LOL. This is awesome. I'm going to email this to my friends.
This is a discussion on 'Contractor' from Iraq answers Craigslist ad within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Original Ad in Craigslist: I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting ...
Original Ad in Craigslist:
I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at ***********@comcast.net with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!
*The guy answered it as a prank*
From Me to ************@comcast.net
My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day.
If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back.
From Kate ******** to Me
Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?),
I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions...but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3.
Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable?
You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities.
A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.
I have several references. I'll have one of them e-mail you.
My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver.
Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won't have to use it, but it is good to have. I can't tell you how many times I've had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice.
Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you.
Let me know,
From Kate ******** to Me
This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it's suburban PA...
Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops.
From Me to Kate ********
Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I've seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball.
My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in "kill zones." All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field.
Please reconsider my offer. You can't put a price on your daughter's safety.
From Kate ******** to Me
Stop wasting my time. Don't e-mail me again.
(later, from another e-mail account)
From Nick Walken to Kate **********
I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe.
When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike's security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don't remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn't think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike's heroic actions, I am here today.
You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations.
If you have any more questions about Mike, please don't hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life.
From Kate ******** to Me
what in the hell...
The guy who did this does a lot of funny responses to Craigslist ads and he posts them on his blog. Some are a bit profane tho..
Geez, I wanna hire that guy!
"Guard with jealous attention the public liberty. Suspect everyone who approaches that jewel. Unfortunately, nothing will preserve it but downright force. Whenever you give up that force, you are inevitably ruined". - Patrick Henry
Okay this is funny as hell!!!1
Especially the last part where he rips off the the POW scene from The Deer Hunter.
Please provide a source link so that I can forward this to others.
Mikes experience with russian roulette sounds alot like a scene from the "Deer Hunter".
He'd be the choice for my kid.
Theres an idea for when all of us get old and decrepit and can't drive or return fire - just hire a mercenary to take us to our medical appointments/grocery trips
I can no longer keep track of threads as I used to. If you need to contact me, PM me instead of asking me something in the thread. Disclaimer - No legal advice issued anywhere. Take care.
I knew Chuck Norris. Chuck is a friend of mine. Mike, you are NO Chuck Norris.
Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse or Rapture....whichever comes first.
I might have to get in touch with that guy if I take a job in D.C.
"I'm not fluent in the language of violence, but I know enough to get around in places where it's spoken."
Dare I ask what happened to the other 10%?90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed.
Certified Glock Armorer
"I got a touch of hangover bureaucrat, don't push me"
Independence is declared; it must be maintained. Sam Houston-3/2/1836
If loose gun laws are good for criminals why do criminals support gun control?
What a crack up. Thanks for posting.
Omg, that is just too funny!
"Stand your ground, don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here!" - John Parker April 19th, 1775 Lexington, MA