need some help with the wife....

This is a discussion on need some help with the wife.... within the Open Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; She's scared of guns and berates you for carrying because she doesn't want to say that she's scared of them because she doesn't want to ...

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Thread: need some help with the wife....

  1. #46
    Member Array HiFreq47's Avatar
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    She's scared of guns and berates you for carrying because she doesn't want to say that she's scared of them because she doesn't want to get into an argument where you tell her how safe they are. They are dangerous to her and that's that.

    First, make her not scared of guns. Pick up a .22 and take her to the range. Although she'll probably do this on her own because women tend to be more accurate than men, let her "win" a few marksmanship contests against you.

    Get her to enjoy shooting and she won't be afraid of them anymore. Memorize the 4 rules of firearms safety and drill them into her. Show her how safe you are with your weapons, this will put her at ease. She will come around after that. It may not be instantaneous, but she will come around. Once she's no longer scared - try to compromise with her on when you can carry, "Okay, how about I only carry if we're going to be out for longer than an hour?" or, "I won't carry if we're just hopping out to a local store."

    Once you give a little, she'll appreciate it. Once she gets comfortable with you carrying, she won't mind if you do it all the time - she'll most likely come to depend on it.

    Think about this from her point of view for a few minutes. She has no idea how to operate a handgun and has never fired one. Because of this, like most women, she is scared of them. She has no idea what your training is, she probably thinks you're carrying just to be "tough" which scares her even more. Her fear comes out as anger - but trust me, it's fear.

    Start taking her to the range.
    Billy
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  3. #47
    Senior Member Array CCWFlaRuger's Avatar
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    My wife feels more secure when I am armed.

    Clearly, explanations are not going to resolve this with your SO, so IMHO, you have 2 choices...

    1) Trade in the wife.
    2) Get a smaller gun and conceal it.

    But whatever you choose, just keep telling her that you refuse to compromise your own, or her safety just because she is small minded and in a trance, assuming that nothing bad will happen to her... that she is somehow exempt from the occurrences that litter the pages of this forum, and every newspaper across the country.
    "You will not rise to the occasion and you will not default to your level of training. You WILL ONLY default to the level of training you have mastered."
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  4. #48
    Senior Member Array JJVP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by irelande View Post
    So I'm getting tired of my wife giving me crap everytime i carry when we go anywhere. well this morning we had to goto walmart when she got home from work because she needed this and that. so when i got dressed I tossed my gun on my belt and we left. I have to OC since i have a dan wesson 357 and dont want to be sticking that bad boy in the pants. I live in PA so its all cool for that. So we did our shopping were out about and hour or so and she apparently didnt notice it while out or didnt see me slide it on my belt right in front of her. so when we get home i step over the the gate and she finally notices and go "you took your gun!?!?!"..and then throws her keys at me, which happen to strike me square in the nuts. yay for that...we have had talks about his and she still sees these things as oh we are JUST going here or there...i have no clue how to handle this anymore and im getting really tired of the fights that this is causing....any one got any ideas...that aren't wearing a cup anytime i carry????
    Show her this article and video. This is a nice upperclass neighborhood, not some slum. It can happen anywhere at any time.

    Surveillance Video Of Walmart Parking Lot Robbery Released - Houston News Story - KPRC Houston

    Video here:

    Watch Walmart Robbery Surveillance Video - Video - KPRC Houston

  5. #49
    Member Array EPIC SCUMBAG's Avatar
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    um,,,, I'd say if i can't carry my gun then you can't use the credit card to go shopping.....hmmmm....maybe that might result in instant death for you.

  6. #50
    Member Array sandman1212's Avatar
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    look up 911 calls on you tube and see how long it takes for LEO's to show up or videos that show attacks in parking lots. have her listen/watch them. It may open her eyes to what she assumes will never happen.
    KAHR CW45, RIA 1911 Officer, S&W Sigma 9MM, Savage 1907 .32cal(BUG)

  7. #51
    VIP Member Array Eagleks's Avatar
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    personally, I think it sounds more like a 'control' issue rahter than "only" a gun one. You are NOT doing what she has suggested, and is showing her anger you aren't "obeying" very well. Sounds like she's decided to start throwing some "fits" because you aren't and to let you know you better get back in-line.

    None of those are acceptable. That's not the way to resolve an issue.

    I resolved some "issues" with mine, when I came to the conclusion that it was all a 1 way street... I was supposed to work on things, and compromise, while she just demanded. I divorced her ... after 27 yrs. .. enough was enough and I had waited 10 yrs too long, which I sure wish I could get back.

    Some times divorce is cheaper in the long run. I'm better off financially now that I ever would have been if I had stayed married to her.

    Good luck. My advise, send her packing. Life's too short for that crap.
    I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers ---
    Chief Justice John Roberts : "I don't see how you can read Heller and not take away from it the notion that the Second Amendment...was extremely important to the framers in their view of what liberty meant."

  8. #52
    Member Array High Cap's Avatar
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    next time she gets into and say, ok YOU take the responsibility of protecting us from who ever may decide that you are an easy target and want to do what ever they can with you... and hand her the holstered weapon. then proceed to stay home and say at least i'll be home safe, while you face the blind security of "living in a good neighborhood"... criminals are opportunist's (which we know) so while she has her phone to her ear, key's and groceries in hand, tell her to look around the parking lot for any set of eyes just merely looking in her general direction... those could be the last set of eyes she see's when she's taken to a place to who knows what will happen... the ol' fear of god technique might actually work.
    Builder of AR-15's, 1911's, DuraCoat application specialist, and general gunsmith...PM or Email me for details.

  9. #53
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    I'm going to go out on a limb and ask..........

    Have you ever asked her why she doesn't want you to carry?

    And if you have, have you ever listened (I mean TRULY listened) to her answer?

    The reason I ask:

    When my husband first started carrying he was a dweeb (sorry, Dear.. love you.. kiss kiss.. smooch smooch.. anyway)...

    Whenever he put on a gun it was like he he strapped a board to his body. He went from a soft, loving, affectionate man to a guy who wouldn't look at me when we talked and refused to hold my hand.

    He got so tense and distractable with his situational awareness that he was zero fun to be out with armed.

    I didn't mind the gun at all. I just hated the man he became when he wore the gun.

    I'm not saying that your particular problem but for me I knew that the only way to have any fun with him at all was to get him to leave his gun at home. So I would nag him to leave his gun at home. I would say things like, "Do you really have to take that with us?" or "We are just going to the store."

    I knew all of the statistics. I knew all of the crime and watched all the videos. But why go out at all if you are going to spend that time miserable. I was willing to risk a mugging just to have a good time with my husband. The risk was WELL worth it to me and if my husband did nothing but parade stories of mugging in my face to make me see why he had to carry a gun I think I would have thrown my keys at him too.

    Again, I didn't care about the gun. I cared about him and our relationship. I didn't care about crime. I cared about being able to touch the man I loved while he was armed without him telling me he needed his hands free "just in case" or to have him look at me while he talked instead of "scanning for threats."

    It wasn't about being safe, it was about being with the man I thought I married.

    The tension was high with us. He wanted to know why I didn't want him to carry and I finally found the words to say it was because of him.

    Thankfully he adjusted his attitude and started to relax and then I didn't give a rats butt about his carrying. Heck, we carry together now.

    I say all of that to warn you not to close your eyes to all possibilities here.

    What if she just feels awkward about an openly carried gun. Some people simply do not like the attention that an openly carried gun attracts, whether it's real or perceived. Perhaps she's afraid a friend or coworker will see you and she will have to explain your firearm in an uncomfortable setting later on. The social pressure from an antigun boss, coworker, professor, etc, seeing her out with a man with a gun could be more than she's willing to handle right now. She may feel very exposed or frightened by the fact that your gun is so open and if the gun were concealed she may feel much more relaxed.

    I know you are working on your concealed carry license out of respect for her feelings you may compromise to the point where you offer not to carry unless it's concealed.

    Perhaps she's only afraid of what might happen if you are in an altercation and need to use your gun. Perhaps she doesn't know what to do or what her role is and the way to not think about all of that is to ask you not to carry at all.

    Talk to her (if you haven't already) about what you would like her to do if you ever need to draw your firearm. Ask her what she would be comfortable doing.

    I made a video called "Armed Conflict While Out With an Unarmed Spouse"

    It's not the begin all and end all but it's a start on how to talk to your spouse about what to do in the event of an altercation while armed when she is not.

    Perhaps she's just afraid of the gun.

    Is she familiar with the safety measures, etc?

    Perhaps she feels your "need" (whether real or perceived) for the gun is a substitute for your need for her. Perhaps she is threatened by the attention you give your gun. You aren't willing to leave the house without you gun. You want it (if not NEED) it on you 24/7 and as silly as it sounds, a girl can feel threatened or jealous because of that attention. Perhaps she feels some of that attention should be put into her or her desires.

    Take the emphasis off the gun for a little while and try to indulge yourself in her. The way to make a girl feel less threatened by the attention you give your gun is not to talk more about the gun and why you need it. The way to show her she has nothing to fear is to take the emphasis OFF the gun and put it on her. Arrange a quiet night for the two of you. Take her out to dinner (without the gun) and pamper her. If you are absolutely unwilling to go out unarmed than make her a dinner at home. Buy her something she would like or do something special for her. Put the emphasis on her and show her she has nothing to be jealous of.

    Perhaps she's worried you are looking for a fight. This is especially a worry of women whose men suddenly get into carrying and go all gung ho. It's all so new and so fast and it's easy for someone to think that the new enthusiasm for firearms means you are itching to use one on another human being. You know it's not true but she may not.

    Talk to her about the responsibilities you have chosen and your desire to protect, not take, life. Emphasis your gentle and meek side to reassure her you are not looking for a fight.

    Perhaps she's just mad that you aren't sharing this part of your life with her. You are doing this in spite of her, not with her. She feels like her opinion doesn't matter when it should. You are, after all, a union. Instead of feeling like you are listening and respecting her she is finding you going behind her back (whether you intended to or not) and she could feel threatened by that.

    Ask her what you could do to include her in this part of your life and show her it's not about doing it whether she likes it or not but about protecting her and loving her.

    I'm only speculating on these things .. I don't know you or her.. the bottom line is TALK TO HER!!! and listen to her.

    Sit down with her and ask her why she doesn't like your carrying and don't get defense with her. When she starts to talk, shut up and listen and think LONG and hard about what you can do to make her comfortable.

    If you have to just say, "Honey, I'm not sure what to tell you now. I'll think about these things and get back to you."

    You say you love your wife and I'm glad for that. Respect her and her feelings and try to work with her. It may get her on your side faster than you think.

  10. #54
    Member Array Wastelander's Avatar
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    Well, I've been working on my fiancee for 3.5 years now, and do you know what finally did her in? It wasn't the statistics, or the close calls we've had. No. It was the movie Killers that just came out a while back.

    She knows the statistics, and I've gotten her watching spotcrime.com to see what crops up in our area.

    We've recently had some gang tags graffiti'd on things.

    We've had a few instances where if someone wished us harm they could have done it, and we were lucky that they didn't wish us harm.

    In the movie, Katherine Heigl's character is strong, but afraid of guns, and when Ashton Kutcher's character has his assassin-job-past come back after him she is forced to use them. The trick is that because she has been afraid of them she doesn't know how to use them. At one point she drops the mag out of a gun completely and was saved from death by pure luck. Apparently my fiancee connected with Katherine Heigl's character in the movie and as we were walking to the car she said "You know, I kinda want to learn to shoot now"

    And that's the story of how I ordered my CZ-82 that should arrive Monday :P

    In any case, good luck, work on compromise, and maybe take her out for a movie ;)

  11. #55
    Distinguished Member Array Guardian's Avatar
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    All I can say is coming to a forum to look for advice on Marriage and carrying is not the way to go my friend. You might need to seek a professional counselor and work this out, though I will say "Limatunes" gave the most constructive/non-bias advice that I read.

    I was similar to her husband and we worked it out and I learned to chill out, some of it was that ole retired military in me also.
    "I dislike death, however, there are some things I dislike more than death. Therefore, there are times when I will not avoid danger" Mencius"

  12. #56
    Member Array sentioch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by irelande View Post
    we have had talks about his and she still sees these things as oh we are JUST going here or there...i have no clue how to handle this anymore and im getting really tired of the fights that this is causing....any one got any ideas...that aren't wearing a cup anytime i carry????
    Why does it bother her that you carry your gun? You haven't said, but I would venture to guess that she simply doesn't like being seen with someone carrying around a gun. A lot of people are judgmental of people who carry guns and she probably doesn't like the idea of being judged because you chose to OC. If that is the case then there's a simple solution, get a compact gun that you can CC.
    "In a world of compromise, some don't." -HK

  13. #57
    Distinguished Member Array pinklady's Avatar
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    This seems to be the case with alot of women. I carry and I have no problem when my husband carries. I feel safer when he carries. She must not be very comfortable with guns. Maybe if you took her with you to the range and try to get her interested in guns you will have less of a problem. I wish you all the luck. Things like this can kill a marriage.

  14. #58
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    Humans are a strange breed in many respects * In particular why so many of us think "it" will never happen to us or in my neighborhood,etc,etc * Who's out there where you and the wife are today, sniper, armed robber, a gangbanger bunch cruise'n the Mall-Wort parking lot * Dude see if you can find some videos to dwnld from youtube & elsewhere on the net and digup articles on shootings where innocent by-standers took some lead * Even go to a fair size PD in your area and see if they would spend 5mins with the two of you discussing the real world and selfdefense * She needs an reality check that changes her attitude to not only being comfortable with the fact you want to protect her, but to actually feel empowered and enjoy feeling her man wants to keep her safe.lol

  15. #59
    Member Array Nosler Guy's Avatar
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    During the dating period I made it very clear to my now wife that firearms are a very large part of me and made absolutely sure she didn't have a problem with that. Maybe I got lucky but she really enjoys shooting and is an advocate of concealed carry. Because I am a gunsmith by trade it's kind of hard not to be involved in firearms.

    I can see both sides of the coin on this one. Limatunes illustrates some great points to be aware of and discuss with her. On the other side if she throws her keys at you in retaliation of anything there is a more serious issue at hand. My wife would never throw anything at me unless we were playing around (ie. pillow or towel). She may lack respect for you but it could also be in response to something you are doing that you aren't aware of. Only you can determine what is the cause. Good luck.
    Conservative, Gun-Toting, Backwoods, College Educated, Hetrosexual, Male
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  16. #60
    Member Array irelande's Avatar
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    Well I figured out the actual problem wasn't the fact that i was carrying it was that shes not comfortable with me open carrying, she feels like everyone is watching us, so shes givin me the ok to start looking for a good priced cc..

    also she is by no means scared of guns, infact she has fired probably a larger array of guns then i have, and is probably as good of a shot as i am just FYI, and MOD feel free to close this one down, got all the info i needed

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