Good post. I do this often, but not always. Depends on how I feeling at the time. Your post reminds me that being proactive is more successful than being reactive. Thanks.

 

I have always done this from a young age, not because of the threat, but because I am a friendly guy and a flirt and this worked to talk to women.:image035:

 

Good worthwhile post and a topic that we have not discussed too much on Defensive carry.
A great thread for your third forum post.

 

Works for me.
Welcome to the forum...

 

Politely look 'em in the eye...

Great advice...it works!

Good post...:hand10:

Stay armed...stay safe!

 

Eye-balling? Don't bother me one bit. Look all you want to, but please don't touch.

 

Ditto.

 

Good post, I do much of the same thing though I've never really thought about it. If they are nearby I might start a conversation, if noisy or farther away a slight smile and head nod will do it. I haven't had that many staring experiences, but after initiating conversations, I've suspected that some of them weren't actually staring at me. They were in deep thought, or just in "another world" while standing in line, but no doubt, it looked like they were staring at me.

Speaking of faces, we've been out in public and later my wife might say something to me like, "I saw you walking to the car and you were pretty mad-looking, what happened?" I'm usually surprised at this and answer her truthfully, "I wasn't angry at anything at all, I was just walking".

I guess it's whatever "game face" you have on at the time. Keep in mind that some stares you get may not actually be intimidating stares. Regardless though, +++1 for anyone that notices their surroundings and know how to handle it. :hand10:

 

I just give them the Crazy Eyes... :Eyecrazy:

 

I think the "eyeballing" thing depends on where you live. In the south, it's common for people who make eye contact to grin or exchange pleasantries. Up north, strangers avoid eye contact, and generally will look the other way if it happens. It really is a cultural thing.

 

Being from the country we always smile and wave at complete strangers as they drive or walk by. When I walk through a downtown area like Dallas or Houston people avoid eye contact like the plague. I really hate going to the big city.

When you get that guy that is maybe across the street and keeps his eyes on you all the time, and if you give him the eye back he might do the head nod or the hands flip out and might say "watchu lookin at?". It's more frequent when he has piercings and a tattoo.

How does one respond to this?

Keep walking?
Cross over to where he is and ask him where is a good place to eat? (Frequently I am looking for good local places to eat)

??

 

What do we do when someone is in line at some store and is just looking at us for no particular reason? We can't assume that everyone who looks at us is being aggressive, can we, or should we? Haven't we all seen people who look like someone we know and we say to our wives, hey, see that guy over there in the red baseball cap, doesn't that look like Jim?
And she says yeah sorta and meanwhile the guy is getting ready to possibly draw on us because we looked at him?
This is the kind of stuff that gangbangers do, when someone looks at them they kill them. I thought it was just them that did this stuff.
When we go into a place we are just looking around, not one of us stares at the floor the whole time we are in a supermarket or restaurant or store, do we? So every look is a challenge?
For those who do look at us in a challenging way, isn't it up to us to just ignore them and if they take it up a notch, then we can always do that too? But I disagree that most folks who look at us are sizing us up as a potential victim.

 

There's a fine line between cautious skepticism and paranoia.

 

I was essentially saying that for every time a savage looks at us with malicious intent, there are probably seventy five times a guy or woman is looking at us because it is better than staring at the floor or walls.
But there is always that ten percent, as our Parris Island DIs told us

I never knew exactly how right the DIs were, either, til I got much older, and now I think it might be up to 20 percent

 

Oh how true! Depending on your neck of the woods, I think it's as high as 50% (The west end of my town and many Tampa residents come to mind). :-D

I think to some extent many people are indeed people watchers. We are fascinated by just looking at other people. I know I am. I'm not one that will stare at someone but I do enjoy just observing my surroundings, people and terrain. I just find it interesting to notice details about people in their physical appearance, their mannerisms, demeanor, etc. To the OP, I can't say that I make contact with many people, but I do "size people up" so to speak. I don't feel as though I'm doing it in the survival or fight/flight sense, but rather just evaluating the situation. I will try to be more of a talker from now on.

 

When people eye-ball me I make it a point to lock eye's and let them know I see them and aknowledge their presence. If my perception is the guy is a punk, drunk, junkie, whatever...no smiles, no turn away, just stare for 3 or 4 seconds and move on with my day keeping an peripheal on them...
Never act like Prey!

 

Do we think that most looks are intentional efforts to size us up as prey, then? Or are most looks just looking around instead of out the window? Or is it about evenly divided?

 

Yep -- Situation Management comes right after Situation Awaremess ... at any threat level.

 

Good post. I agree.

And certain looks mean certain things as well.

It's no surprise to anyone when they hear that a vast majority of our language is non-verbal. So there are different types of "eye-balling" and they should well be considered.

1. There is the blank "thinking" stare that often innocently gets mistaken for aggression or interest.

This has happened both to me and to several friends. You are standing in a crowd of people waiting for something (possibly to check out, or for a show to start). You start thinking about something and your eyes lock on an individual without your knowledge while your mind plays somewhere else.

Suddenly that person's confused and annoyed face registers with you and you realize you've been staring at a complete stranger for at least two minutes. You are embarrassed because you were not intending to intrude so you look away.

Most of the time, when this happens, the person who was doing the staring, once they "come to" they realize their mistake and avoid eye contact afterward and it's easy to see they are embarrassed about intruding.

2. There is the interested, "I'm checking you out" stare that every boy and girl masters by AT LEAST high school. Also known as flirting.

For some reason, grocery stores attract the weirdest individuals and I have had more attempts at getting "picked up" in grocery stores than any other place on this planet.

It starts with the stare, then the getting closer, then, if the individual is bold enough, they will try to start a conversation by either asking if you need help or complimenting something.

This is all fine and dandy, but if you don't want to get "picked up" (i.e. you are happily married and proudly displaying a diamond on a special hand) the last thing you want to do is encourage such behavior. You usually do this by trying to ignore the person doing the staring. Acknowledging the person and smiling or staring back would only give them the impression that you are, indeed, interested. So, the theory of returning the stare can actually prove to make it worse.

My fix to this is usually to finish shopping as soon as possible and leave.

3. The "aggressive" stare. For women, this can actually be similar to the "I'm checking you out" stare because, on occasion, attraction or physical interest can precipitate aggression.

One certainly doesn't want to "lead on" the starer by making them feel they are interested, but neither does one want to make the starer think he (or she) is afraid of said starer.

This is where you get caught between a rock and a hard place. Acknowledging the stare and returning it can, of course, stop the eye-balling, but it could also be seen as a sign of interest and encouragement leading the starer to pursue.

What then?

P.S.
I'm thinking more from a woman's point of view here (obviously) but it's something to consider. How a woman responds to someone "eye-balling" her can and often SHOULD BE different than how a man responds, especially given the type of "eye-balling" going on. It would be interesting to see what others think of the difference as well.

 

2....
This is all fine and dandy, but if you don't want to get "picked up" (i.e. you are happily married and proudly displaying a diamond on a special hand) the last thing you want to do is encourage such behavior. You usually do this by trying to ignore the person doing the staring. Acknowledging the person and smiling or staring back would only give them the impression that you are, indeed, interested. So, the theory of returning the stare can actually prove to make it worse.

My fix to this is usually to finish shopping as soon as possible and leave.

3. The "aggressive" stare. For women, this can actually be similar to the "I'm checking you out" stare because, on occasion, attraction or physical interest can precipitate aggression.

One certainly doesn't want to "lead on" the starer by making them feel they are interested, but neither does one want to make the starer think he (or she) is afraid of said starer.

This is where you get caught between a rock and a hard place. Acknowledging the stare and returning it can, of course, stop the eye-balling, but it could also be seen as a sign of interest and encouragement leading the starer to pursue.

What then?

P.S.
I'm thinking more from a woman's point of view here (obviously) but it's something to consider. How a woman responds to someone "eye-balling" her can and often SHOULD BE different than how a man responds, especially given the type of "eye-balling" going on. It would be interesting to see what others think of the difference as well.

If you have to look at the person, look at them or return the gaze as if you were looking at a target, not a person.

You aren't looking at a person...you are just looking something you will either ignore, avoid or step on like a cockroach with just as much feeling.

It sounds kinda odd, but take the soul out of your eyes when you look at someone and you will be supprised how un-welcoming you appear.

 

Just because I drop the "looking back atcha" doesnt mean that I am not watching you or unaware of you..

 

It is very interesting that what might be a passing look from someone can trigger these responses. Got to be more careful in the future

 

Very true.

 

I think of all the threads I have ever read, this one is the most surprising to me personally, because I certainly know there are evil people out there, and many would harm me if they could, and many more could harm me were it not for Mr Ruger.
But I am genuinely surprised to see so many people think that a look is enough in itself to trigger a defensive mental posture. This is something I did not know, did not know it was so common, I mean, this seeing a look as that potentially threatening. And to be so QUICK to see it, is my main point.


And my job requires me not to be naive, so I am not, in case there are those who think that upon reading my post here
But people "people watch" and you hear that expression, and when you walk into a bar or restaurant or mall or wherever, you naturally look at others and it is harmless in 95% of the cases. Better than to walk into a store and look down at the floor continuously. So we do not avert our eyes completely as some would have us believe here.
We do, in fact, look at other people, no matter what we say here. And sometimes they remind us of someone we know, and we might say to our wives, hey, that looks like ol' Jim, doesn't it? and she will peer a little bit more and say yeah kinda, and ol' Jim is gettin ready to draw now???

So, naivety is out of the question for me. I don't see the threat in someone looking, unless it is really off the wall and obviously challenging. But a lot on this forum see it where I think it doesn't exist. Are they quick to see it? Do they want to see it?

BikerRN said something that has stuck with me and I cannot remember his exact words but it was to the effect that a lot of people would draw and shoot way before they had to, if they thought they could do it legally, trying to do something to bad guys, or something like that. BikerRN knows what he wrote but it was very insightful of him.
So of all the threads I have ever read, this notion of seeing evil in a mere look, puzzles me more than anything else. Granted that a look of a certain kind will trigger that right away, but we are not talking about that kind of a look here, I don't think we are. I think we are talking about when someone looks at us and does not immediately look away like we want him to?

I don't think it was ever stated so that we were talking about openly challenging looks. Just looks in general is what most folks were talking about here. I want to be real clear that openly challenging looks are a whole different ballgame. But most people were talking about even a slightly longer than usual stare or look.

 

I do the nice guy thing(mostly because I AM a nice guy)I acknowledge w/ a head bob and a "hey" and maybe a smile.
Funny thing....I was on a roll for a while where wherever we went(my wife and I)these characters that looked like they JUST got out of prison,would look at me,I'd say "hey" and they would act like we were cell mates"hey bro"that type of thing.One guy actually said"there he is..."like a long lost buddy.....what do you think that means..Idon't look like a con(I don't think)or a cop..just a fat white guy.
I told my Father this and he said it was because I looked like a "blues musician"???

 

I do personally respond to every look, whether it is aggressive or not(I'm not talking about a passing glance). But I don't think that just because somebody looks at me that they intend to do me harm. I mentioned that 99 percent of the people do not intend to do me harm.

In my opinion where you live dose make a difference. When I was in New York, you could stand right in front of people and look them in the eye and they wouldn't even notice you. However the door men sure noticed a 6'2" long haired, bearded guy(I work undercover). But again, my eye contact and smile came in handy. In fact I have to use more charm and eye contact now that I look like a dirt bag to overcome peoples negative thoughts about me. So by making eye contact I am bettering every situation I am in and not making it worse.

I don't think that it is the same for women as it is for men. You are not sending the same message. You could very easily be sending the message that you are flirting. Just like when I look a women in the eye and start taking.

But I do believe that men instantly size each other up and figure out where they are on the pecking order. I don't see anything wrong with letting people know that you are "switched on." Isn't this just away of being in condition yellow?

 

I don't think that it is the same for women as it is for men. You are not sending the same message. You could very easily be sending the message that you are flirting. Just like when I look a women in the eye and start taking.

Then my question would be, "What is the SOP for women?"

I've often wondered this because I've often found myself uncomfortably stared at.

It's all well and good for a man to be able to size up another man and give a good nod or acknowledging smile in another person's direction to let them know, "Hey, I see you. I see you seeing me. Ball's in your court."

But for a woman, it's already been established that those rules don't apply. A glance and friendly smile might as well be saying, "Come over here and ask me for my phone number, or at least what I'm doing this Friday night."

So, does a woman "sheepishly" keep her gaze averted while slyly trying to keep her "eye" on the starer? Does she acknowledge the gaze and potentially open the floor gates and attempt to deflect the tidal wave to a "safe" direction?

But, I agree, that then looks like the woman is a wimp or scared (an opinion often placed on women already without the help of them looking away when being "eye-balled")

I'm also apprehensive about taking the approach that MitchelleCT suggested because that could, indeed, escalate the situation in the other direction. Suddenly the woman is approached and instead of asking her dinner plans she gets hit up with, "Hey, do you have a problem with me?"

And there is really no good answer to that question. Saying, "Yes," plus any explanation can further escalate the situation. Saying, "No," can invite the starer to start another conversation.

I'm not sure that's the wisest plan of action.

I think it could be best if women acknowledge the gaze with absolutely no emotion whatsoever. A direct look, straight into the eyes, a blank stare for a second and look away followed by no repeat glances (because everyone knows that multiple glances means interest no matter what emotion is on your face. Heck, you learn that in grade school).

Non-verbal communication can be a very tricky thing for a woman, because a lot can be said unintentionally. Even if a gal just wants to look nice for a night out with the girls an overzealous man (or boy) can think she dressed up because she wants to be picked up. Suddenly she's getting cat calls that are as flattering as they are frustrating.

Even a girl pursuing an interest that is not "usual" for a girl can get her in awkward situations. Being the only girl at a gun show, or at the local drag races, at the shooting range, in an auto body shop, at Gold's Gym... the requests for phone numbers gets tedious.

A girl has to be careful how she responds. Guys can be funny about rejection.

 

I am assuming that the "what are you staring at" remark is a situation between two guys? First of all, although I use this technique a lot, I have never gotten this response. I don't know why or if another guy would have the same results. But I do know that, for me, I would rather get this type of response then let some jerk intimidate me. I am very sarcastic, I would say some thing like, "The door." Or "Your jacket, where did you buy it at?" Again, smiling and making eye contact. Or you might say, "Nothing, I was just thinking to myself." It doesn't matter what you say, because your non verbal communication is still saying, I noticed you, I'm a nice guy, I'm not scared of you.

I am not a woman. Yet. :danceban: But here is a suggestion. What I would do is look around to let them know that you are paying attention, and make super brief eye contact as your vision passes him. Then he knows that, you noticed him and that you were not interested enough to stop and look. If he is trying to flirt then you communicated, not interested. If he is thinking about raping you, you communicated, I'm paying attention and I am not your type of customer. If he still insists on looking at you, then he is a ### and needs to be dealt with. One option is to let your husband have a "non verbal conversation" with him.

Here is another option:
I do a lot of interviews and interrogations. When a suspect tells me something that I don't like, or lies to me, I don't always call him a lier. A lot of times I just look at him differently. My eye's narrow(very slightly), I frown, and even make a slight no head movement from side to side. Keep in mind there all of these actions are very slight and brief, but the suspect picks up on it very quickly. He instantly know that, I don't believe you, and I don't like what you just said, did, or are doing. It is not even the conscious mind that is picking up on this. It is his subconscious. Every other time he has seen somebody make that face it signaled that he was doing something wrong, so when you do it, he will get the message, without you having to be to animated. If he thought you were flirting before, he knows now that you are not. Just an idea? The next time a guy hits on me I will try it out. :gah:

 

+1 JudoJake on your original and subsequent posts... I get the picture.

Also nothing is set in stone...

I'm definitely not giving off the vibe that I'm stepping in anyones face... only that I'm paying attention to what's going on around me and hey... I noticed him too.

No fires to put out, no turf wars, just paying attention to, and taking in the sights.

I'm also signaling at the same time, that if a situation does pop up that should demand my undivided attention, I'm not gonna be oblivious to it either.

If someone does get bent out of shape simply because I acknowledge, in a friendly way, that I noticed he was "eyeballing me", then I know I need to be a notch up on my awareness. The ball is still in his court, but now he knows he isn't gonna be dealing with me as a :sheep:

(btw... if someone does get bent out of shape just because I noticed them looking at them; then by definition, I was correct in scrutinizing them in the first place!)

Someone mentioned in an earlier post that "Situation Management goes along with Situational Awareness" or words to that effect. Very true on that! :hand10: