Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart)

Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart)

This is a discussion on Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart) within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; It could not be delayed anymore, supplies were low. I stepped outside the house and saw it was a nice clear day with temperature around ...

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  1. #1
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    Talking Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart)

    It could not be delayed anymore, supplies were low. I stepped outside the house and saw it was a nice clear day with temperature around 80 degrees and a steady northeast breeze. It was now or wait for another week.
    I went back inside to prepare for the mission: My trusted Mini Cougar 8045, three mags filled with HydraShoks went to their proper places around my waist. Swiss Army knife, Timberlake folder, Nitrolon and a Mini-Mag with LED conversion unit and a mini first-aid kit in their assigned places inside my tactical fisherman’s vest. 2 packs of cigarettes and 3 lighters in case I had a prolonged excursion or the need for set improvised time delay fuses also went in my pockets. Cell phone fully charged with a back up battery and that little sticker antenna that guarantees you perfect reception even in the deepest cave according to the infomercial I saw and bought it from. I made sure the truck was fully fueled as well as the 2 extra jerry cans, tested the winch and mentally did one last mental check up. I was ready. Next I hollered at my Mother: “OK, Let’s go to Wal-Mart!”

    After a harrowing mile and a half drive (This is Miami-Dade County people. New Yorkers and Angelinos can be seen crying in terror by the shoulders of our byways refusing to deal with our traffic) we got into the local Super Wally World. Amazingly I found a parking spot only 200 yards away from the entrance. I know I should have been suspicious of my good luck, but I was feeling optimist and just thanked the stars for the great smile bestowed upon me. We got inside and I should have gone immediately into condition orange when I grabbed the first shopping cart and it was just perfectly new. No shaky front wheel, no stuck rear wheel and the cart itself was spotless without even a trace of an old coupon.

    My first stop was at the sporting good section where I scored a Gerber 400 Compact Sport Multi-Plier for a measly $20. I guess I was 100% condition white because any other rational male would have draw his sidearm and started a tactical retreat for the nearest exit but not me, I carried on. As we headed for the grocery part of the Super WallyWolrd, I saw 2 females in hand-to-hand combat for an Easter toy basket and I could almost swear one of them was utilizing the haganah method. I chose not to stick around and finally I arrived to the dairy section. While Mom was fishing for the list, I almost got run over by some acne-covered teen driving a pallet jack loaded with Yoplait yogurt in different flavors. I nimbly stepped aside and started to collect the items as Mom recited from the list. When I went to retrieve the milk, I got electrically shocked by a powerful deterrence system installed in the door handle. I quickly recovered and used my Tactical Fisherman’s vest to open the door and remove 2 gallons of regular milk and half a gallon of Non-fat. After placing them in the cart, I did a quick scan of the area and saw I had a clear pathway to the eggs and took my chances. I was able to get a dozen extra large but paid the price as a 6 year old, commandeering a cart and running away from his mother managed to impact me from behind right on my Achilles heels. Although the pain was searing I managed to hold on to the eggs and return to my cart where Mom chastised me for playing with kids instead of paying attention to the shopping.

    Let me make a pause and talk about women and grocery shopping. We all learned in school that back in the Stone Age where allegedly our behavioral patterns were established, Men became the Hunters (with the standard explanation that we are some sort of violent brutish creature) and Women were the Foragers, sweet innocent and non-violent: BOVINE FECES! Yes, they are gathering foodstuffs but any idea of innocence or pacifism is just unadulterated misinformation. Women are vicious creatures who will rip your eyes out if they see you ogling at the 3 for $1 special on chunk tuna in oil. No wonder cavemen went out with just sharpened sticks to face mammoths and saber-tooth tigers: it was an even fight!

    Let me get back to the story. As we moved on from aisle to aisle, I noticed a curious pattern: Any male shopping accompanied by female was not attacked as long as he was driving the cart. But if he stray 5 feet or more from his assigned female, he was a viable target for attack. Since I sensed that the natives were on the warpath with full face paint, I chose to stick to Mom like politician to funding. I managed to retrieve all the essentials on the list plus a couple that she remembered after the fact and we were almost at the register when she uttered the nastiest 5 words any male can hear in this situation:

    You know what I forgot?

    I deflated right there and then. She had forgotten to get cranberry juice. My memory came up with the proper aisle for the Juices & Other Drinks: #2, almost all the way to the back of the store. Then, I heard the Six Words that sealed my future

    I will wait for you here.

    With my eyes brimming with tears and swallowing hard, I headed back. But I am a trained professional and I know I just couldn’t go back the way I came, specially alone and without a cart to fend off attacks from blood-thirsty female shoppers. I took a moment to observe the landscape and made my move. First I did a quick sprint into the Man Apparel section, hid for a minute peeking from the Hawaiian Shirt Rack at any possible enemies in the area. Aside from one woman buying tightie whities, the coast was clear. Zigzagging between the jeans and the socks, I found my path blocked by the changing rooms. I peeked once again and saw that directly ahead was the baby section, a 100% tactical no-no. Here is where I made a huge mistake, instead of backtracking and going around through the pharmacy and the pet supplies, I just did a quick right turn and ended up in the middle of the Women Apparel section. There is no way to describe the horror I felt in my heart when I saw a field covered in pastels, flower patterns, lace and frills of any kind and shape. I went on my stomach and slithered ever so slowly trying not to be noticed by the horde of gossiping warriors rummaging through the new spring collection. As I moved on, I saw far away (some 20 feet) a clear patch of aisle that headed for the Plastic Containers and Lawn Furniture. I decided that I would make one sprint and escape before any of the Female Warriors could react but unfortunately my feet got tangled with a discarded red bra with white artificial feather trim and I hit head on the bin containing the slightly irregular Hanes Panty Hose. Dazed, determined but with a blurry vision, I managed to get out and promptly struck a big display of windshield cleaner and one bottle fell on my groin putting me out of action.

    Through the fog of my pain I could hear enraged females shrieking and getting ready to attack me. I decided that I would go down fighting like a man and as I was ready to draw my gun, I felt hands grabbing by shoulders and a male voice saying “Don’t worry buddy, we got you.” I felt myself being dragged and the smell of engine oil, tires, additives and the sound of an impact wrench indicated that I was in the Automotive Section. I passed out.

    When I came to, I saw that I was surrounded by other males, all sporting different levels of wounds obtained in the Shopping Wars. They helped me to my feet and gave me a beer. When I asked why there were no females there they explained that the Automotive Section and Women is like consecrated land and vampires: they simply don’t come in. It was the only safe place in the whole store. I was advised no to go near the entrance of the Automotive Section because Lay-Away was directly next door and Females usually become evener more angry and dangerous once they visit that section. After resting for a few minutes, I realized that I was still facing the task of getting the cranberry juice and returning safely to the register. I asked one of the guys who was nibbling on a prune pop-tart and he informed me that there was a way to achieve my goal but it was going to cost me.
    The solution turned out to be an enterprising 8 year old girl who, for $50, would accompany you to retrieve any item and take you where you wanted and doing it safely. It seems that the Female-Accompany-Male applied to females of any age. She would take cash, debit card or credit cards but absolutely no checks or C.O.D’s. When the girl appeared, we quickly struck a deal and I was guided through the maze of corridors and Rabid Shopping Trolls to the Juice section and then delivered to the loving arms of Mom who gave me six kinds of hell for taking an hour to get some juice. I did not mind, I was alive, wounded but I knew that after a week of rest and antibiotics I would be like new. We paid, left the store and hopped into my truck as I swore never to come back unless I had a full tactical team backing me up or a fully armored shopping cart with an M-2 mounted on top.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!


  2. #2
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    Classic - inspired even

    Damn that was funny. Thx Miggy.
    Chris - P95
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    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


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  3. #3
    Senior Member Array Arkie's Avatar
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    LOL!!!!

    Now that was Funny!!!

    You should try it my way. I have to go in there alone. Talk about a tactical situation. LOL...

  4. #4
    VIP Member Array PatrioticRick's Avatar
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    Your first mistake was going with a female, Never, Never, Never, Wally World should be off limits to females, they will always cost an additional amount of cash, no matter what age, they are born to spend. If it's shinny or smells good they have to have it. You could always try this "but honey look at the shinny bullets" very rarely works, unless she is a real special girl(a keeper) but you can always try.
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  5. #5
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    Good write-up, Miggy...shows a lot of attention to detail

    It also may go a long way toward understanding how you became aquainted with Dr. Seisgeismundo Fraude in the first place...

    http://www.combatcarry.com/vbulletin...ead.php?t=7366

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  6. #6
    Senior Member Array .45acp's Avatar
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    Miggy for Governor.

    Outstanding!

  7. #7
    New Member Array Amitalou's Avatar
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    That was a roar!! I had to copy it to my sister. You're too funny!!!

  8. #8
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    Thanks everybody. I did go to WallyWorld yesterday and althought it was not THAT violent, it came close. The one event that "inspired" me was one lady that cut me off (and hard) not with a shopping cart but with the wheelchair she was pushing with an elederly woman in it ! And this was to get a head of read-leaf lettuce!

    About Dr. Fraude. He is still traveling but should come back soon. He told me that he has appointments with several members of this board and is very enthusiastic about what he will find in their minds and he is planning to share his results with us. He will protect the Doctor-Patient confidentiality but promises to share with us lots of gossip....er... scientific discoveries.
    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  9. #9
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    That was great!
    Rick

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  10. #10
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    Very nice! Great flow and detail. I just love "stick to Mom like politician to funding".

    Exactly my thoughts on Wally World with the fairer sex.....

  11. #11
    Member Array DirksterG30's Avatar
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    Miggy, that was a riot. I have to say that my wife isn't like that, and she even lets me buy some of those shiny bullets . Thats not to say that my Wal-Mart experiences are uneventful though.

    The other shoppers must have a secret pact that when someone not of their group comes down an aisle, they barricade themselves behind a wall of shopping carts and force you to go around. I guess there is no such thing as courtesy there; I only hope these people don't drive their cars the way they drive their carts!

    Then there was the time that a woman came in with an small child seated in the shopping cart. After about 5 minutes in the store, the child began crying and screaming hysterically. What did the mother do? She kept shopping, and the child kept screaming...for about 45 minutes (good set of lungs!) The whole time we were in the store, you could tell where they were - sounds like they are in the women's clothing section; now they are in the shoe department, now they're back in the dairy section... It was very unnerving.

    It seems that whenever the wife & I go to Wally World, they must be secretly filming an episode of the Twilight Zone.

  12. #12
    Member Array kengmark's Avatar
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    Have you considered running for political office? I think you'd get all of our votes. Thank you for the laughs!!!
    Kerry

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  13. #13
    Member Array RdRaceWannabe's Avatar
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    Priceless!!!

    Ive always considered trips to wallyworld more like an excursion than a trip to the store!
    People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by DirksterG30
    I have to say that my wife isn't like that, and she even lets me buy some of those shiny bullets . .
    You fool! That is what she uses to lure you and trap you into that hellhole! Don't trust her!! She might be setting you up for some reason or another: "Hey Honey, why don't you go get 10 boxes of them WallyWorld Winchester ammo. You've been a good boy." Next you know, we are looking at your picture in the back of a milk container.

    You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
    Randy Cain.

    Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
    Signed: Me!

  15. #15
    VIP Member Array Redneck Repairs's Avatar
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    Miggster first off YOU OWE ME A KEYBOARD i will expect one to arrive via e-mail within two days second that is in the fine tradition of lawdog and alduro ( if you frequient any of them boards ) i hope to see more from you now that we know you have the talent lol

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