $25 and he paid it. Again, a month later, another unkown bill for $25. He paid that too. This kept up for a few more months, so the CA brother called WV. "Hey, Jim Bob, I thought you got Daddy the best funeral money can buy?" "I did Billy Bob, I did." "Well, I got the bill for the funeral, paid that. Now I keep getting these bills for $25 each month, what gives?"
"Oh," says Jim Bob, "I forgot to tell you, we rented Daddy a tuxedo!!!"
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