ONE LINERS and more

This is a discussion on ONE LINERS and more within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; "I was once arrested for walking in somebody else's sleep!" When I was young I named my puppy STAY, confused the hell outta the damn ...

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Thread: ONE LINERS and more

  1. #1
    Member Array fitznig's Avatar
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    ONE LINERS and more

    "I was once arrested for walking in somebody else's sleep!"




    When I was young I named my puppy STAY, confused the hell outta the damn thing, i was like "come here STAYYY come here STAYYY!"


    "I hate it when your foot falls asleep during the day!
    THAT means its going to be up all night!"


    I was once a narrator for bad mimes!

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  3. #2
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    Ow, yer killin' me. The puppy one is great.
    eschew obfuscation

    The only thing that stops bad guys with guns is good guys with guns. SgtD

  4. #3
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    Array P95Carry's Avatar
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    Dang it - I have some more somewhere - have to remember to go dig soon.

    Great
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  5. #4
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    Here we go - stand by --

    1. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

    2. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

    3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

    4. How do I set my laser printer on stun?

    5. How is it possible to have a civil war?

    6. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

    7. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

    9. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too

    10. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

    11. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

    12. If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?

    13. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

    14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

    15. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

    16. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

    17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

    18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

    19. What happens when none of your bees wax?

    20. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

    21. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
    why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

    22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

    23. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't
    everyone just move 10 miles away?
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  6. #5
    Member Array fitznig's Avatar
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    18. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?


    haha, i heard taht one before but had this added to it, (its all about delivery for one liners)

    Why is the alphabet in that order? is it because of the song,
    the guy that wrote the alphabet song, wrote everything!

  7. #6
    Distinguished Member Array BCurry1's Avatar
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    Anybody have anymore? I love reading these and laughing!!
    Curry

  8. #7
    Member Array jamz's Avatar
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    A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

  9. #8
    Senior Member Array Weeg's Avatar
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    Terms that still make no sense whatsoever:

    "Listen up" - Do we point one ear skyward?

    "Stand Fast" - I'm standing...How can that be fast?

    "Hurry up! We're waiting on you" - If they are waiting on me, I'd LOVE a large coffee and pastry please...


    Last edited by Weeg; April 12th, 2006 at 11:48 AM.

  10. #9
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    I'm crying! What a way to wake up - a good cup of french roast and laughs! Made my day! Already!


  11. #10
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    Used to see signs on roadway ''dead slow'' - ummm - dead = not even slow''

    Here's some other stuff - not one-liners but some fun anyways -

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    The Way Children See Things!

    NUDITY

    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

    HONESTY

    My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

    OPINIONS

    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

    KETCHUP

    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle."

    MORE NUDITY

    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

    ELDERLY

    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    DRESS-UP

    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

    "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.."

    DEATH

    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."

    SCHOOL

    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

    BIBLE

    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  12. #11
    Distinguished Member Array 4my sons's Avatar
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    This reminds me of steven Wright, Back in the 80's, Mono tone, never cracked a smile but was way too funny.

    I spilt spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.

    I put a humidifier and a dehumidifer in the same room and let them fight it out.

    I put wax in my humidifer and now my room is all shiny.

    I baught a decafinated coffie table.



    I'll come back and add some more, I'm sure I'll remember later.
    "fundamental principle of American law that a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public services, such as police protection, to any individual citizen." [Warren v. District of Columbia,(D.C. Ct. of Ap., 1981)]
    If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand

  13. #12
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    Thanks you guys....consider the yuk yuks to be greatly appreciated!

  14. #13
    Senior Member Array .45acp's Avatar
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    I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

    I don't suffer from Insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

  15. #14
    Senior Member Array tegemu's Avatar
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    Why do they use a sterile needle for lethal injection?
    People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence in their behalf. - George Orwell

  16. #15
    VIP Member Array Redneck Repairs's Avatar
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    Hell, I was lookin at pnuematic staple guns today and was asking myself things like "magazine capacity", and rate of fire, will you be able to "speed load" with this model??

    Your a gun nut if :

    You actually consider buying the camo sexy underwear advertised for your sweetie in some gun catalogs.

    You consider the money you lose on your frequent trades as "entertainment money".

    If your wife/girlfriend starts using Hoppes No. 9 instead of perfume to get your attention.

    You've ever turned down sex with your wife (or anyone else's) just to go shooting instead.


    Every time one of your friends goes to buy a new gun they check with you first, since you've probably had one already, and because they know you have ammo and gun parts sitting around for guns you no longer own

    Your wife goes in for a pelvic exam, and you tell your friends she is being "bore sighted".

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