Extreme Defender You've come to the right place for advice. There are a lot of knowledgeable folks here who can help. I'm not saying that I'm one of them, but I'll offer my two cents.
OK, here we go...
First, it sounds like your wife is suffering from what is obviously an irrational fear of your gun as a self defense tool! Irrational fears are based both on emotion and a lack of knowledge and understanding.
You are going to have to sit down and have a very frank and candid discussion with her in order to sway her to your obviously correct choice of having a gun to protect you and your family.
How you approach her and how you discuss this is going to make or break it for you. You must be armed with not only facts, but compassion, understanding and the willingness to listen to her side of the equation. She has to be willing to do the same.
The moment you become aggressive towards the issue; or attack her intelligence or make her feel cornered, you've lost the battle... case closed, end of discussion, you lose, thank you for playing!
So, what do we do?
First, you may want to invest quickly in the book already suggested by Massad Ayoob; The Truth About Self Protection! It is a little dated, but the material is spot on and transcends time. There are about 26 chapters or so. Each one is geared to debunk the common myths regarding personal protection. It covers just about everything in the personal protection realm. A majority of it isn't even related to firearms. It debunks the myths of using inferior alternative methods of self defense "tricks" which are often espoused as "The safe way to protect yourself," often found in articles in "women's magazines." Instead, the book offers effective alternatives to the "myths" and explains why one thing works and others do not.
One of the best chapters in the book, is called The Face of The Enemy! It is a real eye opener!
In that chapter, Ayoob very vividly and candidly introduces you to several real life violent offenders who at the time the book was written, doing hard time in prison for their crimes.
He explains the personality, motives, their decision making process and how they target their victims. You get a real sense that when they are out on the street, they are true psychopathic, sociopaths; who have absolutely no compassion towards their victim and are quite merciless and brutal when they attack. Above all they are real! Don't doubt me, they are out there and they are everywhere.
As a paramedic, for the past 30 years I have dealt with victims of violent crime whose numbers are literally in the hundreds. I have been to the scene of well over 100 homicides and have seen the gruesome results up close and personal, since in those cases I had to bag the body and transport them to the morgue.
Bloody, often mutilated and sexually violated, you stand there for a few minutes stunned, trying to take it all in; not believing what you see before you. The odor of blood mixed with sweat and semen on the body, and often the look on the victims face, is something one must experience to be able to appreciate. It makes you wonder just how much horror the victim suffered in their last moments on earth. It will change your life. It will scar you. It never leaves you. It makes you realize what a dangerous world we really walk through every day... Only by the grace of God, some of us are lucky enough not to ever be touched by it. But that is not a given! It can happen to you or your family. If violence does visit you, It will happen without warning. You will never know beforehand that "today is the day" it will happen when you leave the house to go to the store, or go out to eat, or go to that doctors appointment.
Those who are aware of this and prepare for the day, are more aware, better equipped and better able to defend against it, if it ever happens to you. But, make no mistake about it, it is brutal, it is ugly, it happens in the blink of an eye. And most often, your only chance of surviving is by having a gun. Because the gun is the single most effective tool which is capable of immediately stopping an enraged human predator who is often high on narcotics or intoxicated. They will be attempting to overwhelm you and beat you down before you have an opportunity to fight back. The gun is the instant equalizer, and if you want a philosophical analogy, you can read my signature line. There is truth in what it says!
Anyways, I digress... you may want to read Ayoob's book together, or read it first so you can be armed with information to share with her when discussing the subject. Or you can have her read it on her own.
Bottom line, she needs to participate in this discussion. You can not just sit there and lecture her. She is the one who has an irrational fear of carrying a gun to defend your family. You are going to have to make sure she is a willing participant in the learning process or she's just going to put her feet down like a mule and refuse to budge.
Another thing, I would recommend is that you start to referring to the gun as Emergency Life Saving Equipment! In essence, that is exactly what it is. It is merely a tool. One which is called upon in the most dire of circumstances to save your life! No different than a life preserver, a fire extinguisher or an emergency defibrillator. You really should get her to looking at the gun as a tool and as a piece of Life Saving Equipment. She obviously has placed a negative connotation to the object we call a gun, and we need to encourage her to see that tool from a different perspective.
There are lots of publications, facts and statistics out there you can use as tools to help change her perspective. My lord, all you have to do is read the paper or watch the local evening news to see examples of violent crime. You have to remind her that you both, live in the exact same world as all those other victims do.
Finally, there is going to come a point as to what are you going to do, one way or another. You are going to have to ask her if she has faith and trust in your judgment and ability to fulfill your moral obligation as a husband to defend his family from harm. If she can not answer in the affirmative, you are going to have to ask her what she expects out of a marriage, and you will have to act accordingly based on how she responds. Whether you put your foot down or allow her irrational fears destroy your marriage is something only you can decide.
I wish you luck, my friend. If I or anyone here can help further, don't hesitate to ask more questions.
I hope you find something in this post to be beneficial. :bier: