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So last night just about dark my wife comes to me and says she saw a little white or light tan snake by the Tex Fan Ash tree, and that she almost stepped on it. We went out by the tree and looked, no sign of said snake and we forgot about it. A few minutes ago she comes into my office and shoves her foot into my face - "Look! I think that snake may have bitten me last night." There were two tiny puncture marks on her big toe, about a quarter of an inch apart. There was no redness or swelling. I asked if she felt ok to which she replied in the affirmative. I got up and started out the door, and she asked me where I was going. I told her I was going to find the snake - maybe we could still save it - and that's how the fight started. ;)
 

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And that’s how the fight started.....
 

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That reminds me of a Ron White joke. He was saying what a horribly bad cook his wife was. They were having dinner one night and she gave the dog some table scraps. Shortly afterwards, the dog started licking his butt.

His wife said, "Why is he doing that?"

Ron said, "He's probably trying to get the bad taste out of his mouth."

And that's how the fight started....
 

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My ex wife once complained that I always took the cat's side against her when the cat did something she didn't like. I asked "So what's your point?". There was no fight but you see how things ended up.
 

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My wife thinks all of these jokes are funny...
So does mine, but I think I'm sleeping in the other room tonight . . . with the door locked.

Woman tells her husband she'd like bigger breasts. Her husband says to rub them with toilet paper. How does that work, she asks. I don't know, said the husband, but look what it did for your butt.

And that is how the fight started.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Good stuff, everyone, I'm enjoying this immensely. But, just for the record, the incident with the snake that started this really happened - it is a true story. When I get out of these casts I'll post some pictures. (OK, the cast part is just a joke)
 

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Was taking a drive in the country one day. We had been having a bit of an argument. After being quiet for a few minutes we drove past a pasture with a few jackasses grazing. Wife said "Relatives of yours?" I contemplated for a few seconds and said "Yep. In laws." Then the fight really started.
 

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Here's one for the ladies:
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for my benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked to see my driver license to verify my age, that's when I noticed I had left it home.
I apologized and told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman told me to unbutton my shirt which I did to reveal my curly silver hair.
She said that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me and proceeded to process my application.
When I got home I excitedly told my wife what had happened.
She said you should have dropped your trousers, you might have gotten disability too.
And that's when the fight started.
 

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A married couple fly to Hawaii for their 50th wedding anniversary. One morning while naked and eating breakfast in bed, the wife says, "Oh honey, this is so romantic!!! I just feel tingly all over!!!"

Her husband replied," Well, that might be because your right breast is in your coffee, and your left breast is in your oatmeal."

And that's how the fight started......
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Another true story - I'm treading on dangerous ground here. So, my beautiful wife and I are returning home from lunch at the local CrackerBarrel this afternoon. As we go past this house, she spots a 50's era runabout type boat in the driveway and remarks that she has never seen one like that. I concur, adding that it is from the 50's and is in remarkable condition for it's age. She then asks me, if I had not told her that boats get heavier as they age. I affirmed that this was generally true, and added that this was why boats are always called "she" - and that's how the fight started. Again. Some more. :rolleyes:
 

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Wife was looking at herself in the bathroom mirror and told me she wanted plastic surgery.
Why? "Because my boobs are too small."
Realizing how much this would cost, I told her, "Before you so something drastic like that, try rubbing a few sheets of toilet paper between your breasts a few times a day."
"How is that going to help?", she replied.
I said, "I don't know, but it worked for your backside didn't it?"
I may get out of the hospital tomorrow.
 

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When I woke up in the hospital, the doctor asked me "What's the last thing you remember?" I had to think about it, then remembered. All I said was "No, honey. Your a$$ makes the jeans look too big."
 
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