You cant fix STUPID.

You cant fix STUPID.

This is a discussion on You cant fix STUPID. within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I've told y'all before that sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. The last patrol I did was like watching a comedy, but its better ...

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Thread: You cant fix STUPID.

  1. #1
    Lead Moderator
    Array HotGuns's Avatar
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    Dec 2004

    You cant fix STUPID.

    I've told y'all before that sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. The last patrol I did was like watching a comedy, but its better because it was real life, and sometimes being a Deputy Sheriff is like having tickets to a 3 ring circus, especially around the Holidays.

    Last night, I'm on patrol and I get a call for some "traffic control."

    One of the smaller towns in the county has responded to a fully involved structural fire. As it turns out, some old dude that was full of Holiday Cheer, turned over the Kerosene lantern that sits on his gas furnace, and like Kerosene will do when fire hits it, it lights up.

    Logic would dictate to most people that setting a Lantern full of fuel on a gas heater is probably not the smartest thing to do .Some people never heard the word logic though and they sure don't have an idea of what it means so its not like its actually a part of the their life.

    So the old guy being somewhat in a panic, grabs a shirt laying on the back of the chair and starts trying to whoop the fire out.Sounds good right? Except that the shirt catches fire and he ends up trying to pitch it in the kitchen sink to keep it from catching the rest of the house on fire.

    Not a bad idea, except that the now flaming shirt lands right on the middle of a frying pan that happened to be full of grease.All of a sudden our hero now has two full fledged fires going, and he panics and grabs a bottle of some Ron Rico Rum from the kitchen table, some of the high test stuff.

    Thats right. In his somewhat inebriated state of mind, he used Rum that you could use for lighter fuel and poured it right in the sink to douse it out. By now the gas furnace is on fire, the carpet in front of it is on fire and now the wall behind the furnace is on fire where all of this is rapidly combining so that the ceiling is about to be on fire.

    Soon to be combined with the small fireball that is rising from the kitchen sink. In a panic, he reaches across the fire to turn the faucet on, burning both his arms and hands in the process.

    He finally bails because he is having a hard time breathing. In less than a minute, his trailer home is working on its way to being no more.

    Of course, this is how he told me the story that I put in the report. I have no reason to believe otherwise.

    But, back to the "traffic control". It seems that the fireman have had a hard time controlling the good citizens of town. They have for the most part blocked off the highway, the only way in or out to our large rural city with a population of about 70, counting a few coon dogs.

    So we have 5 fire trucks with flashing red lights in the road, with hoses scattered everywhere, its about 29 degrees and people are running helter skelter as they do in any fire.

    The Captain tells me that he cant keep the traffic from endangering his people and equipment, could I please block off the road for awhile? Sure I can do that. So I call for one of our other three units on duty and tell them to go to the other side and shut down the traffic on that side of the road and I'll get this side.

    Now here we will once again use the word "logic" which apparently is no longer taught in the public school system.

    Logic would dictate that when a police car is sitting in the middle of the road, with blue lights and strobes flashing, with 5 rather large bright red and yellow fire engines, with a basin in the middle of the double yellow line on the highway, another police car with flashing lights on the other end of the line, its probably not a good idea to hit the ditch and try to continue on....right?

    I'm standing there watching and here comes a car, around several cars that are on the road. One of the firefighter waves his arms and starts telling the dude in the car, to turn around. I,somewhat in disbelief at what I am seeing, not fully accepting of the fact that people are really that stupid, aim my flashlight at him and tell him to stop. He stops right beside me and tells me that the Firefighter told him to drive on through. The firefighter is looking at me, obviously not happy and shakes his head.

    I ask him why he thought he could drive past everyone else that was stopped?" I dunno" he says, "he told me to go on through"" I swear officer" he says. I ask for a DL, of which he has none. He tells me its at the house. I ask him why he doesn't have it with him, and I get the classic answer, " I forgot". OK, I say, what's your name.

    He opens the door which he has to keep propped open with his leg, because the car is at such an angle that the door wont stay open, because he is in a ditch. The return comes back, he has no Drivers License because it has been revoked for driving on a Suspended Drivers License.He'd had several tickets for the same thing. He registration has expired several months ago and he has no insurance.
    Yet here is trying to pass blocked traffic by driving in the ditch.

    Being the nice guy that I am, I hook him up. I search him, cuff him and stuff him in the back of the car. He's got a passenger with him, an older gentleman that hadn't said a word. I ask him if he could drive the car out of the ditch and take it home. " I cant do that officer" he says. "I lost my license a few months ago for DWI.".

    Well, I had to give him credit for being smart enough to not try it. He offers to call the mans mother, who just lives a mile away to come get it. That sounded good to me so I told him to go ahead. She makes it to us in a few minutes and she is not happy. At all. In fact, she was furious.

    She asks if I she can talk to her son. I open the door and help him out of the car. In retrospect, that probably was not a good thing to do.

    She draws every bit of her 5"1" height and starts poking this 6'2" son of hers in the chest, making a guy feel small like only a mother can do. She is telling him that they have no money for bail, that it's Christmas time and they spent every bit of their money for Christmas and that they are broke. I was thinking at this time of the year, who ain't? The more she talks, the madder she gets. Now she is screaming and starts punching him. I step in between her and our hero and separate them. Then she asks me, "Officer, I think he needs to have his tail kicked and if you'll let me I'll do it right now !"

    You can not imagine how much I wanted to grant her wish. It is the Christmas season after all.Evil thoughts started going through my mind. I was thinking that giving her maybe two minutes with him would be enough.

    Being the professional that I am though,I decided that letting her whoop up on her handcuffed son might not actually be the best course of action. "Officer" she says, "you wont ever have to worry about him again if you let me take care of it." She goes on," I brought him into this world and I can take him out!"

    Having heard that more than once from my own mother,and understanding that an irate mother is one of the most powerful forces in nature, I decided to save his life and stuffed him back in the car, locking the doors not so that he couldn't get out, but so that she couldn't get in.

    I tell her to go get in his car and drive it off.

    Her husband drags her off and she is fighting the whole way, cussing and screaming. He thanks us for being so patient and assures me that everything will be OK. They leave, we stick around another 20 minutes or so until the fire is out, open up the road and go back to the jail to drop the man who we just saved from serious injury and possibly death.

    I've over stayed my shift, I'm supposed to be off at 11PM.Its now midnight. I'm cold, tired and ready to curl up in bed with my nice warm wife.I get the rid of my prisoner,write up and file the report,and start putting my stuff in the truck....right about the time a "suicidal man with a gun" call comes in. Its on the other side of the county a full 30 minute drive. When I came on shift there were 4 units on duty, now we are down to 3. Me and two others and I'm about to go home leaving two cars for the whole county. We all head on up.

    I got home right about 7 AM, but thats another story.

    Man, I love the holidays.

    There is never a dull moment.
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  2. #2
    Member Array noonan's Avatar
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    common sense isn't at all common
    When SHTF I don't call 911, I call 1911
    Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
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    VIP Member Array mcp1810's Avatar
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    As Robert Peele said, a front row seat to the greatest show on earth.
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  4. #4
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    Array Rock and Glock's Avatar
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    Very very funny. It must have been tough not to let "Mom" have her way.........

    Glad you made it home safe.
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  5. #5
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    Array nedrgr21's Avatar
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    I love stories that get better and better - sucks that you had to stay 8 hrs past your shift.

  6. #6
    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    Back home in Louisiana !!!!
    That wouldn't happen to be Dallas County would it?

  7. #7
    Distinguished Member Array Rugergirl's Avatar
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    God must really love the the ignorant folks, he certainly created many of them.
    Thanks for the humor, and your job in public service. Isn't it grand to save the stupid from themselves?
    Disclaimer: The posts made by this member are only the members opinion, not a reflection on anyone else, nor the group, and should not be cause for anyone to get their undergarments wedged in an uncomfortable position.

  8. #8
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    Array Hopyard's Avatar
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    HG, thanks for that great story told with a good sense of humor. Sorry you had to get stuck for an extra shift.

  9. #9
    Ex Member Array Ram Rod's Avatar
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    Dec 2007
    Fayetteville, AR
    Oh...ya gotta love the holidays!
    I loved the fact taking my wife to work past couple of nights after the snow and ice up here (cause I got 4wd), and dealing with the drivers on the road, including a Johnson city patrol car (Charger with hemi) in front of me that hit his blue lights when he apparently thought I was coming up too fast behind him going down a hill in Fayetteville while he must have been afraid of the road conditions or his driving abilities under the circumstances. (city cops right?). I'd already had my fill of drivers ahead of me over the center line because it was covered with ice and they couldn't tell where they were and can't drive in these conditions anyway.
    Well, anyhow, and beside the point (there are still cars in the ditches up here). I'm glad you had an interesting holiday weekend. Believe me, I'd never trade tickets to the circus with you. You keep yours, and I'll keep mine!
    Granted...common sense is not too common these days, and when you throw alcohol on the fire, it just burns more.
    Honestly? When I joined the Marines in 1982, I seriously wanted to go MP, but you know recruiters and how they'll sucker you in 'awaiting' doors to be opened while you go ahead through boot camp and through another door of 'opportunity'.
    I've been doing long hours at my three-ring circus as well, and I know that my four day weekend has been like a vacation here. I think you need to make a point of driving up this spring and doing a Steel Challenge match with us on me. Heck.......I've offered covering the match fee, now I'll bring 200 rounds of ammo to go along with it just to get you out for a day. Just let me know what caliber a bit in advance. March 6, 2010 is the season opener. I'd like to see you there. You deserve a break. My hat's off to all of the county deputies in this fine state, and you can tell any of them I said so. You're one of the best. Thanks for sharing your holiday ordeal. May God bless you in every way.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Array hudsonvalley's Avatar
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    lower hudson valley ny

    You cant fix STUPID

    Yes you can...but it's illegal.
    Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.
    ---Ronald Reagan

  11. #11
    Member Array ZRT600's Avatar
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    LEO's have the best stories.
    Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

  12. #12
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    Near St. Lou-istan, MO

    Sometimes I'm amazed that humans as a race have survived!

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by grady View Post

    Sometimes I'm amazed that humans as a race have survived!
    After spending years as a deputy sheriff, you're never surprised by what people do...
    "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas!".... Sam Houston

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  14. #14
    Senior Member Array Bob O's Avatar
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    Central, VA

    Great stories!

    To be a good LEO I believe one has to have a very even temperament, and know exactly how each situation needs to be dealt with.

    I was watching "Cops" this evening and thinking, "It's good I'm not a cop because I'd probably lose my cool on every call, and there would be a lot of hurting citizenry in my wake".

    I really appreciate the job you guys do - I couldn't do it!

    Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other"
    ~John Adams

  15. #15
    Member Array mjmoore's Avatar
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    Mar 2009
    Last name wasn't Moore was it ?
    We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

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