Add a Joke

This is a discussion on Add a Joke within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I have seen this on another forum (one of my biker forums) and made it on another forum (a local motorcycle forum) and figured it ...

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Thread: Add a Joke

  1. #1
    Senior Member Array Spade115's Avatar
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    Add a Joke

    I have seen this on another forum (one of my biker forums) and made it on another forum (a local motorcycle forum) and figured it would be good here as well. I will start

    __________________________________________________ _

    Moral of the Story

    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

    Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

    "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

    "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

    "Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
    When life gives you lemons, Open a lemonaid buisness.

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  3. #2
    Distinguished Member Array C9H13NO3's Avatar
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    Heard this one on sigforum, and thought it was great.

    ---------------
    Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

    The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

    A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

    'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

    'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

    'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

    'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

    'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

    'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

    'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

    'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

    The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

    'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

    'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

    ' NO WAY.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
    -Ryan

    All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

  4. #3
    Member Array ZRT600's Avatar
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    A baby seal walks into a club....
    Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

  5. #4
    Senior Member Array Spade115's Avatar
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    I like the genie one, heard it befor, wouldnt mind owning a house on a golf course. lol

    I have a few more but they are "Biker' oriented as well.
    When life gives you lemons, Open a lemonaid buisness.

  6. #5
    Senior Member Array Spade115's Avatar
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    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
    When life gives you lemons, Open a lemonaid buisness.

  7. #6
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    I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
    A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands - love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper - his hands remember the rifle.

  8. #7
    Senior Member Array Spade115's Avatar
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    A hip young man goes out and buys a 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. It is the best convertible sports car, costing about $250,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped, wearing an open face crash helmet (looking about 70 years old) pulls up next to him.
    The old man looks over the sleek, shiny red surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 2001 Ferrari 360 Spider. They cost about a quarter of a million dollars!"

    "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do over 200 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.

    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

    Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 220 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

    He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

    Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

    "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! The moped plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says,

    "You gotta tell me how you got that thing to be faster than my Ferrari !" The old man looks up and replies, "OK..., but first, unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror, will ya?"
    When life gives you lemons, Open a lemonaid buisness.

  9. #8
    Senior Member Array Spade115's Avatar
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    Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

    After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.

    When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

    "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.

    "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

    When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

    So here I am.
    When life gives you lemons, Open a lemonaid buisness.

  10. #9
    Senior Member Array Spade115's Avatar
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    Below is an actual job application that this 75 year old senior citizen submitted to WalMart in California. They hired him because he was funny...


    Name: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old *******)

    Sex: Not lately but I'm looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

    Position: Company President or Vice President, but seriously whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky I wouldn't be applying here.

    Desired Salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

    Education: Yes.

    Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility.

    Previous Salary: A lot less than I'm worth.

    Most Notable Achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    Reason for Leaving: It sucked.

    Hours Available to Work: Any.

    Preferred Hours: 1:30-3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    Do You Have Any Special Skills? Yes but they are better suited to a more intimate environment.

    May We Contact Your Current Employer? If I had one would I be here?

    Do You Have Any Physical Conditions That Would Prohibit You From Lifting Up To 50 lbs?
    Of What?

    Do You Have a Car? I think the more appropriate question here would be, Do you have a car that runs?

    Have You Received Any Special Rewards or Recognition? I may already be a winner in the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

    Do You Smoke? On the job- no. On breaks- yes.

    What Would You Like To Be Doing In 5 Years? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blond supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I would like to be doing that now!

    Nearest Relative: 7 miles.

    Do You Certify That The Above Is True And Complete To The Best Of Your Knowledge? Oh yes, absolutely.
    When life gives you lemons, Open a lemonaid buisness.

  11. #10
    Senior Member Array Spade115's Avatar
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    Two goldfish were sitting in their tank.
    One turns to the other and says "You man the guns. I'll drive."

    __________________________________________________ _________

    Why men make better friends
    Friendship between women:
    A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning, she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

    Friendship between men:
    A man didn't come home one night. The next morning, he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.
    When life gives you lemons, Open a lemonaid buisness.

  12. #11
    Member Array Davensquirt's Avatar
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    A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. is being interviewed.

    The Sergeant doing the interview says,

    "Your qualifications look good, but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted."

    Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to the man,

    "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists,
    six 'Progressive Liberal' democrats and a rabbit.."

    "Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

    "That's the attitude we're looking for," said the Sergeant, "when can you start?"
    Dave
    I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

  13. #12
    Member Array wkientz1's Avatar
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    Hello............

    How the world works lately...

    If a man cuts his finger off while
    Slicing salami at work,
    He blames the restaurant..

    If you smoke three packs a day
    For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
    Your family blames the
    Tobacco company.

    If your neighbor crashes
    Into a tree while driving home drunk,
    He blames the bartender.

    If your grandchildren are
    Brats without manners,
    You blame television.

    If your friend is shot by a
    Deranged madman,
    You blame the gun manufacturer..

    And if a crazed person breaks
    Into the cockpit and
    Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
    And the passengers
    Kill him instead,
    The mother of the crazed deceased
    Blames the airline.

    I must have lived too long to
    Understand the world
    As it is anymore.

    So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked
    in front of this computer, I want all of you to
    Blame Bill Gates.

    Have a nice day...
    Bill and Izzie: Proud parents of a soldier.
    I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

  14. #13
    Member Array Davensquirt's Avatar
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    An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening
    with a beautiful young gal at his side.

    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new
    girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000
    ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another
    ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said..

    The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
    The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by
    check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
    and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring
    up Monday afternoon,' he said.

    Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

    'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

    Not all seniors are senile!
    Dave
    I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.

  15. #14
    Member Array mjmoore's Avatar
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    A travelling salesman from a large city was driving down a country road when he sees a farmer pulling a calf .
    He slams on the brakes , jumps out of the car , runs into the field and helps the farmer finish pulling the calf .
    The farmer says thanks stranger, can I pay you for your help ?

    The salesman says no thanks , I just want to know how fast that little
    cow was going when it hit that big one .
    We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

  16. #15
    Mic
    Mic is offline
    Senior Member Array Mic's Avatar
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    Got this from my daughters 6th grade class.......
    How do you cook toilet paper?
    You brown it on one side and throw it in the pot....
    Timid people sleep peacefully at night because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.


    Molôn Labé!

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