In the light of the recent attempt to bring down a commercial aircraft
by terrorists the English have raised their security level from
"Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been
"A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the ********" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French
who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes,
on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled".. So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.