Top Ten Reasons Why You Know You Have Been In Police Work To Long
You are arresting the sons of the sons of your former arrestees.
You think the Captain and commander are bed wetting liberals.
You can identify who's a Greyhound Bus passenger by his tooth and tattoo count.
You know that "two beers" with be at least a 0.20 BAC.
You believe that a permit should be required to be a parent (and you should be giving out the permits).
You believe that caffeine is a food group.
You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dick.
You believe that suicide isn't always the wrong choice.
You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime.
You have co-workers that pay more in child support and alimony every month than you make in a year.
The Top Ten Reasons You Should Be Worried About Your Pension
The fund is tied up in investments in Enron stock.
The head of the fund is a huge fan of poker and is always in Las Vegas.
The city is facing a budget shortfall bigger than the GNP of Uruguay.
The city council has generously offered to replace the pension plan with free lottery tickets.
The city hired the chief’s brother in law to manage the pension system.
They're heavily invested in a theme restaurant based on the life of Mamma Cass.
Some guy named Don King is the auditor.
Your prescription drug benefit covers only Advil and Band-Aids.
The world could end tomorrow and you'd never get what's coming to you.
The whole $322 million fund is kept in cash in a basement in Beijing.
Top Ten Signs You May Need A Vacation
You believe that you may be Clint Eastwoods son (very dirty Harry).
You are starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers you arrested.
You want to transfer to Homicide because you think you may be psychic.
You talk to dead people.
You want to be called "Mr. Majestic", and insist that you were a pimp in your prior life.
You think that the police dispatchers are all talking to your ex-wife.
You are starting to hate the taste of coffee and donuts.
You talk to the arrestees about how they can improve their appreciation of Shakespeare.
You think it is time to tell the Captain that he is a girly man.
You want less talk and more music on the police channel.
Top Ten Signs The Chief Doesn't Like You
He always refers to you as the "Backside," I mean "Backbone'" of the department.
You were issued a bean bag instead of the standard 9mm.
Your locker is located outdoors.
You keep getting 'join the FBI" brochures in the mail.
The chief keeps trying to set you up with his "woman friend," who is a photographer.
You are always assigned to be the first one through the door on search warrants.
The chief saved money in the budget by not buying you a ballistic vest.
He tells people that you are a temp.
Your patrol car is a Yuggo.
Your rating report starts out with "A waste of a human being".
Top Ten Reasons You Know That You Need A New Partner
He is wearing a tee shirt that says, "Jesus loves you but the rest of us think you are an as#% &%".
He is putting tin foil on top of his head so the Sergeant can't read his thoughts.
He wants you to hold him for just a minute.
Wearing Brut cologne.
Says that Michael Jackson seems like a stand-up guy.
Likes Hillary's legs.
Loves the jail food.
Thinks a "flash bang" is the nickname of the new record clerk.
Believes the chief always has your best interests at heart.
Calls the dispatcher "Sweet Cheeks" on the radio.
Top Ten Reasons You Have Not Been Promoted
Starting every conversation with “You won’t believe this S***”.
Dumped the Chief’s daughter for a stripper.
You just earned your Junior High school diploma.
You really enjoy writing tickets to members of the city council.
“Tasers are for fun”.
Some photos of you with nothing on but your uniform shirt.
Continually spitting tobacco while forgetting that the patrol car window is up.
Asking your Sergeant for hugs.
Eating your lunch in the bathroom.
Top Ten Reasons Why Your Chief Should Be Fired
Wants to be called by his new title, “Most Holy One”.
Spends more time out of town than Geraldo Rivera.
Wears his thong outside his uniform pants.
Slaps the prisoners around every afternoon.
Calls everyone on the department, “little buddy”.
Thinks it is a good idea to call in the FBI.
Has three adjutants (you only have a five man department).
Still thinks Patty Hearst is “wanted”.
Doesn’t believe in flossing
Believes roll calls should always start with a group hug.
Top Ten Reasons You Are Not Getting A Raise This Year
Settlement of Mayor’s law suit regarding that unfortunate incident with a small animal.
City is getting investment advice from Paris Hilton.
City council purchase of matching thongs.
Chief redecorated his office in a jungle theme.
Silly civil suit regarding explorer program and your fired ex-partner.
Chief’s new city Hummer.
City controller had problem with his math skills this past year.
Mayor gave the city’s safe combination to Al Sharpton.
Over use of paperclips.
Surprise! They don’t like the police.
Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear Your Partner Say
Drag Queens are not that ugly.
Can you hold me for just a minute?
I think wearing deodorant is only for girls.
Can I try shooting you with a Taser?
Boy, those beans we had at dinner sure work fast.
What’s wrong with a guy wearing a thong?
That Roseanne Barr is hot.
I never miss Oprah.
Why can’t we all just get along?
Do you really think OJ did it?
Top Ten Reasons You May Want to Transfer
Your Sergeant confesses that he thinks about you naked.
Your partner says you remind him of his ex.
You are now arresting the daughters of the crack whores you arrested when you were a rookie.
Lost your taste for half-priced food.
The “hot” record clerk now weighs three hundred pounds.
Don’t feel like “Tasering” the same old suspects again.
Know every restroom in the division and have favorites.
Rookies just out of the academy call you “pops” (and you are still in your thirties).
You are beginning to think that working a staff job might not be so bad.
You are thinking of wearing a teddy under your uniform instead of your vest.
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