mrshonts I think I can relate to your situation rather well. My job and my love of guns don't go together either, and I find it hard to reconcile the two sometimes.
I feel like a traitor to my students for not carrying while working because it's against the law, and I feel like a traitor to education because one of my professional ethics is being lawful even if I don't agree with it. I've turned it over many many times in my head.
I have however come to one definite conclusion. I should be the one to make that choice, not some politician or administrator. I'm the one with knowledge of my profession, knowledge of firearms, and knowledge of my situation. No one is better qualified than me to decide who in my workplace should be armed or not. The fact I have analyzed it so many times shows that any decision I made would be a carefully thought out and responsible one.
For the record I don't carry, never have carried, and don't plan to attempt to carry at work unless the law changes and it never will.
But I do recognize the need to be discrete, and that if the law wants us to be safe, we should be assigned armed guards at all times that we cannot be armed ourselves. That of course is not reality. As far as I am concerned someone who carries without a permit is in reality only excercising a primal right as a human being to be safe.
The shame is that we must weigh the threat of the law against the threat of predators. In my case I believe the threat of the law is greater. For someone else it may be different.
That said, here is something else I have learned.
The guns I like to shoot for the joy of shooting, namely K frame sized double action revolvers, are not the type of guns most conducive to concealed carry. This is why I wished we lived in a society where people don't have an irrational fear of tools, but I digress.
Now for some people, they find the kind of gun they like most is concealable. These people are very fortunate. They have overcome a hurdle.
That being said, the point I am trying to make is that I have decided that learning how to shoot and learning how to carry concealed are two related but different skills.
I'll say that again. Concealment is a skill. It has to be learned just like you learn how to ride a bicycle.
The people who are very good at concealment don't realize this. I know because guess what, I'm not good at concealing things.
Not knowing you, you may be a natural born concealer. Some people stuff full size double stack autos into their pants no problem and they cannot fathom why I balk at the thought of it. Or you may be like me. My concealment skills are developing. I have chosen a carry gun based on its manual of arms and form factor. I literally picked a gun I knew something about and bought it and have been training myself to use it.
I hope to improve my concealment skills as I improve my shooting skills so that eventually I can carry a better tool.
Now as for what kind of hardware to pursue, I think you have a wonderful mindset for wanting to get an effective gun right off the bat. A lot of adults think their first gun should be a .22 caliber revolver for training purposes. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with a .22 caliber revolver, but if you've already figured out you want an automatic and that you want a caliber more effective than .22, then you should get an effective gun right off the bat because it's going to be your only gun for a while.
But if you're completely new to guns and don't have any bad habits to unlearn, I would encourage you to look into any kind of gun that's just point and shoot. You have no biases to overcome and you can go straight to what's probably the most effective tool. You can learn how to use a gun with a safety and other controls later.
Now as for in general what's really small but packs a whallop... well for my money I went with a snubnose .38 +P rated revolver. It's really not something I think I can reccommend to someone that doesn't enjoy a challenge though. By no means is it an ineffective tool, it's just one that I personally am having to devote some serious work to in order to use it more effectively. The sight radius is very short, and under stress at my current level of skill I'm not 100% sure I could make a 15 yard shot with it in combat. It's not too hard to pick up though; I am getting pie plate sized groups at 7 yards with it already and I've only had 400 rounds of range time. I'm also not a very good shot compared to some people, so for me that means I'm learning how to use it best quickly.
The Kahr is a good choice. I myself want to get a Kahr one day. I think they're wonderful little guns.
There are all manner of very small automatics. The Springfield XD series makes a very small subcompact model you might want to consider.
I'll probably be flayed alive for this, but the Taurus PT-145 is actually a fairly small gun and it fires .45 ACP. It sounds like you can do better though.
Perhaps one of the Glock lovers could tell you about a compact Glock .45 or .40.
This is kind of difficult to address really. What is or is not an effective handgun is the subject of much debate, and your personal preferences play into it heavily.
This is going to sound utterly silly, but do you own a BB gun or an airsoft gun? Try carrying it concealed around your house. When you come home from work just put it on. This may help give you some kind of idea what size gun you can tolerate at present.
Start going to sporting goods stores and gun stores and pawn shops and just start asking to handle things. If you don't know all the controls for a particular gun that's okay. Just hold it; aim it somewhere safe and see how it feels.
Also consider your future purchases. One of the reasons I picked the carry gun I did was that I knew it was going to be a great "always" gun. I knew I wanted to carry 2 guns eventually, and I figured I already know what my "backup"/"always" gun was going to be, so why not buy it first?
Ask lots of questions and ignore the people that make fun of you and don't say anything meaningful. Firearms are very personal. In the end you have to decide how you feel about certain things yourself, and don't be surprised if you turn a complete 180 on some issues. I know I have already; as I learn more I am doing things and accomplishing more than I ever thought possible.
Ask about specific guns.
Ask about specific features.
We love to talk about this stuff.
And don't be afraid to answer questions either. I have learned I know far more about firearms than I ever thought I did. I actually have learned a lot even if I don't always express it very well. I've also had to come to the realization firearms can be a part of my life without actually being my life. You sound like you have learned that already.
The problem I think you're going to have here at first is that everyone is going to try to push their own answer on you, and the thing is, no one can objectively say one is better than the other. I do like to ask others what they are doing and what they use because it makes me reconsider if what I am doing is really so great. But some things you're just going to have to decide for yourself.
As far as I'm concerned the S&W 642 was the best possible choice for a first carry gun but that's for me in my current life situation. If any variable were to change, I could just as easily prefer something completely different.
