Sarcastic humor: Infringed.....then abridged.

The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Bad grammar and terrible spelling are everywhere these days. Some writing has become mean and slanderous. We need to put a stop to these instruments of poor prose. After all, the people are good it is just those evil instruments of the written word that must be stamped out!

What is needed is a waiting period on the sale of all writing instruments until the proper training in the use of language can be proven. There have been instances of people writing in the heat of anger causing grief to countless innocent people. This is evident in any newspaper's letters to the editor or on the internet. If we restrict the people's right to own instruments of writing, the world would be a kinder place.

Instruments of bad grammar are available to minors almost anywhere. Any person with evil intent can walk into an office supply store and purchase pencils by the gross. How many pencils can one person use? Perhaps we need a limit of one per month!

John is not a bad person. He wouldn't normally use a pencil to spread vile lies and mistruths about anyone. One day he went to his corner drug store and saw a reloadable mechanical pencil. He purchased the device and several packages of extra lead, just in case the government would outlaw ammunition as a way to make the world a safer place.

John was estatic. He no longer needed to be close to a pencil sharpener. A simple click of the thumb and he could reload. He could take his pencil anywhere, even carry it concealed in his pocket.

Some writing instruments are designed to cause permanent damage. Even their names are sinister. Power Mark Plus, Mean Streak, and Magnum 44 are not designed for casual use. They are designed to inflict maximum pain on the intended victim. They are obviously aimed at the macho male user. With names like these the manufacturers, ought to be aware that they might be involved in a lawsuit involving slander or vicious attacks by the users of their products.

There has always been a need for faster means of getting the word out. Semi-automatic writing instruments have been around for the past century. They did nothing for poor grammar and bad spelling, but they made writing more ledgable. Now even the sloppiest of penmanship could be disguised. The manufacturers of these devices saw that women would like to get into the act too. They began producing models with feminine appeal.

Today we have fully automatic writing instruments that not only can produce the author's bad grammar and poor spelling, we can cut and paste and slice and dice other people's bad writing with the click of a mouse. Some of these devices even come with safeties to prevent misfires. Why they have spelling checkers and grammar checking capabilities, but, most folks forget and send off their hateful messages without even thinking about safety.

There is help from the National Pencil Association (NPA). They have a program to teach kids how to handle writing instruments and to avoid their misuse. They have a mascot named 'Penny Pencil' who will come to class with the kids and teach the dangers of the written word.

This has been a fun page, but it also has serious overtones. Some day your government may take offense at some things you write and distribute. Just about anything you write or even think now is offensive to someone. Perhaps your writings and thoughts could be construed as hateful. Some nice government employees might find it necessary to have a look at your hard drive for any evidence of hateful writings. What are you going to do? You will no longer to be able to defend yourself. You will go on and cry about how your First Amendment rights are being violated. You will rant about free speech, but it will fall on deaf ears.

Remember all those articles and opinions you spouted against anyone's right to own a gun and how as a civilized society we no longer needed them. Oh yeah, the police should be the only ones allowed to carry a gun. They will protect you.

Well, one thing that I have learned is that in order for a government to control it's people there must be an enemy. The is no British enemy, no Hitler, no longer an Iron Curtain. The last great enemy was drugs. It was even called the War on Drugs. Because of the evil drug empire fear set in throughout the country side. We were told that the only ones who could save us were the government authorities, but they needed more power to crush the enemy. Everytime we gave them more power we surrendered a little of our freedom. Search, seizure and confiscate as long as it was in the name of the "War on Drugs', society looked the other way. Oh those vicious guns. If only we can gather them all up, everthing would be fine.

Well, there is no more enemy so the government will just have to create some. This too is done incrementally . What used to be perfectly legal yesterday will be a crime tomorrow. Instant criminals! Enemies of the state! They will come for your fully automatic word processor first, then your pens and pencils in the name of protecting the children, after all isn't lead poisonous?

Publication Date: March 30, 2000
© 2000, 2002 Tom Buchanan