ONE LINERS and more - Page 2

ONE LINERS and more

This is a discussion on ONE LINERS and more within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Originally Posted by 4my son This reminds me of steven Wright, THANKS!! I'd been trying to think of his name since this thread started, I ...

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  1. #16
    Lead Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by 4my son
    This reminds me of steven Wright,
    THANKS!!

    I'd been trying to think of his name since this thread started, I had the right (Wright) last name, but couldn't remember the first name. He had some great stuff.
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure


  2. #17
    Senior Member Array cmidkiff's Avatar
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    Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress; but I repeat myself.
    Samual Clemens
    Liberty is an inherently offensive lifestyle. Living in a free society guarantees that each one of us will see our most cherished principles and beliefs questioned and in some cases mocked. It's worth it.

  3. #18
    Senior Member Array gddyup's Avatar
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    We gotta have ome Dangerfield in here!


    I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

    A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

    If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

    During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

    One day as I came home early from work I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

    Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    I'm so ugly ... my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

    I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness after I was born.

    Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

    I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
    Firefighter/EMT
    "You've never lived until you've almost died. For those who fight for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know" - T.R.

    <----My LT was unhappy that I did not have my PASS-Tag at that fire. But I found the body so he said he would overlook it. :)

  4. #19
    Senior Member Array .45acp's Avatar
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    I asked my parents why they tried burying me out back when I was a kid. They said it was cause I was the family treasure. I have my doubts.

  5. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Redneck Repairs

    Your wife goes in for a pelvic exam, and you tell your friends she is being "bore sighted".

  6. #21
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    I love Steven Wright!

    I have a map of the world, it's actual size.
    "The pistol, learn it well, carry it always ..." ~ Jeff Cooper

    "Terrorists: They hated you yesterday, they hate you today, and they will hate you tomorrow. End the cycle of hatred, donít give them a tomorrow."

  7. #22
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    yeah actually my jokes were all from Steven Wright, saw him in Seattle last year, he never smiles, but we did get him to laugh at one of his own jokes, he put his dead was trying to hide it and said "damn you guys!" but still didn't fully admit we broke his code of never smiling or laughing!

  8. #23
    Member Array fitznig's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by P95Carry

    BIBLE

    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
    I always have liked that one!

  9. #24
    Member Array Rocnerd's Avatar
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    Another Steven Wright;
    A sign in the window of a restaurant advertised, "Come in and order anything, anytime", so I went in and ordered french toast during the renaissance.

    I think some of these, and especially this one needs that ba-dump-dump-"symbol" sound byte to go with them.

  10. #25
    Distinguished Member Array 4my sons's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fitznig
    yeah actually my jokes were all from Steven Wright, saw him in Seattle last year,

    That would be an awesome show, I wonder if he will be coming to the east coast. I had a tape of his way back when, I lost it.

    I saw Jeff Foxworthy here in Richmond years ago, How do these guys do the same show so many times and keep up the enthusiasm.

    I guess that's how they got to where they are.
    "fundamental principle of American law that a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public services, such as police protection, to any individual citizen." [Warren v. District of Columbia,(D.C. Ct. of Ap., 1981)]
    If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand

  11. #26
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    Ooh Ooh, hand waiving in the air, I remember some more.

    Reciently I was rereading my diary,

    Day one, still tired from the move.

    Day two, everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
    "fundamental principle of American law that a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public services, such as police protection, to any individual citizen." [Warren v. District of Columbia,(D.C. Ct. of Ap., 1981)]
    If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand

  12. #27
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    In the movie "U.S. Marshals" an agent asks Tommy Lee Jones (his character) if he was crazy. One of the other agents replied, "No, but he's a carrier."

  13. #28
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    A couple from Steven Wright that have stayed with me over the years...



    "It's a small world....but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

    "I had a dream last night that I met all the babies that have been aborted...they were pissed!"

    "Man, I can't believe the Stones are still together and doing their thing after all these years....Fred and Barney...."

    "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"

    "If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"

    Others of his I found on the net:

    "I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

    "When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child eventually."

    "If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"

    "I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."

    "I had to stop driving my car for a while, the tires got dizzy."

    "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
    "An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it."
    - Col. Jeff Cooper, USMC

  14. #29
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    It's good for the rest of your life or until you die, whichever comes first.

  15. #30
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    These have been some of my favorites for a while...


    18 WAYS TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

    1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."

    7. Finish all your sentences with "... in accordance with the prophecy."

    8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    9. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    10. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

    11. Sing along at the opera.

    12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    13. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

    14. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their after-work outing because you're not in the mood.

    15. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

    16. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! This is the third time this week!"

    17. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

    18. Tell your children over dinner, "If the economy keeps up like this, we are going to have to let one of you go."
    eschew obfuscation

    The only thing that stops bad guys with guns is good guys with guns. SgtD

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